So my friend Calig suggested we read the bible. I did what any sane person would instantly do: Gleefully yell “OK!” and then spin in circles for a good 17 minutes.
I threw up EVERYWHERE.
She made a spreadsheet and everything. It lists what we have to read each day and then we discuss it. I was pretty excited to get a bible reading buddy because I always wanted to read the bible. Ok, I honestly never really wanted to READ the bible, but if you DO read the whole bible, you can win some debates pretty easily.
“Jesus said to love everyone equally, why do you support that cause?”
“What do you know, have you ever READ the bible!?”
“Yeah…I have. I read the whole thing, have YOU?”
“…n-no…”
And then I punch the guy in the testicles.
God that’s going to be sweet.
So anywho, today marked the arrival of my beautiful new bible!
CHRISTIANS REJOICE!!!
It’s a “pew” bible. Because when you read it, the word of the Lord goes PEW PEW PEW! hahaha lolololllllllll ah fuck it. Anywho, it’s a bible that should be in pews. So it’s somewhat durable, but every 8th word is italicized. Weird.
Let’s open this thing up, shall we?
STRAIGHT FROM GOD HIMSELF!!!
Every Tuesday or some junk, I’ll be updating what I read in the bible. With snippits of what Calig and myself thought of the readings. It’s a large book, and we pray to have it done by Christmas. Get it? Pray? I’VE BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!!!
Good establishing shot. DMX needs some cash. DMX is FUCKING FURIOUS that he can’t get 40 bucks . He also forgot his card. How’s he going to buy his shit at Ralphs without his card?
The best part is he’s literally slamming the teller window and screaming at them to suck his dick. Beautiful. I’m going to try that one day at Chase. “What do you mean you don’t have 3 dollar bills!?!? SUCK MY DICK!!!”
He finally realizes he’s in a room with people all on the ground. Doesn’t fucking matter, he wants his GODDAMN 40 BUCKS! Now he’s helping the security guard, as he raps. I love how he’s rapping over people. And the police automatically start shooting at the man who’s helping the security guard.
He’s now rapping into a security camera, he’s obviously high as hell as he’s telling the cops he’s going to smack them with his kryptonite dick. I don’t know, if I were the cops, I’d start lobbing tear gas.
Now he’s called the cop’s girlfriend a ho. He’s cursing way too much for the cop’s liking. They’re storming the place. Now he’s got a plan, he’s going up. And…now he’s calling his friend who’s in a car full of dancing women. I wish I had a friend who just drove around the city with a truck full of chicks.
The cops are now confused. He’s on the roof rapping. That’s the perfect escape plan.
“Cops are chasing me!!!”
“START RAPPING!”
Now he’s dropped off the side of the building on a steel cable, and didn’t rip in half. That’s almost more insane than him screaming at the tellers for 40 bucks.
The video’s over. I love this song though. It gets you real pumped, makes you think you can do anything. Like when I’m too lazy to take a shower? I just turn on this song, start saying something about rough riders, and fuck man, I’m lathering up like a mutha fucka!
That’s Trader Joe’s honey wheat pretzel sticks. That man on the bottom has some sort of hand deformity. I thought I saw a blue spider crawling up my wall right now too, so I better speed up this post and get to sleep, because I’m hallucinating.
It’s funny, the Peanut Butters look so disinterested in this entire process. FYI: they were hiding behind the pretzels the whole time!!!
So pretzels and Peanut Butter combined have got to be good, right? It’s like bacon and eggs. Or hash browns and bacon. Or chocolate chip ice cream and bacon. Essentially anything with bacon goes from good, to so good I have to punch a priest good. And that’s bad. Because God’s gonna get mad.
Here’s a picture of smooth Peanut Butter on a pretzel stick incase you never even imagined what it would look like. “Ma! Whut you think uh Peanut Butter would look lyk on sum pretzel sticks!?” “SHUDDUP CLARENCE!”
Poor Clarence
And here’s the other one. Pretty special huh? No.
I’ve never been a big fan of pretzels with Peanut Butter. They both are so damn dry, that you need a lot of water just to wash it down. The thing is, they’re delicious, but so not worth the effort. I mean, if bacon were stuck up a tree, and it’s name was jack, would I help jack off? Yes. Yes I would help jack off till I was sore.
The thing is, this type of snack just tricks you into eating it, even though you KNOW it’s not what you’re looking for. Like when you’re going to Sav-On looking for some elmers school glue and you end up at a gay bath house? This isn’t glue man, this is DEFINATELY not the elmers I was looking for. I’ve bought the trader joe’s little pretzel Peanut Butter nuggets before, and I’ve eaten 4 or 5 and been all happy, but once I get to number 49 I’m all like, naw man…naw…
Also I’m back. Sorry for the long delay. I was finishing up a couple of books and getting them ready for print. It’s an exciting time in my life because I’m finally getting my period. I’m becoming a WOMAN!
