Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

I know some of you might be wondering, “John, you can get cheaper light bulbs from Target!”. I know, but I ate a bunch of junk today and the walk is good for me.

Just turned the corner, phew. The stretch from my apartment is scary! Orange county is a scary place!

That BMW has squeaky brakes . Awww, I’m sorry BMW . You’re not an old ford tempo it’s ok

Hey, that pizza place is under new management. That makes me sad. When I moved into my new place I bought tha pizza for our moving break. It was good, better than most pizza places around here. But the fuckers didn’t give me a coupon! See, when they give you pizza they give you a coupon for yout next purchase, but no coupon! Maybe they went out of business cause they didn’t give me a coupon!

Or maybe they went out of business because they were giving out coupons? Fuuuuck….my mind is blown…

In any case I only ate two slices that day! Even though I was hungry I only ate two because I was still in a weight loss regimine. I and my ex were so proud of me hahah good times…

Aw now I’m feeling all sentimental. This live blogging my walk to ralphs to get light bulbs is no longer serving it’s intended purpose! John, signing out!

Er, San Francisco dreamin.  I had a weird, drawn out dream last night.  The kind that has multiple chapters and just keeps going.  Like, you think the dream is going to end, but then you’re just standing there in your dream.  A moment passes and you turn to head off somewhere else, and the dream continues.  This was one of those dreams.  I’ll try and remember it the best way I can.

I was at a convention, a comic convention, in  San Francisco.  The layout was eerily similar to another dream I once had with a convention.  The convention floor was one side of my old High School gym.  There were little tables set up, and large disposable walls behind them.  Unnecessary as it wasn’t a big convention.  I kept running around in the dream, from different portions of the convention.  The whole time thinking I needed to shower.  Some people were with me, but I forget who they were, and they were hungry, but I needed to catch my flight.

I hopped a ride with some people but the layout of the land as we were driving was similar to the 10E on ramp over in Santa Monica near 3rd street, where you cross over the freeway going south, to get on it to go east.  And then I was alone.

I’m walking through a neighborhood with these mean, dark buildings in front of me.  It reminded me of New York slightly, but not exactly.  Kind of like Hell’s Kitchen.  I kept trying to find some Croatian food to show my comic con friends.  I finally get to a place, and it’s Croatian food inside, deli style.  I thought it was strange not because there was a Croatian food place, but because there was a lot of people in there!

Some ladies were taking forever to order and I was getting annoyed.  They didn’t have the type of cookies my Mom made, but they had a walnut roll TYPE cookie.  They gave me one and it tasted like a walnut roll, but had something else in it.  They said there was a hint of fish in it, but now the people were standing over me.  Next I ate some cherry filled sugar dough type cookie and it was good.  I asked for a bunch of those, but was worried because I couldn’t stop eating the whole time.  I was stuffed and sad that when I went home to weigh myself, i’d be HUGE.

And then I think I woke up?  I’m not sure if something else happened but I woke up and I walked into my kitchen to eat some dried apricots.  That’s not part of the dream.  At about 5am this morning I ate some dried apricots then went back to sleep.

They were delicious.

I guess if it gets past a certain hour, the dreariness of not doing anything on a weekend night goes away.  Or it could be that I walked about 2 miles total to go to ralphs.  Ralphs is less than 1/2 a mile from me, but I walked a long way to get there.  What did I get, you ask?  WHY I MOST CERTAINLY DO MIND YOU ASKING!

I got frosted flakes which were on sale for 2 bucks, the ralphs knock off of golden grams, to see if they’re any good.  They were 2.50.  I found the old people’s bread, petridge farms honey wheat flax!  That was like 3.50!  FUCK!  I then bought some chips for a bbq tomorrow.   That is all.  I didn’t buy any light bulbs, mostly because I didn’t check which type the light fixture takes.  And now it smells like bbq in here cause the hippies downstairs are bbqing.  Or they lit their porch on fire.  Either way, it smells delicious.

