Lumberjack Express

During these current Peanut Butter posts I’m doing situps and pushups, so if some feel rushed, its because I’m about to pass out.  KEEP READING ASSHOLE!

That’s the rap version of a classic Beatles tune.  Also, the main black guy in this version gets shot, but survives.

I like strawberry nutrigrain bars most due to principle.  Strawberry flavored shit is just naturally delicious.  Normal strawberries suck balls though.  Who knew it?  Anywho, let’s see how the chocolate looks on the nutrigrain bar!

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oh that’s right, I forgot to take pics of the stuff on the bar.  My bad

First, Maranatha has a weird taste…I can’t pinpoint what it is.  PBC tastes like chocolate and Peanut Butter.  “DUH” you say, “that’s what it is!” FUCK YOU EINSTEIN!

Maranatha CPB (Chocolate Peanut Butter) wasn’t great.  You could taste the strawberry but not much else.  Like hugging a fat aunt.  You can feel the fat, but, where’s the love?

PBC CPB (WTF) you can taste the Peanut Butter, a little chocolate, little strawberry, but the whole thing is grainy.

ONTO THE RATING!

Maranatha Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A bunny.

Peanut Butter and Co. Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter gets:

A boxer drinking water.

With an overall score of…

A conga line with an upset guy who’s kind of not into the whole thing.

Thank you.

I love chocolate.  I love liver meow mix meow mix please dee-liv-er…

I had no intent on singing that, but there it is.

AND THIS IS!

Yes again this month we’ve got nutrigrain bars.  Why?  FUCK YOU WHY!  Listen, it’s a new flavor, it’s not just Peanut Butter, so I thought,

“OMG IF BRAD PITT HAD A KID WITH OPRAH THAT KID WOULD BE HALF BLACK AND HALF OPRAH!”

But then I thought

“You know what, chicken butt.  Also, it’s chocolate, like Oprah, so let’s revisit some of this stuff?”

And here we are.

That’s the inside of the maranatha chocolate Peanut Butter, not a picture of a colonoscopy from a man who’s eaten way too much Indian food.  The consistency of the stuff is very creamy, it has the consistency of all natural creamy peanut butter, where it just goes everywhere like some hooker in Hollywood who has a heart of gold and knows how to drive stick in a Lamborghini WHY WON’T YOU LOVE HER!!!!

Here’s the Peanut Butter & CO (known from this point forward as PBC) insides after wolverine clawed it.  Notice how it’s very thick, and there’s a crack in the side to show how it doesn’t move much.  Also notice the claw marks from Wolverine.

PBC notes that this is fun to eat.  Also, there’s a sleeping monkey with a grotesquely long arm.  Listen, if you have FUN eating Peanut Butter, like, you make time in your day and get in comfy clothing and start to giggle while you’re eating Peanut Butter, it’s probably best to kill youself now, before Mother Nature notices you’re still alive and comes back to finish the job she started long ago.

Notice how the Maranatha brand chocolate Peanut Butter is gooey?  That’s because it’s gooey.  Initially it had a very weird taste.  The PB brought out the blueberry taste though, like, the blueberry had added strength.  Maybe it did some pushups, maybe it ate some egg whites, I don’t know.  Kinda tasted like bubble gum.  Not sure if that was the actual combination or me having a tiny stroke.

The PBC had a very…brownie consistency.  That’s the best way I can describe it without getting naked.  Imagine a very moist brownie, it’s like that but without nudity.  It had a very chalky taste, not sure what that was.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter gets:

A leprechaun buying a used car with his pot of gold.

Peanut Butter and Company Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter gets:

Italy.

With an overall score of:

My left arm.

Thank you.

I’ve decided that at the end of each month, I’m going to rate the top 5 posts from the past month.  These were chosen by me, and for me.  I don’t care if you agree, nor do I care that I agree.  I just care….I care…

Some of you might think this is self serving.  To these people I say, DUH!!!  Who the hell do you think I make this website for?  ME!  I do this to entertain myself!

