Playing a massively multiplayer game with someone you love…
Or your sister…I’m not sure which it was.
On my walk this evening I was doing my standard looking into people’s houses and seeing what I could see, thing. As I passed one person’s house, there was a guy and a girl, both looked to be about late 20′s, playing something that looked like World of Warcraft. Even better, the dude was chubby and had a wife beater on. Is a shirt called the wife beater even PC anymore? He had a spouse slapper on?
As I walked back I saw their house again, and the game was still on, but now they were fixing food. It was sweet and terrifying.
Also on the way back I was able to see a stereotype drive by me: A lady with no lights on and her blinker consistently on. I feel special for having witnessed these things tonight. Like God smiled down upon me between his games of World of Warcraft and said, “Here you go dude, here’s some random shit so you’re not bored walking around, butt hole.”
Now they’re on twitter! Or, atleast John is. The other one just stands by. Eventually he’ll get his own twitter. Or chime in or something. But click the link below to start following them! Every once in awhile I’m going to post this again, incase Oprah Winfrey stumbles upon my website and wants to know where to follow John and Unicorn.
Time sure does fly. And space takes the train, because space enjoys seeing the landscape, having a quiet meal, enjoying the company of others. Do they still have meal carts in trains? I always wanted to sit on a train and get served a full meal. I wonder if it’s like airplanes now where you put down a tray like a baby and you’re given some sort of mush you have to eat while watching tv. It really is sort of degrading to eat on an airplane.
Whichever airline figures out how to serve me food without making me think like I need to wear a bib is the airline that will get all of my business.
All day they were blaring music. Which is fine. I’m one of the most easy going tenants you’ll ever have. You don’t believe me? Awww…how come you don’t believe me
I love noise. In fact, I love living places where I can hear cars passing by on the street. It’s soothing. And garbage trucks? It’s like playing Beethoven on a kazoo to a monkey. I LOVE IT!
So people next door playing music, I’m ok with. Let them have their fun, God bless’em. It doesn’t bug me…but the hippies…just sorta weird me out…
They always bbq, ALWAYS. When they’re not bbqing, they’re probably sleeping and dreaming of bbqing. That’s fine too, I love bbq. I’d make love to a bbq if there wasn’t a chance I’d burn my who-who-dilly.
They play music. A LOT. Whenever they’re bbq’ing, they’re playing music. Sitting outside talking? Music. Smoking crack? Ok they don’t smoke crack. But if they DID, there’d be music involved.
All of that is fine. I love all of that, except the crack. Don’t do crack, kids.
The thing is it’s ALWAYS them two. They live like they’re constantly having a party, but no one’s invited. I kind of want to go downstairs with a bundt cake and introduce myself again and ask if I can enjoy some crack steaks.
But then what if they’re one of those aging hippie swinger couples? Where you get past the front door and the ficus tree and then turn to your right and it’s just a WALL of ball gags and dildos? I don’t think I could eat bbq the same way again if I saw that.
I mean, I’d still eat bbq, I’m just sayin….bbq is delicious.
It’s a totem pole of Peanut Butter! Lets run through it, shall we? We got nutty on the bottom, then chili, then smooth. That’s it. This was boring.
I figured to properly close out the month, I should add some Peanut Butter to my chili. This is not unlike how I close out a concert, where I take a dump on a guitar, and light it on fire while singing kumbaya on my butt cheeks.
No butt cheeks were harmed in the making of this post…
Yet…
There’s the can of chili. I added roasted white corn to the mix because 1: I love roasted white corn. and 2: I had roasted white corn. You thought there was a joke somewhere here? Sorry to disappoint you Senator, but this debate is OVER!
Here’s the Peanut Butter getting ready for the chilipocalypse. You know the Peanut Butter is probably pissed at me. “Dude, put us on some bread, maybe bake cookies with us, what’s with you and this shit you make?” “FUCK YOU PEANUT BUTTER I AM YOUR MASTER!!!
That’s what the Peanut Butter looked like in the chili with low light and a gif of Perry White from Smallville going “OOO!” “oh” “OOO!” “oh” at the bowls. I’m going to be doing the same thing later on the toilet.
