Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

So the first post in the Dreams category should go to the one I had last night.  And let me tell you, it was a DOOSY!

DOOSEY!

Doosie?

It was FUCKED. UP.

So let me try and run it down for you guys.  The dream starts off with me in the middle of a downtown area, looking up.  Apparently above us, high in the sky, is some sort of explosion about to, or JUST happening.  The fear I had from the explosion was a, “this is it,” sort of thing.  Not sure if we were all going to die, or if this was more of an apocalypse sort of setting.

Anywho, here comes Spiderman and he starts creating this gigantic web DOME over us, as a sort of shield, and I felt weirdly safe.  Then Iceman skates by, and he starts to create a secondary dome right below Spiderman’s, as a sort of failsafe!  And I’m watching all of this in amazement, because, shit man, TWO superheroes!

All of this is happening very vividly, when all of a sudden I’m on some sort of…light house…island?  You know the light houses that sit on their own island, or, down some sort of tiny peninsula?  Anywho, I look up and there’s fucking IRONMAN floating in the air, using his repulsor rays to…absorb?  Or….to open up a gateway to another dimension.  This gateway is absorbing another one of those “explosions” from the previous part of the dream.  I look at Ironman and go, “Wow, did you send that explosion to another dimension?” and he just goes, “No.” and floats off.  Arrogant asshole.

So then I think I’m being chased by some sort of midget mexican dude or some crap around the outside roof (we’re literally running along the rain gutters?) of a cottage, and Ironman shows up again and I think battles the mexican midget or something?  But it was a sailor mexican midget?  Like, a sea captain of olden times?   I have no idea, I was kind of freaked out.

I woke up to the inevitable piss, as I was surrounded by water in the second part of the dream, and while pissing I think, “man, there is no WAY I’m remembering THIS dream!”  I often say that to myself after a weird dream, and sure enough, I NEVER remember them.

But I remembered this one…strange.

Not sure what it all means, probably that I want to have sex with a midget mexican ironman on a boat or some stupid shit, but fucking SHIT man I got to see THREE superheroes in my dreams!  AWESOME!

I go to bed now.

God I love beans.  I love them.  I bought a giant pack of them from Costco, and I was in heaven.  I’d take one can out of the cupboard (from the anglo-saxon: cup-toilet) and plop that shit into a pan.  I’d get some onions, cheese, salsa, etc. and pile it on there.  I was in heaven…

Until I opened up the cupboard (from the anglo-saxon: cup-diarhea) and found dried bean…SHIT on the cans.  On all of them!  There was like, 14 cans left!  They weren’t on there when I bought them!  What the fuck was this shit?  I have absolutely no idea.  How do I even find OUT about this?  I can’t ask friends!  They’d look at me weird!

“Hey man, you ever have dried bean shit on the outside of your can?”
“…wat?”

How in the hell would you google that anywayst?

“Let’s see here…dried…bean…shit…can…wow, I didn’t know there was this much German porn on the internet…”

So I threw all of the cans of beans away.  My thought was, “I’m not eating cans of beans that a 5inch midget shit all over.”  YES they exist!  But are they really midgets, if they’re 5 inches tall?  Are they more of just…really giant tiny people?  Tiny people are typically 3 inches tall, so these 5 inch tall tiny people are usually drafted into the tiny people NBA.

Whatever the case may be, the really giant tiny people shit all over every can of frijoles in my cupboard (from the anglo-saxon: cup-crevice), and I’m pretty sure I want NOTHING to do with that.

I miss my beans

Superman.

If you didn’t know this, you gotta get your head out of your ass.

Think about it.  Anyone in the “know” understands this.  Superman is…well, SUPERman.  He is incredibly strong, incredibly fast, he’s invulneratble, can fly, has heat vision, etc. etc. etc  Ok, let me put it into perspective…

Superman can travel at just under the speed of light.  He can throw aircraft carriers.  He can stand on the surface of the Sun and not worry about shit.  His only weakness is a tiny green rock from his home planet.  Great, you try and beat up a guy with a green rock as he’s blasting you with heat vision from the upper atmosphere.  Oh, you want to shoot him with a kryptonite bullet?  Good, can it travel at the speed of light?  No?  Hmmm…

With all those powers, those God-like powers, the ultimate question becomes: why can’t Superman make the entire world safe?

He can.

He can, but he shouldn’t.  And he doesn’t.