So let’s have a count down, shall we?

Number 5:

Sugar Rush of the Gods

Excerpt:

I love the way a chocolate covered donut cracks at the top when you bite into it.  I love the texture, the feel of the donut as I rub it all over my chest before I eat it…I don’t do this…

Number 4:

Tik Tok Ima Fight Till I See My Butt Light

Excerpt:

Put your hands up
If I had a gun right now, I’d need two bullets. One to shoot myself in the leg, and another to end my misery.
No, the party dont stop until I walk in
If this chick walked into my house I’d have to bleach the door knob.

Number 3:

These Things That I’ve Learned

Excerpt:

You’ll never look at a milky way the same again…

Number 2:

Stop Talking That Shit Shit SHIIIIIIIIIT

Excerpt:

Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah
I’ve swallowed your jizzim
Just zip your lips like a padlock
Our transaction is through, tonight.

Number 1:

There’s Nothing Better Than McDonalds

Excerpt:

The second of the two dreams is explained here, if you keep reading, after I’m done typing, after these words.

I was at a restaurant in the dream, and I was stuck with a 330 dollar bill. It was for mediocre food, but I look down and go “Fuck, I gotta pay 60 bucks worth of tip on this shit?! Wait, what is it before tax I’ll go with before tax numbers WAIT ITS STILL TOTAL OVER 350 BUCKS WHO THE FUCK ORDERED THIS SHIT!?”

So it was more of a nightmare.

Anywho, I’ve decided to start tipping at restaurants based upon the pre-tax amount. I think it’s garbage to tip someone with tax included. Sure, it’s not much more. For a 100 dollar meal tax is say, 10 bucks. 18% of that, if we’re using 18%, is 1.80. Is 1.80 a big deal?

ITS THE FUCKING PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!!!!

Also, I feel bad for people who have a 1000 dollar dinner bill but 500 of that is say, wine. You are paying almost 100 dollars in tip based upon the guy walking to the wine area, grabbing the wine, and bringing it over, yet that 50 dollar steak which took awhile to prepare and care for, is getting 10 bucks on top.

And when I say “Feel bad for” I mean “Want to punch in nuts for.”

I gotta go vacuum.

Ok so here’s one of two from last night.

I’m in a grocery store, it kind of resembles the Ralphs by my apartment, but, with a large balcony inside the place or something.  A group of terrorists barge in and start telling people that they’re holding up the place.  I say terrorists because they look like Die Hard type terrorists, but in the dream I viewed them as robbers.

So I go towards the back of the place and I’m running with my little sister, and a terrorist person is about 20 feet behind me.  I make a left down an aisle but I grab a 1/2 gallon container of milk from the shelf, a plastic one.  I see this as weird because the milk is not chilled, just sitting there.

The terrorist/robber lady comes around the corner and I back hand her with the container of milk and she’s out like a lightbulb.  Not sure what happens next, but I’m now outside escaping in a gold late 90’s Infinity G45 with my sister in the passenger seat, but this is the parking lot of a shopping center in Rosemead.

Weird.

The gym is a magical place, full of naked men, and supposedly, naked women.  I don’t believe girls when they say that old women run around naked in the women’s locker room.  I just can’t, nothing that awesome can exist in this reality.

No, the gym is a place for reason and logic.  Nothing escapes the purview of this grand place.  Men and women alike can escape the blinding light and toxic air of the outdoors.  In the gym you can retreat to a land that was born to embrace you.  You’re welcomed into the warm glow of flat panel monitors and the cool breeze of recirculated air.  You’re one with your fellow travelers in place, and the sense of camaraderie as you lift oddly shaped objects in a repetitive manner is something that needs to be experienced, at least once in life.

Yes, the gymnasium is a magical place.  At times you think you’ve spotted frodo doing curls, or an orc lifting some weights, but no.  It was just your fellow humans trying to release the weight of the world with a product sponsored by Walker, Texas Ranger.

