Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

Mothers Day is when you start yelling at your family members, screaming at the top of your lungs about how your life was ruined because you didn’t get to play little league baseball and…wait that’s Thanksgiving…

Mothers Day is when you get  in a fist fight with your Dad and your Mom clotheslines you as your Sister sneaks behind you and hits you with a folding chair and…wait, that’s the 4th of July…

Mothers Day is when you bring home a pregnant dude and tell your family that the experiment was a success!  That he will be the very first man to…wait, that’s the movie Junior…

Mothers Day is when a fat dude breaks into your house, eats your shit, leaves you presents, and escapes out into the night…wait…no yeah, that’s the one.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

So I’m at my parents house before heading out, just saying hello.  Well, been here for about 3 hours.  So I thought “I should shower here, before I subject the general populace to the quaint aroma of freshly cut onions, and cologne.

I’m in the shower, looking for the shampoo, and I see one bottle (of about 300.  Why there’s 300 bottles of shampoo for 2 people, I have no idea) of some organic stuff…

I pick it up and it says something about vanilla.  I pour some in my hand, smell it, and force myself not to start sucking on the bottle like it were Gaea’s nipple, giving me life.  THE SHIT SMELLED JUST LIKE FRESH VANILLA BEAN!

I kept thinking of dunking the crap in some milk and making a shampoo smoothie.  It was delicious.  And now my hair smells like vanilla ice cream and I’m in heaven.  I’m in vanilla hair heaven.  This sure beats out the gallon jug of shit I buy at Costco.  But let’s not discount gallon jug of shit shampoo.  Can this vanilla shampoo last 2 years?  I think not.  Can this vanilla shampoo be used as a weapon for self defence?  I doubt it.  Can this vanilla shampoo sell for 2 bucks per pint?  No.

So while I would love to cut my hair and free base the shit, I’ll stick with my gallon of shampoo, thank you very much.  It may not smell pretty, and it burns my eyes and ball sack, but it’s cheap and it talks to me when I accidentally injest it.  oooOOOoooo the walls are melting!!!

There’s starving children everywhere, just ask Bono.

There’s wars and conflict all around the world, just ask Bill Clinton.

There’s suffering in regions we don’t even know about, just ask Sally Struthers.

So who the FUCK asked this guy-

To be in the finals on celebrity Jeopardy!?!?

Ok, I know the questions are kind of easy, but seriously…SERIOUSLY?!  CHEECH MAKES IT TO THE FINALS!?  Who the fuck did he beat out!?  I’m not saying he’s a dumbass, but some of the questions he got right, which were pretty easy, he seemed shocked at.  Are there no celebrities out there with enough intelligence to completely destroy celebrity Jeopardy?!

No there are not.

Do you pop out of parties?  Are you unpoopular?

PEANUT BUTTAH!!!

Today’s Peanut Butter post will describe me opening up this bullshit and trying a little bit.  I didn’t put it on anything.  Infact, I almost put it in the trash.  What, you don’t believe me that this is an opening ceremony?

TOLD YA SO!  Here’s me opening this junk.  I really hate this shit too.  You know I tried Laura Scudder’s old fashioned Peanut Butter years ago?  I mean like, 3 years ago or something, for the first time?  I opened up the shit, tried to swish the oil around, got it everywhere, and gave up?  This stuff is bullshit man.  I hate doing this crap.

Bullshit man.  You can’t really see it well, but the oil mocked me.  It literally said “Fuck you dude, you think you can move us, esse?” and I’m all like “holy shit my Peanut Butter is Mexican!”

The cool thing about the laura scudder’s chunky Peanut Butter was with the oil in there, it looked like a rocky beach with clear water.  I wanted to dive into the jar and swim to China!