I don’t know.  It feels weird tonight.  I usually get a weird feeling when I stay in on a weekend.  Kind of a dreary, depressed sort of feeling.  I know I should be out, having a good time, but I have things to do, and no money to do other things with it.  But tonight…tonight feels different…

It feels like…the hour before it starts to rain.  You know the time.  Everything gets a little darker, a little colder, there’s little noise around, and you just know in about an hour you won’t be able to go outside and enjoy the sun, because the sun won’t be there.  It’s a depressing feeling, and I really don’t like it.  That’s the same feeling I’m getting now…or it could just be because one of the lights in my bathroom was out, so it’s dimmer in there, who knows.

I don’t think I could live somewhere where it rained a lot.  Though, I’m not sure.  I mean, seattle rains a lot, right?  If I lived there I think I could put up with it, because the rain is the norm.  But when you’re living in a beach area, and it rains, you start to get sad because your friend the sun had to go away for a little bit.  It’s disheartening.  When you’re used to the sunshine, the rain has a different meaning for you.

In anycase, I’m going to walk to ralphs and see if this whole thing clears up.  Staying in on a weekend blows, but you do what you gotta do, whether you like it or not.

AND BEANS!

Shaddap Patti Smith.

Tonight’s dinner consists of…fuck if I know.  What you’re looking at is basically hormel PRIVATE SELECT chili.  Private select means the workers didn’t shart all over the chili before they canned it.  Thank you, fine workers at the Hormel packaging plant, for not shit farting in my chili.  I’ll say a prayer for you tonight before bed, you earthly angels you.

I added roasted corn, black eyed peas, french green beans, monterey jack cheese, and parmessan cheese.  You might be asking why I added each of these things, so let me tell you.  Keep your goddamn pants on, I’m gonna tell ya!

Roasted white corn: Roasted white corn tastes awesome.  If you have to ask this, you probably also ask your mailman where rain comes from.

Black eyed peas: other than for the simple fact that I want to make dick love with every song that band puts out, I didn’t know what black eyed peas tasted like, so I picked up a bag at ralphs.  Conclusion?  It tastes like balls.  Fuck the black eyed peas.  The edible ones, not the super kewl singing group.

French green beans: french green beans are the better of the two brothers in the green beans family.  They’re cut so they’re easier to eat, and they become soggy easier.  I love soggy green beans.  They just taste better than radishes.  I know we haven’t been talking about radishes, but I’m just saying, they taste better than them.

Monterey Jack Cheese: everytime I hear monterey jack cheese, I imagine a fat mouse piloting some rickity blimp or some shit.

Parmessan cheese: This thickened the whole thing, that’s all.  Nothing special to see here, move along people.

I added water too, so the chili became more like a stew.  I also added tapatio, which I’m growing to like.  It’s spicey, has some flavor, but is still kinda watery.  In soups I think tapatio wins over cholula because the tapatio breaks down easier.  Also, it’s over a year old, I gotta finish the stuff off.

This was a boring, yet informative, post.

I think that’s why drug users get so pissed off when someone sells them fake weed, or, a bag of oregano.  They’re not mad that they’re out 50 bucks, no that’s fine.  Drug users usually have shit load of money.  They’re mad because some asshole gave them oregano!  Oregano sucks!  It’s so pungeont, for one.  And TWO, it’s not garlic!

Tonight, coupled with my loneliness and despair, I dined with some chicken literally inseminated with fucking oregano, and my onion/green bean bullshit mix.  One day I’ll teach you all how to make the onion/green bean bullshit mix, but until then, you must wait.  Like a gentle frog sitting on a log, patiently searching for a companion, you must wait…

We have what, Peanut Butter? Oh, how lovely. I haven’t seen you since what, Monday? Hello Peanut Butter!

“HELLO, JOHN!”

“HALLO PEANUT BUTTER!”

“Who’s your friend over there?”

“Oh, you mean…”

What the FUCK is this shit?

Ok, so I was hungry and I thought “I have 20 boxes of mac and cheese, let’s make some mac and cheese!!!”  NO!  NO DO NOT LISTEN NO! OK NO!

So I boil the noodles and I then throw in some black eyed peas, not the black people who sing pretty, but the bean…things.  See, noodles need to boil, peas need to boil, win/win!

But I was getting impatient.  I wanted them to boil together quick so I could go jog.  And then I realized I had to come back and cook the lil smokies afterwards!  Fuck that!  So I tossed the frozen lil smokies in the pot too!  I boiled noodles, black eyed peas, and lil smokies all in one.