I love the gym, infact, I’m heading there right now.  Not because I want to, or because I have to, but because I…wait, it’s because I want to and have to.  I want to run in place and have to watch 1 of the over 6 working TV stations on the monitor in front of me.

God bless you gymnasium, if it weren’t for you I’d probably have to experience reality in a realistic manner.  Mother Nature is a cold hearted bitch, and you are my knight in dick exposed shining armor.

My website has some pluggin that tells me certain website stats.  How many visits a day (like, 4) and one great little tidbit.  It tells me what search term people have used on the internet today, and yesterday, that actually led them to this website.  IE: They searched for a phrase, this website popped up, and then they clicked on the link and got here.

Below is an image of exactly which search terms were used yesterday and today for a few people to visit this site:

Hahahaha I’m not sure which one I liked better: “Pineapple + anus” or “Jesus shooting lightning” hahahaha fucking hell.

Also, I’ve been glancing at this stuff every few days, and the recurring search term is people researching why their poop is light brown.  Lemme give you a hint: YOU EAT TOO MUCH PEANUT BUTTER!!!!

Also, a 48 year old former popular chick in high school is probably researching what “but we kick them to the curb” means.  She wants to be hip with her kids again, and relive the glory days of getting plugged by Roger, the star quarterback between 4th and 5th period.

Though…I don’t remember writing the phrase, “pooping pleasure” in my website…strange….

I’ve come to realize that this Kesha girl’s songs are one big, “FUCK YOU” to humanity, much like single ply toilet paper was in the past.  Damn you single ply…I JUST ROLL YOU UP ANYWAYS!  I SAVE NO MONEY!  I SAVE NOTHING!

I’m sitting here after eating a gigantic bowl of chili with beans.  My asshole is the gate keeper to many evils that will be unleashed to this world.

Essentially I gotta take a crap.

But I can’t take anymore of this fucking song!  IT’S INFURIATING!  I’m not an uptight guy, I honestly am super laid back, but I have NO idea what this lady’s agenda is or what her plan for the world might be, so I once again tread very dangerous waters so that I might decipher the meanings behind her new song, aptly titled “Blah Blah Blah.”

For your record, below is the previous post where I translated that Tik Tock song.  Another fine moment in human history.

Tik Tok I’ma Fight Till I See My Butt Light

The true meanings of the words have been bolded.

Blah Blah Blah by Kesha
Fuck You Youth of America by A Fake Rebellious Whore

Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah
I’ve swallowed your jizzim
Just zip your lips like a padlock
Our transaction is through, tonight.
And meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox
Two crispy tacos, large coke
I dont really care where you live at
I make my bed in a dumpster
Just turn around boy and let me hit that
Spousal abuse is wrong, no matter who initiates it
Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat
One day a washed up MMA fighter will make me his bride
Just show me where your dick’s at
Look within ME

Music’s up
Mark McGuire is batting cleanup
Listen hot stuff
Suitable mate, I call to thee
I’m in love
I’ve never known the love of a true human
With this song
My butt’s flapping gently in the wind
So just hush
This hangover could destroy 1/2 of Europe
Baby shut up
I’ve produced offspring
Heard enough
My grasp on the English language is tenuous, at best.

Stop talking that
Three word lines are my greatest achievement
Blah blah blah
shit shit shiiiiit
Think you’ll be getting this
I’ve not bathed in months
Nah nah nah
I said my first word at the age of 8
Not in the back of my
The back of my butt has seen many suitors
Car-ar-ar
This is the laziest line in all of music history
If you keep talking that
This song is hard to decipher, because
Blah blah blah blah blah
There is literally no meaning in any of these lines