Bleh, this is after 5 minutes too!  Listen, I’m a pretty strong guy, and I was having a hell of a time stirring this shit.  The oil kept sploshing out, nothing would mix, this is bullshit.  Why do you freaking make Peanut Butter like this?  Why don’t they mix this crap, and sell it in the refrigerator section?  That way you can buy the crap and if you like it cold, you just put it in your fridge and you never mix it.  If you like it warm, you put it in your cupboard!  It won’t separate too fast, so you can enjoy it for a week or two without having to mix it!  PROBLEM SOLVED JERKS!

Man that was a lot of work for so little Peanut Butter.  I bet you there’s a collection of hippies living in this world who make it their solemn duty to propagate the notion that all natural Peanut Butter is the way to go, and the more oil the better.  But you KNOW those dipshits are sitting in their underground layer eating room temperature JIFF without having to stir that mother fucker!  FUCK YOU HIPPIES!  FUCK YOU AND YOUR PEANUT BUTTER!!!

As I was saying, the smooth version tasted REAL good!!!  Like fresh roasted peanuts!  I can see this becoming a staple in my Peanut Butter repertoire?  Does that even work?  Anywho it tasted real good.  Though, very runny.  That’s the problem with this all natural smooth stuff, it’s not too firm, so it’s hard to pick up with a knife.  Or, chop sticks, but why the fuck are you picking up Peanut Butter with chopsticks?  OMG YOU’RE A HIPPIE!  GET OUT OF MY WEBSITE HIPPIE!

The “nutty” version, aka CHUNKY YOU HIPPIE FUCKS tasted like crushed plain nuts.  So it wasn’t too good.  I mean, it was good, but was just very weird.  I’ll have to keep sampling the chunky kind.  I’ll also have to keep undoing my pants if I want to pee like a gentleman.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Laura Scudder’s smooth Peanut Butter gets…

A baby with a broom.

Laura Scudder’s nutty Peanut Butter gets…

A bowl of salsa.

With an overall score of…

A lobster.

Thank you.

These lyrics blow.  Or are they beautiful?  I’m not entirely too sure.  I’ll find myself hating the very existence of this new song by Usher and Will.I.Am, and the next moment, I’ll be rocking out in my Hyundai, like a crazy man.  A crazy man who has a theory about time travel, but NO ONE WILL FUCKING LISTEN!

Anywho, it’s my social duty…social duty…don’t say it…it’s my….social…stay strong….stay strong…social duty…almost there don’t give in now TO PLEASE THAT BOOTY!

YEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

YEY POOH YEYYYYY!!!!

In anycase, it’s my social duty to translate the new Usher song for all the people out there who don’t understand simple words repeated over and over again.  My translation is in bold, like the morning Sun, so let’s get started shall we?

Usher : Oh My Gosh Lyrics

oh my gosh
oh my GOD
baby let me l-
baby let me linolium
i did it again, so i’ma let the beat rock
I caca’d my pants, so lets listen to some music.
oh myy…
That’s a lot of caca.

[chorus]:
the crap that makes up 79% of this song
baby let me love you downnn
I want to rub my genitals on you, and you know what?  Sometimes around you.
there’s so many ways to love ya
Such as buying you a mercedes, or showing you my penis.
baby i can break you downnn
i’m talking about a house now, that i want to renovate.
there’s so many ways to love ya
I think i touched upon this earlier.
got me like, ooh myy gosh i’m soo in love
I decided that 5th grade was where i said no, I said NO to proper English!
i found you finally, you make me wanna say
Hide and go seek time!!!
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
I made 1,000 dollars on each oh, right there.
oh-my-gosh
fucking DAMNIT!

..

you make me wanna say,
The court’s ordered me to say,

..

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
That’s a weird court order?