In anycase, both were freaking AWESOME!!! This is my favorite canned chili. It has beans, meat(?) and other junk in it. It’s not harsh and it’s pretty smooth. When you add in some Peanut Butter, it gets even MORE smooth. Adds a tiny tinge of saltiness to it too, as well as a little bit of sweetness. The thing is, when it cools down, it gets THICK. Like, rapper video chick’s ass THICK. I wanted to start rapping about how the chili took my money but I still love it, and some hommie got up in my face, but I got my girl who’s got my back. But instead I just continued eating the Peanut Butter mush.
Would I add Peanut Butter to chili again? Probably if I’m stoned out of my mind, sure. But when you’re stoned out of your mind, the sky’s the limit! Usually because you’re tripping balls and think the sky is out to get you, and your only choice is to eat 2 bags of doritos to keep the sprinkly men away from your butt hole.
My neighbor, Slammy McSlammerstein decided long ago that this was HER world. HER rules. And HER slamming!
Come home from work?
SLAM!
Take out the trash?
SLAM!
Leave for the evening?
SLAM!
Didn’t slam for the past 3 hours?
SLAM!
And yet, at other times?
One of her friends come over?
Quiet closing of the door.
She sees me as she goes into her apartment?
Quiet closing of the door.
Sees a neighbor as she goes in her door?
Quiet closing of the door.
Doesn’t see me as she closes her door?
FUCK YOU IT’S SLAMMIN’ TIME BITCHES!
One day when scientists stop playing Rock Band for 2 minutes and go back to scientistin’, they’re going to develop a device that creates energy based upon how hard you slam a door. And when that day comes, we’ll all be paying part of our electric bill to Slammy as she enjoys her new profession like a pig in shit.
I just wish she didn’t slam doors like it were her job NOW, before the egg heads build the stupid thing.
Unlike any way you could ever imagine! Some people celebrate with balloons. Some, with pie. Others, by stripping naked and running into rose bushes. Myself? I like to bust out a box of mac and cheese and slather Peanut Butter all over it. Why not? It’s in the constitution!
And there’s the pretty lass now. I have a crap load of frozen veggies in my freezer, so every time I make mac and cheese, I add something. This time, it was lima beans! I know you’re getting way too excited for this time of night, so please, calm down so we can proceed.
I honestly thought that adding Peanut Butter to mac and cheese would be a home run. Last time I added goobers to it, and it wasn’t great. But I thought it was goobers fault! I’ll later find out how wrong I was.
If you hover over the picture you can read what my thoughts on the pictures are.
Suffice to say, this was not good. At all. It didn’t help that I didn’t have milk when I made this. I know, who doesn’t have milk? UHM, LACTOSE INTOLERANT PEOPLE, ASSHOLE! You can be such a jerk sometimes. It was very dry, and there was very little flavor. Mac and cheese normally is pretty bland, it’s like a white trash version of tofu. Tastes like whatever you add to it. But I only had lima beans and garlic salt. I also have a giant tub of vermont maple syrup, but I’m saving that for steak.
So anywho, instead of milk I added more water. It didn’t help. I thought it would, but it didn’t. I was so pissed when I opened up the fridge and didn’t see any milk. But then I got SO happy when I saw I still had a bunch of sees candy in there!
One time when I was a kid, we ran out of milk. So I decided to just add water to the cereal. Worst decision I ever made. Even worse than the time that I thought I could float to the ground using a ralphs shopping bag after jumping off of a ladder. My Dad stopped me before I could do it, but I swear to this day if I JUST got the right amount of air, I would have floated to the ground like a ballerina.
In anycase, don’t add Peanut Butter to mac and cheese, stupid.
There’s the fucking video. Let me start by saying that the lead singer is oddly ugly. Like he looks normal, then you see his face real close, you get scared.
I know the video is from the Smother’s Brothers show, but who cares. It adds to the creepiness of the song. yes, the song is scary, listen.
First you got some very dreary sound with a guy singing in a very mellow, almost magical way, like a siren call into an island filled with weird looking dudes.