The next few weeks will be pretty busy with writing and updating this site, but I don’t think I’ll be going to sleep at 2-3am every night like the past 2 weeks. I also don’t think I’m going to grow that tail I always wanted
So stay tuned, because exciting things are on their way! Mainly, a joke about my vagina and the period I mentioned above! eeeeEEEE!!!!!
They say you should hype yourself up. Never sell yourself short. Even if you have nothing to offer, make sure others will WANT it. Make them DESIRE it!
Well, fuck you, it’s just bananas. Over ripe bananas to boot.
And there’s the bananas with Peanut Butter. You might be wondering,
“John, how come you’re so blazay about this? Shouldn’t you put more effort into your website?”
“No.”
I feel every Peanut Butter month should have some bananas in it. It’s a nice base for comparison. So far no month has measured up to bananas with Jiff. It’s what choosy Mom’s choose. They choose bananas. Because their husbands are always at work and they’re hungry. Hungry for bananas.
And McDonalds.
So how did it stack up? Not too well. First off, chunky Peanut Butter on bananas never work. Remember that. See, the bananas are very squishy. So your teeth chew into the banana incredibly easily, and then you’re left with tiny nuts hitting all through your mouth. That’s what she said. If you were to put chunky Peanut Butter on steak, you’d be fine. Why? Because as you chew the steak, the meat compacts and grinds the nuts together even if your teeth don’t touch them. With the bananas, the nuts are unharmed until they get chewed by you. So it’s like a tiny mine field in your mouth.
Along with that, the smooth’s flavor just isn’t that good. Next time I do a year in review of a product, I’m going to just buy a new flavor every month, so it’s fresh. I blame a lack of foresight.
And McDonalds.
ONTO THE JUDGING!
Trader Joes all natural smooth Peanut Butter gets…
Bacon and eggs cooking.
Trader Joes all natural crunchy Peanut Butter gets…
Hello again everyone. It’s me, the hamburglar. I’ve come once again to spread my joy and wisdom to you all. Some of you might be wondering,
“I wonder what Kesha’s song, “My first kiss” is about?”
Well you came to the right place! Because as a public service to everyone, I’ve decided to decipher the meaning of this song, that way, all of you could better appreciate these lyrical genius’s.
First, the video:
And now, the meaning of the song! Remember, the translated part is in bold!
3OH!3 ft. Kesha Satan featuring Hitler
My First Kiss Fuck you, all of creation and human achievement throughout history.
[3OH!3]
My first kiss went a little like this FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
[Ke$ha]
Well my first kiss went a little like this FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
[Verse]
I said no more teachers FUCK YOU!
And no more books FUCK YOU!
I got a kiss under the bleachers FUCK YOU!
Hoping that nobody looks FUCK YOU!
Lips like liquorish FUCK YOU!
Tongue like candy FUCK YOU!
Excuse me miss but can I get you out your panties? FUCK YOU!
[Hook]
In the back of the car FUCK YOU!
On the way to the bar FUCK YOU!
I got you on my list FUCK YOU!
[I got you on my list] FUCK YOU!
At the foot of the stairs FUCK YOU!
With my fingers in your hair FUCK YOU!
Baby, this is it… FUCK YOU!
[Chorus] x2
She won’t ever get enough FUCK YOU!
Once she gets a little touch FUCK YOU!
If I had it my way, FUCK YOU!
You know that I’d make her say FUCK YOU!
Ooooooh FUCK YOU!
Ooooooh FUCK YOU!
[Verse ]
Well my first kiss went a little like this FUCK YOU!
I said no more sailors FUCK YOU!
And no more soldiers FUCK YOU!
With your name in a heart FUCK YOU!
Tattooed up on the shoulders FUCK YOU!
Your kiss is like whiskey FUCK YOU!
It gets me drunk FUCK YOU!
And I wake up in the morning with the taste of your tongue FUCK YOU!
[Hook]
In the back of the car FUCK YOU!
On the way to the bar FUCK YOU!
I got you on my list FUCK YOU!
[I got you on my list] FUCK YOU!
At the foot of the stairs FUCK YOU!
With my fingers in your hair FUCK YOU!
Baby, this is it FUCK YOU!
[Chorus] x2
She won’t ever get enough FUCK YOU!
Once she gets a little touch FUCK YOU!
If I had it my way, FUCK YOU!
You know that I’d make her say FUCK YOU!
Ooooooh FUCK YOU!
Ooooooh FUCK YOU!
[3OH!3]
My first went a little like this FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
[Ke$ha]
Well My first kiss went a little like this FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
And twist FUCK YOU!