[verse 1]:
i fell in love with shawty when i seen her on the dance floor
Shawty was lying in her own puke by the DJ, it was soooo cute!
she was dancing sexy, pop, pop, popping, dropping, dropping low
She was having seizures.  Instead of calling for help, everyone cheered her on.
never ever has a lady hit me on the first sight
As her arms flailed I tried to control the convulsions, but a errant hand struck me on the face.
this was something special, this was just like dynamite
I’ve seen seizures, but really, someone should call an ambulance.
honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow
You wouldn’t believe how much crap comes out of that ass.  It’s not all sunshine down there, fellas.
honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow
Lactation, thy name is boobies.
girl you know i’m loving your, loving your style
And that 3 ton ass you’re sporting.
check, check, check, check, check, checking you out like,
I developed a stutter at a young age.  All the other children mocked me.
ooh (oooh) she got it allll
She’s got a job, and a car note.  She seems legit.
sexy from her head to the toe
Poor shawty lost 9 toes in a freak pop, pop, popping, dropping, dropping low incident.
and i want it all, it all, it all,
I want all of that one toe.

[chorus]:
baby let me love you downnn
We’re at the chorus again, rejoice!  Hosanna in the highest REJOICE!
there’s so many ways to love ya
All of which, illegal.
baby i can break you downnn
I brought my tool chest.
there’s so many ways to love ya
I’ve been convicted of 17 love felonies in the state of Utah.
got me like, ooh myy gosh i’m soo in love
If it weren’t for these damn convictions, we’d be married in Utah.
i found you finallyy, you make me wanna say
CHRYSANTHEMUM!
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter, derek jeter,
oh-my-gosh,
HALLELUIAH!
..

you make me wanna say (2x)
The line above, 2 times.
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
one toe, one toe, one toe, one toe, one toe, one toe, one toe, one toe, one toe,

[verse 2]:
feel so hot for honey out of all the girls up in the club
I have my pick of any dude in here, and 4 girls.
this one got me whipped, just after one look, yep i fell in love
I’m so tired
this one something special, this one just like dynamite
I slept like 4 hours last night, but I thought I should post something.
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, out of sight
I’m trying to motivate myself to write more but oh fuck I’m out of character
fell in love with honey like my, oh my
My semen has the taste and consistency of honey.
honey looking wonderful; fly, so fly
My semen looks healthy, quite healthy.
honey like a supermodel; my, oh my
Sometimes my semen walks the red carpet, debuting a new style from Channel.
baby how you do that, make a grown man cry?
I watched an AT&T commercial once when I was young, and I cried

ooh (oooh) baby, you got it alll
Here comes the toe part…
sexy from her head to the toe
And there’s the toe.
& i want it all, it all, it all,
It’s a gigantic toe, let’s not kid ourselves.

[chorus]:
so, honey let me love you downnn
Again with my semen.
there’s so many ways to love ya
I thought we sang this part about 4 times already?
baby i can break it downnn
I think Usher is really a girl.
there’s so many ways to love ya
No dude can be that pretty.  Really, he’s a very pretty man.
got me like, oh my gosh i’m soo in love
He’s got smoother skin than most fat southern chicks.
i found you finallyy,
And that’s saying a lot.  I bet Usher likes the big chicks.  Good for them.  Good for them, they can have Usher love.
you make me wanna say..
This song is catchy, but useless.  Like semen.

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Seriously he got paid to sing this shit.
oh, oh, oh, oh my gosh
I’m about to pass out.
oh my gosh, oh my, oh my, oh o- oh my gosh,
Night night.  Dream John will take over now.  Tootles!

[will.i.am]:
Blueberry pancakes.
oh myy
I’m in a room, and my high school gym teacher is making spaghetti.
gosh
Now I see a sega genesis.
i did it again
I pick up the controller, and the room suddenly turns blue and nachos.
so i’ma let the beat rock
I didn’t know nachos was a color, or blue was a food?