Then it gets all peppy and shit! Nope, now we got that weird 60′s musical instrument and it’s 1/2 cheery and 1/2 dreary. That drum beat sounds like the drums of death coming to take you back to work because you escaped and your work actually HIRED a grim reaper to get you back to work. Listen you don’t fuck with WalMart, ok? Then it’s happy again. The same drum turns all up beat, the song is FUCKING with you. It’s luring you in. It’s confusion is your downfall!
The guy keeps singing about how no matter what, you and him are together. He’s singing about DEATH. Seriously! Listen! What’s the one thing you cannot avoid? Is it love? Is it romance? No, it’s dying. He’s actually upbeat that you’re scared of your own demise! He’s singing about how beautiful it will be to be reunited with you! “The only one for me is you, and you for me.” that’s creepy. Then he just starts singing random sounds, that’s what a CRAZY man does! Just random noises!
Then he just says “How is the weather?” Imagine a very depressing scene, the end is nigh, and here’s this scary man looking back at you saying he’s so happy to be with you over and over again and then he gets closer and says “How is the weather?” as you go off into the distance! SPRAY HIM WITH HOLY WATER!!!
Man, it really is a very dreary song. It makes you sad and depressed, then happy, then the whole weather line comes along and you finally buy into the whole thing and you’re not scared anymore. Death basically tells you that dying is no big deal with the interjection of the weather line. Like, “What? You’re worried about…huh? Don’t be afraid, oh, how is the weather?” and you’re not scared anymore but you do have to wonder why the singer has a weird discombobulated face that you want to love, but also don’t want to stare at.
God I love comic book wednesday. Speaking of which, I haven’t picked up my actual comics from the comic shop in over a month. I think…I mentioned this the last time it was comic book wednesday? Shit man, that’s gonna cost a lot. But it’s my duty to please that comic booty.
Sorry for the delay in posting this, all 3 people who read this…for NOW. Because once I get onto Oprah this will all change. See, the cops will be called and they’ll pry me from the top of oprah and then I’ll have interviews lined up till the cows come home. “Sir, why did you jump on top of Oprah?” “This was the only way I knew of how to get onto Oprah. If you have a better way, you let me know, PAL!”
You gotta be an idiot to not know what this song is about. “Google bring the chorus in.” It’s pretty evident that Jay Z is tripping balls and he hears music everytime he opens up Google to get directions to the local Wendy’s. If you can’t pick up on these simple meanings, then honestly, go punch yourself in the face.
As yet another public service to everyone in TV land, I’m here to give insight and explanation to one of the most confusing songs to come out in the last 12 days. Again, I’m in bold.
“John you idiot, this song isn’t confusing at all.”
“Fuck you it is. Just you watch.”
Forever Young
BY: Alphaville
and
Jay Z.
and
Mr. Hudson
and
Bonk’s Adventure
[Mr. Hudson]
Let’s dance in style, Put this duck constume on.
Let’s dance for a while, It’s tuesday now, lets aim for Friday.
Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies Jesus is gonna be pissed that you kept him waiting.
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst, It’s only a 2nd degree burn, I’m cool bro, lets go hit the waves.
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not? What’s this have to do with dancing?
Let us die young or let us live forever, That’s our only two options.
We don’t have the power but we never say never, “I don’t think I can fight that kangaroo, bro.” “Never say never!”
Sitting in a sandpit, All the chairs at the table are taken, OOOO a sandpit!
Life is a short trip, Not if you live forever!
The music’s for the sad man, So’s this guy’s penis.
[Chorus]
Forever young, Never gonna die watch me fly Momma! JR! GET OFF OF THE HOUSE! IVE GOT THE POWER MOMMA I CAN LIVE FOREVER!!!!
I wanna be forever young AHHHHHHHHHH *splat*
Do you really want to live forever? If I can eat white castle during all that time, you got your answer, buddy.
Forever and ever Fo-eva-eva?
Forever young I wanna be Trust in the force, you must
Forever young I thought Alphaville really sang this. Who the fuck is Mr. Hudson?
Do you really want to live forever? On second thought, I’d rather have laser eyes.
Forever, forever How long again?
[Jay-Z]
So we live a life like a video I tape myself pooping
When the sun is always out and you never get old I take naps in tanning beds.
And the champagne’s always cold I make cristal champagne Popsicles!
And the music is always good Turn up good charlotte, hommie!