[Chorus] (Spoken)
She won’t ever get enough FUCK YOU!
Once she gets a little touch FUCK YOU!
If I had it my way FUCK YOU!
You know that I’d make her say FUCK YOU!
Ooooooh FUCK YOU!
Ooooooh FUCK YOU!
[Chorus] x2
She won’t ever get enough FUCK YOU!
Once she gets a little touch FUCK YOU!
If I had it my way, FUCK YOU!
You know that I’d make her say FUCK YOU!
Oooooooh FUCK YOU!
Oooooooh FUCK YOU!
She won’t ever get enough FUCK YOU!
Once she gets a little touch FUCK YOU!
If I had it my way, FUCK YOU!
You know that I’d make her say FUCK YOU!
Anywho, I had a great week. I had a Peanut Butter milkshake and…that’s it. That’s the extent of my week. Or, atleast that’s all that I remember. I don’t get brain freeze, I get brain amnesia from those things. It’s sorta true. I eat them so fast, that my head gets cold, I start to feel a pain in my eyes, and when I wake up, I’m in a matress store, naked with an empty bottle of toothpaste in my hand…
Or black. Those are your two options. I’ll wait as you prepare your answer.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And good. I’m glad you feel that way, sista.
But how do you feel about…
EGGS! Oh beautiful eggs! Here’s some health benefits of eggs:
The proper English name for Earth’s natural satellite is, simply, the Moon (capitalized as a proper noun).[6][7]Moon is a Germanic word, related to the Latinmensis[8] and Ancient Greekμήνας (mēnas) both meaning month, and to Μήνη (Mēnē), the alternate name for σελήνη (Selēnē), the Ancient Greek name for the Moon.
Fuck you Wikipedia, you’ve won again…
Eggs are supposed to be super good for you. They are the answer to everything.
Are you fat?
Eggs
Want to build muscle?
Eggs
Enjoy a healthy lifestyle?
Eggs
Have cancer?
Eggs
Cross eyed?
Eggs
Fart a lot?
EGGS.
So it’s no wonder that I’d pair eggs with Peanut Butter. Even more so, it’s no wonder why I can’t poop, but I’m farting all the time.
Ah there she is. I learned how to cook a proper egg from a very important woman in my life:
You hold that weiner Martha. You hold it good.
Here’s the two ladies with the Peanut Butter on them. Don’t they look delicious? Well, they kind of weren’t. Weren’t is a strange word. Look at it. Say it a few times. Weren’t. Weren’t. Weren’t. Now stare at it. Looks like a German word, but isn’t. Isn’t looks normal. Weren’t is strange.
The smooth Peanut Butter kind of negated the egg. Eggs already have a very subtle flavor. They’re there for texture, a little flavor, and appearance. So when you dump some Peanut Butter on it, you know you’re not asking for much. Also the Trader Joe’s Peanut Butter might be close to expiring. It was bought in December, you know. So it has a slightly weird taste. Not sure if it’s from the actual type of nuts they used. Heh heh…nuts…
The crunchy version tasted a little better. It was more fun to eat because there was crunching. This is why I eat doritos chips. Also why I enjoy the fine cool sounds of Barry Manilow.
Here’s a picture of Naruto getting surprised at the eggs.
He’s in sage mode.
ONTO THE JUDGING!
Trader Joes all natural smooth Peanut Butter gets…
A peace symbol.
Trader Joes all natural crunchy Peanut Butter gets…
At least one study has found that peanut oil caused relatively heavy clogging of arteries. Robert Wissler of the University of Chicago reported that diets high in peanut oil, when combined with cholesterol intake, clogged the arteries of Rhesus monkeys more than butterfat.
FUCK NO!
I love how Peanut Butter is GOOD for your heart AND bad for your heart! It’s FUCKING WITH US!
So let’s see what we have here, shall we?
That’s a nice bright shiny picture! SOMEONE remembered to open up the blinds and let some sunshine in!
NO HAIR NO! GET OUT OF MY WEBSITE!!!
So what is under the box this month? DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!
TA DAAAAA…
Ah damnit, not more of this natural SHIT. What did I do to deserve this? Did I punch a nun? Did I slap a cab driver? What the fuck man!? Why can’t skittles make a fucking Peanut Butter? Ohhhh….I have an idea for what to put on Peanut Butter…
Everything comes to an end. Anything created, must be destroyed. Anything birthed, must die. This is the end of the Lady Gaga Manifesto. I broke down the lyrics, I gave insight into the insanity the singer brought into my life, and I cried. I cried so much. I thought it fitting to put an end to the Lady Gaga Manifesto with the below clip. It sums up my feelings completely on the subject. Thank you for visiting. God bless.