[usher]:
Strawberry shortcake.
oh, oh, oh myy
Now I’m flying on the back of a giant dog.
oh, oh, oh my, my, my, my, my, my
It’s that dog from the neverending story, and he’s giving me a paper to read.
ooh my gosh
It says that there’s a sale at penny’s, and the sports section says the LA dodgers just drove a subaru.

oh, oh, oh my, oh, oh, oh, my, my, my, my, my, oh my gosh
I’m in an abandoned warehouse, filled to the ceiling with donuts and converse shoes.
oh, oh, oh, my, oh, oh, oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, oh-my-gosh.
The converse shoes eat the donuts, and now I, ah damn I woke up.  And there’s semen EVERYWHERE!

Oh, hallo everyone, how are you?  I’m good, thank you for asking!  How was your day?  Mine was ok.  I got to talk to people, and do work, and eat a sandwich, what more can you ask for?  A laser that’s also a dinosaur?  Ok, you got me there pal!  PUT IT THERE!  *shakes hands with laser dinosaur*  As I was saying, it’s another comic book day, so click the image below to get transported to the first of 7 comics for this week!

Don’t be scared, it won’t bite.  Remember kids, click a comic to go to the next one.  Rub a comic for a smile, and 10 dollars will make the comic hollar!

Why have I never thought of this before? Why did I make 6 different posts for 6 different images? Oh yeah, it was to mimick the commercial breaks or something. Well, since I’m not doing that anymore because well, it PISSED ME OFF, I decided to just write write write. And after I was done writing, I’d just post them all into one big post. Sounds fair, right? WRONG ASSHOLE! No wait, you were right, I’m sorry.

So what happened in this episode? I don’t freaking know. A BUNCH of shit. And it all happened so quickly! This is what’s wrong with a lot of writing, and television. So many characters get killed off so quickly, that the impact is lessened. I know they needed to use some characters to progress the storyline, but the character development and resolution shouldn’t suffer for storyline sake. We’re not supposed to be watching this show to see what happens, but rather, to see these people. If you treat the characters like tools you can toss aside, you bring down the quality of the WHOLE show. But it’s 6 seasons long. They never thought Ben would last past 3 episodes and there he is, so what do I know.

In anycase, I can’t believe Hurley swam so long, but he did, and now Kate is all better, YEY!

READ BELOW DAMNIT!!!

NEW PEANUT BUTTER!!!

So already we’ve had a pretty wild year, haven’t we?  We had some plain bullshit, then some organic bullshit, then some chocolate bullshit, and just recently some goober bullshit.  I think after all this time I’ve gotten a decent taste for Peanut Butter.  I mean, the first two months were purely Peanut Butter, and the next two months were NOT purely Peanut Butter, so I was able to get inundated with Peanut Butter, then cleanse my palate.   Kinda like when you’re bloated with crap, and then you take a huge dump, you now know what it feels like to be full and empty, so you can appreciate being empty…or full…next time.

But I digress, and actually I’m just burping beer taste right now what the fuck.  In anycase, what do we have this month?

Awww, look May has flowers and stuff!  That’s so pretty!  But we’re not here for pretty, we’re here for BUSINESS!!!  We’re here to see what’s up next in this year long journey through Peanut Butter!  And let me just say, a lot of guys say they like Peanut Butter, I call BULLSHIT.  When was the last time you saw a dude eat 12 months worth of Peanut Butter before?  I STILL haven’t gotten sick of Peanut Butter!!!  If I weren’t farting beer right now, I’d eat some Peanut Butter this VERY SECOND!  That’s love man, that’s LOVE!  THAT’S-

PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oooo…we’re getting to the good shit now…this is serious Peanut Butter.  I accept the challenge…game on…

Or so I think. Or so I’m told to think, I think? People often tell others to take life by the horns! Whatever that means. I suppose they mean we should take hold of life, and move it in the direction we want it in.

The thing is, no one does that. No one, not anyone I really know. We’re all somewhat moving along a path we’re slowly building. To deviate from that path is to deviate from life, which is scary. It’s scary to think of that, actually! That means that any sort of dreams we have are inherently impossible, since if that dream is not on our life pathway, then to aspire to it would mean to end our lives. Weird. Well, if the original part holds true.