And the pretty girls just happen to stop by in the hood Because they’re lost.
And they hop their pretty ass up on the hood of dat pretty ass car They’re on the drugs.
Without a wrinkle in today But a giant crack through their butts.
Cuz there is no tomorrow My calendar only goes up until early may.
Just some picture perfect day Let us run naked through the flowers, horatio!
To last a whole lifetime Jay Z doesn’t understand the concept of time and how one day isn’t exactly as long as he imagines.
And it never ends This is the time where the weed kicks in, and time slows down.
Cos all we have to do is hit rewind You’re also imagining him stoned off his gourd carrying a VCR and hitting buttons on it, huh?
So lets just stay in the moment, smoke some weed, See! WEED!
Drink some wine, Hol up, still smokin this gange
Reminisce talk some sh-t forever young is in your mind You hear what gale did to stu the other day? His butt hole won’t heal for a MONTH!
Leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time Time to bust out the paint, we’re goin TAGGIN!
So when the director yells cut, CUT! We gotta do this scene again YOU HAVE TO STOP SMOKING WEED WHEN WE’RE ROLLING FILM!!!
I’ll be fine, I can drive, it’s coo, it’s coo, naw naw, it’s coo
I’m forever young… And 38.
[Chorus]
[Jay-Z]
Fear not when, fear not why, But be afraid once these beans fully digest.
Fear not much while were alive, Don’t worry about those bills man, don’t pay the cable, we’re forever young.
Life is for living not living up tight, Also fuck the mortgage.
See ya somewhere up in the sky, I’m about to take a hit of this. Say goodbye, reality!
Fear not die, I’ll be alive for a million years, bye bye, Don’t fear death, fear another duet with me and someone else.
So not for legends, I’m forever young No idea what this means.
My name shall survive I tagged 1/2 of downtown LA.
Through the darkest blocks, over kitchen stoves, CHAKA BITCHES!
Over Pyrex pots, my name shall be passed down to generations Are there pots made of pyrex?
While debating up in barber shops,young slung, hung here, I’m guessing Jay Z is the slung young guy. CREAM OF SOME YOUNG GUY! OHHHHHHHHHHH
Shorty, the n-gga from here I think the word “nogga” is bleeped out. That’s Croatian for, “foot.” So it says, “Shorty, the foot from here.”
With a little ambition just what we can become here, If I study hard, and put my mind to it, I can smoke pot 22 hours a day.
And as the father passed his story down to his sons ears, “and my porn stash is under my bed. Well, that’s all the information I’ll ever have for you son.”
Younger kid, younger every year, yeah The kid is aging BACKWARDS. Stop rapping about it and get a doctor!
So if you love me baby this is how you let me know. Take off your shirt.
Don’t ever let me go, thats how you let me know, baby, Also, take off your shirt.
[Chorus]
[Jay-Z]
Slamming Bentley doors, STOP SLAMMING THE FUCKING DOOR!
Hopping out of Porsche’s, Jay Z doesn’t know how to operate a door.
Popping up on Forbes lists, “Top 10 black guys who can’t open or close a door. Number 10…”
Gorgeous, Chrysanthemum
Hold up, Keep the door open, I can’t get in unless its already open.
N-ggas thought i lost it, I found my nintendo 64! YEYYYYY
They be talking bullsh-t I gotta go sleep now, sorry
I be talking more sh-t I think Jay Z just has a pad of paper that says how many words needs to be filled in each line
They nauseous, The above was a line that only had 2 spaces.
Hold up, No I’m tired Jay Z, I can’t play all the time.
I’ll be here forever I know, I’ll come visit you tomorrow and we’ll get some coffee and bagels.
You know, I’m on my fall sh-t, Yeah I know, but I’m pretty freaking exhausted
And I ain’t waiting for closure, I will never forfeit, Fine, you win, I hate monopoly anyways.
Less than four bars, You still got enough reception to call a cab, seriously do, leave, I gotta get up early for work tomorrow.
Guru bring the chorus in, Oh it’s guru? I thought it was GOOGLE this whole time? Fuck you dude.
Did you get the picture yet, Naw, you sending it through sprint text mail?
I’m painting you a portrait of young… This better not be illegal.