And then the gel came.  I’m not sure what the fuck happened, but there no longer existed any sort of liquid in the pot.  It all just became a sort of…gel?  I didn’t take pictures for fear of scaring all the little children, but there was just gel in the stupid pot.  Even when I drained it, it was a goo?  Fuck it, nothing cheese couldn’t fix!

So how does goobers and mac and cheese…and black eyed peas and lil smokies look like?  FUCK YOU IT LOOKS LIKE!

Like shit.  It looks like a dollup of shit on some gelly yellow shit.  But who gives a fuck how it tastes like, most food looks like shit, does it TASTE like shit!?!?

Well, kinda.

The grape one just tasted like crappy mac and cheese with a little sweetness…but the strawberry one tastes like a pb&j sandwich?  On wheat?  I think I have tiny strokes when I eat goobers.  Sometimes it tastes like cigarettes, sometimes it tastes like jelly, other times mac and cheese with lil smokies and goobers tastes like a Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich on wheat…

The top left is the glazed looking Peanut Butter.  The penis thing on the right is the lil smokie.  All of it looks like the head to an alien.  Don’t worry ripley, I got this one though.

Once again, surprisingly, this wasn’t too bad.  I enjoyed it actually.  It’s always good to have sweet flavors in, well, most anything.  Wait, did I try goobers with salsa yet?  I did, didn’t I?  I’m having another case of the strokes, ain’t I?

ONTO THE JUDGING!!!

Goobers grape Peanut Butter gets…

A guy walking his octopus.

Goobers strawberry Peanut Butter gets…

Godzilla enjoying a coca cola.

With an overall score of…

Ok, it was supposed to be a burrito with gucamole on top and that sauce mexican places put over wet burritos, but it instead looks like a…crepe of some sort with butter on top on a oblong plate?  Fucking hell man.  I wish I meant to draw it like that.

Thank you.

If you make fun of some cultures, ethnicitys, races, faces, whatever, there sometimes will be a little backlash.  Even if you’re not serious, even if you’re using comedy as a tool with which to make a point, even if you just hate South Americans, someone has a problem with it.

But not the Germans.

You can pretty much say whatever the fuck you want about the Germans, and no one cares.  Not only do they not care, they ENCOURAGE it!  Just the other day, I mentioned to a homeless man that I thought Germans pay for their train tickets with poop, since all their porno, every last bit of it, was filled with poop.  He and the black dude next to him couldn’t stop laughing.  I mean, literally, they died because they laughed so hard.

So at their funeral, the black dude and homeless dude used to be roomates in ‘Nam so it was only fitting to have a dual funeral, I turned to this Australian guy and said I thought some Russian people wear too much clothing in the winter.  He went BALLISTIC!  “How dare you say such things about the Russians!  They are good people!” and on and on.

Ok, so not everything above really happened (the black guy didn’t die, but the homeless guy is good and gone).  But the point isn’t whether or not Australian people have sticks up their butts, it’s that no one stands up for the Germans, not even the Germans!  Was it the nazi’s?  Are Germans destined to an eternity of shit jokes because of nazism?  Did hitler royally fuck the country, even to this day?

Or do the Germans just not give a shit (no pun intended.  caca.)?  They hear us making fun of them as they get into their new Mercedes-Benz and park their butts on that fine soft leather.  They then drive off to their well paying jobs and nicely appointed homes.   Do they have it so well off that they realistically don’t give a doo doo that we sheizer them until the cows come home?  Or are we so jealous of what they have (gigantic beer steins) that we let them have it, to mask our own sadness?

Ponder this:

COMIC BOOK WEDNESDAYYYY!!!

YEYYYYY WE LOVE YOU DADDY!

AY!  Just cause I give you candy, don’t mean I know your Mom!  Now scram, before I call the cops!

So click on the preview image below to start the festivities!!!

FYI: When you click on a comic image, it will take you to the NEXT comic.  If you still do not understand this concept…it’s best that you do not operate a motor vehicle.

I hadn’t jogged for about 3 weeks.  I walked a lot, sure, but no jogging.  I then jogged on thursday and my legs were sore till today.  I did a quick one and a quarter mile jog earlier today and couldn’t go much further.  I mean I could, but I didn’t want to risk it.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here, is,

NACHO CHEESE DORITOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!