We’re all told by others that life is beautiful, life is grand, there’s so many possibilities in life! But have you seen those possibilities? Do you know others who have? Even people who jump out of planes live normal, boring lives. They are examples, plain as day, of people who have “taken life by the horns” and yet…they’re bored. They pay their bills, they drive a car, they move about life, constantly wanting more. They’re what we all aspire to be, and yet, THEY want more. Strange…these people who’ve fashioned their life in extreme ways are bored at life.

Does that make sense? You would think that someone who really, REALLY, lives life, is someone who can see each and every moment in front of them and value it as equally as the next. The way a stranger walks, the way a tree grew, the couch they bought, the friends they have, all of this is equally as magical if you put yourself in the right mindset. Yet someone who skydives, someone who swims in the deepest ocean, someone who walks on the moon, still gets bored with life. How can someone who lives life to the “fullest” EVER get bored? These aren’t the people we should look to when trying to understand the beauty of life. We should all look at ourselves, and the happiness we derive between the moments. We should be looking within for the beauty of life, and yet we always look out for others to teach us these simple lessons.

I guess we’re all just sort of confused and fearful of life. Which…is sort of sad. I’m the same way too, though. I’m writing this and talking to myself, don’t forget that. We often long for things we don’t have, or lives we desire. I know I do. I’m a healthy (I think? My jaws been hurting ) 30 year old male. I’ve got a great job, I have friends, I have family, I think I’m mentally all there. What’s to complain about? There are people in this world who, not only are trying to find food and water with which to survive another couple days, but are also being actively sought out and killed.

Imagine that for a moment. Just pause, I know we all read that quickly, right? But I want you to let that sink in. Not only are these people already going to die in a couple of days from thirst…THIRST, the same stuff that we wash plates with that they can’t even drink, but there are individuals who want to make them dead BEFORE that. They’re trying to avoid starvation. They’re trying to avoid dehydration. And now they’re trying to avoid murder. It’s at my lowest points, whether I long for a time since past, or a moment yet to occur, for a person I miss, or for a feeling I desire, that I imagine these scenarios, and all of a sudden I start to live life. I don’t start jumping out of planes, or climbing up mountains, or anything extreme. I simply start to focus more on my goals, my dreams, and my aspirations. I start to focus on them with more devotion than I did moments before. Because for some unknown reason, the soul I have was placed in this body. A body that’s clothed, fed, and nurtured. A body with warmth and love and friends. A body with opportunities, not with the lack there of.

Life isn’t about living, or dying. It’s not about love, or loss, or sadness. It’s not about goals, or expectations, or money. It’s not about anything in particular. It’s what you make it out to be. However you view life, is life. We each view it differently, and the sum of the parts make up something we can’t comprehend.

No matter how you’re feeling, no matter the sadness in your heart, it always works out, whether you believe it or not. As long as you’re a good person, you’re 50% ahead of the game. We all desire things on a constant basis, but we all don’t stop and think about the lives we have that others can only dream of. Fun times are coming, sad times as well. To dwell on the sad is to do wrong on the good. If you focus on the sad, no matter how hard it is not to, life will pass you by. Life is there, every moment is there, to be viewed, and enjoyed. Don’t let simple moments drift away because you were too busy looking up at the moon. The stars are in front of you, shining brightly, don’t let them pass you by.

Everything will be ok…

I’ve been in the sun for 2 days.  Yesterday for softball practice (yey!  *squeels like a school girl after she sees Kirk Cameron on the cover to Tiger Beat*) and today after playing Bocce.  My face is red, my arms are red, and my neck is a bad Jeff Foxworthy joke.  That’s good, except for the moment I take off my shirt, and my mirror cracks.  Notice how I said mirror, and say, people on the beach?  That’s right orange county, you’re safe from my pasty nipples for one day.

FOR-ONE-DAY!!!