Boy come on get your rocks off
Place your seed within me
Come put a little love in my glove box
My vagina is the size of a modern vehicle’s glove compartment
I wanna dance with no pants on
Oddly enough, I sleep in a parka
Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox
Where’s my two crispy tacos and coke?
So cut to the chase kid
In a few years when I top off at about two and some change, there won’t be a chase as much as a waddle
‘Cause I know you don’t care what my middle name is
My first name is used in demonic incantations
I wanna be naked
I enjoy a speedy path towards motherhood
But your wasted
This matters not
Music’s up
This is not music
Listen hot stuff
I can’t see straight
I’m in love
This feeling in my genitals signals attraction towards you/it
With this song
I would mate with my iPod if I hadn’t lost it
So just hush
Ironic that I tell someone else to shut up
Baby shut up
See previous line
Heard enough
If this lady has ever read a book, I’ll donate 50 dollars to the charity of your choosing

Stop talking that
This song isn’t over is it?
Blah blah blah
I could have sworn I made fun of this exact same line 8 times now
Think you’ll be getting this
Honestly, I’m single, and if she offered herself to me, I’d have to punch my dick
Nah nah nah
This is correct
Not in the back of my
Her back has seen more action than Afghanistan
Car-ar-ar
This woman cannot possibly operate heavy machinery.
If you keep talking that
It was a genius move to give her a record deal.  Somewhere, a record exec is having sex with a mound of coccaine
Blah blah blah blah blah
shit shit shit shit shit

You be delaying,
My pregnancy is forthcoming
You always be saying some shit
I really did order 2 crispy tacos and a coke
You say I’m playing,
Life is not a game, but doing an 8 ball in a dingy club bathroom is
I’m never laying the bitch
I don’t know what this means
Sayin’ “blah, blah blah”
I think this was created by a random word generating machine
’cause I don’t care who you are
I don’t know the difference between subtraction and addition
In this bar
I was conceived in this exact same bar
It only matters who I is
The grammar nazi’s would hunt her down for this one

Stop talking that Blah blah blah
This song is 4 minutes too long
Think you’ll be getting this
Not doing this again
Nah nah nah
I thought I could do this whole bit again with her songs but I can’t
Not in the back of my
I really does pain me to try and make a joke out of this, it’s just so sad
Car-ar-ar
To think, kids are listening to this and we think that’s alright.  This is worse than drugs
If you keep talking that
She’s on drugs!  are you on drugs!?
Blah blah blah blah blah
Fuck this shit.  I hereby will never do another one of these again.  I nearly killed myself 1/2 way through, because I thought I was stuck in some recurring loop hell and that everytime I hit enter, this whole endeavor got one line LONGER and not SHORTER.  For a split second I believed that I had died moments ago, and was stuck in a limbo of blah blah blah.  This truly is the closest recreation of hell.  I pray to a God who has long forgotten me that this woman doesn’t have another #1 hit song so that I might be free of her tyranny.  I beg of you, Lord, do not let me fall into temptation and do this again!  Jesus, why did you have to unleash this beast upon the world?  HUMANITY CRIES OUT FOR FORGIVENESS!

I’m kind of hungry for jack in the box tacos now…mmm….american cheese in tacos….mmmm…..

In my apartment.

This might have to do something with me constantly cooking grilled onions around here. Which is fine, I love grilled onions. I just look at my couch sometimes and think,

“Man, some poor bastard’s gonna plop his chunky ass down in that seat and throw up when they get a good dank whiff of grilled onions.”

HERE’S HOW I MAKE GRILLED ONIONS!

1: Chop up the onions
2: Put them in a non stick skillet that has melted butter in it.
3: throw in garlic salt and pepper
4: Mix around. Put cover on skillet. Cook on medium/low-medium heat with cover on.
5: Every 3 minutes or so move the stuff around. The cover is on there so the onions don’t burn, rather, they get mushy and cooked through.
6: When they’re at your desired consistency, throw in some soy sauce into the mix. Just toss it all around, you’ll find your medium. Cover and cook about 2min more
7: Eat the grilled onions
8: Poop grilled onions.

The grilled onions are delicious on burgers, on top of refried beans, in chili, whatever you want. Use it with EVERYTHING I know I do.

The trick is the soy sauce. It gives the onions some juice and makes them a little sweet. Perfect taste.

This show was brought to you by the letter: Diarrhea.