Imagine if Superman kept the entire world safe.  Remember, he CAN.  Remember, the speed of light is 186,000 miles a second.  That means he can circle the globe 20 times before you even blink.  If he does that all day, he can make sure that not one gun is fired, not one knife is drawn, and not one bomb is lit.  Imagine if he not only stops violence, but punishes those who would commit violence?  All in the time it takes you to read this sentence, not one act of violence has taken place.

But then we’d become too DEPENDENT on him.  And he would become BORING.  Why do you think Superman is constantly defeated using psychological attacks in the comics?  Why do you think he always gets suckered into situations where he lands in a Kryptonite jail cell?  Why do you think?

Because if he wasn’t, we wouldn’t read him.  We wouldn’t care.  Imagine if every book since 1939 had Superman fixing every situation in 2 panels.  It would be boring, and STUPID.

The same situation applies to, lets say, GOD.  “God, why do you let bad things happen?”

God’s response?

“Because you idiot, if I didn’t, you all would become so dull and stupid, I’d shoot myself!”

That pretty much answers it.  Imagine if God made every prayer come true?  Lets start with the simple ones…

“God, please end all war!”

Well that was good!  No more dying!  I can get behind that!

“God, please end all hunger!”

Another great one!  Who likes starving people?  I don’t.  Everyone should be well fed!

“God, please help me study for my Chemistry test tomorrow…”

Sure that’s…wait what?  Your dumb ass can’t sit down in a chair and study for something you, as an adult, chose to undertake?  You need GOD to help you fulfill your commitments that you in good conscious chose to take part in?  You lazy piece of crap.

The “you” in the above sentence actually refers to, “me,” John.  I pray to God that I make it to McDonalds before they stop serving breakfast some mornings!  And that’s WITHOUT God answering all our prayers!

Think about that for a second.  God doesn’t answer all of our prayers, and yet I CONSTANTLY ask for stupid shit!  In the blind HOPE that MAYBE God will answer it!  “Oh, sweet!  I can get my sausage biscuit with egg!  Thank’s God!”  “Don’t mention it John, ahhhh SHIT, while getting you that biscuit 800 people died in a tidal wave…”

That’s why God can’t answer all our prayers.  Our stories would suck if he did.  We’d have no drama, no tension, no build up, no…no nothing.  We’d be one giant glob of useless shit that no one would care for.  I know it sucks that bad things happen to good people.  But if good things happened to all people, then…well life would honestly only be worth about two panels…

That was the thought I had as I sat here thinking of what I should write for my new blog entry. “Clear your mind, and the answer will come…”

Immediately dick jokes started pouring in. What does that say about me? Who gives a fuck, what does it say about the UNIVERSE!?

It’s religious scientific fact that all of our thoughts and actions emanate from the universe.  The Universe bestows upon us all of our creative juices. We are essentially artistic conduits for the cosmos. We simply open our mind, and allow the Universe to bestow upon us…

dick jokes…

Fuck you Universe. You hear me!?!? I’m here to make waves in this life! I’m here to write shit that will forever change the face of reality as we know it! And all you give me are DICK JOKES!?!?!!? Goddamnit! It’s like when I was a kid and I asked for an Optimus Prime Transformer for Christmas! That’s all I wanted! We weren’t rich, we were poor, but we could have scrounged around for ONE MEASELY OPTIMUS PRIME TRANSFORMER! All my little body wanted was that red and blue shiny object in all its glory under the tree! And what did I get instead, at that tender age of 6?

DICK JOKES!!!

I’m frozen through and through! My head is hot and my feet are cold ah ee ah choo!

Fuck you.

Everytime I get that song in my head it’s there for the rest of the day. And I always wonder…

What the fuck was that show about? A penguin who hates the cold? Who was his arch villain? Wasn’t it a polar bear? Why do animators choose such horribly violent elements of nature and turn them cuddly? I swear if we ever clone a brontosaurus there’s gonna be a shit load of people who get stepped on trying to pet the cuddly 100 ton creature.

Fuck you Hannah Barbera.

Everyone looks forward to the zombie apocalypse. EVERYONE. “Sweet! I get to kill humans with no fear of the law!”

Idiot.

Let us first make clear that killing zombies IS super cool. We all know this. But you must be PREPARED for a zombacalypse! “I got guns and canned food!”

Idiot.

You fucking moron! Those guns won’t help when you’re a good samaritan! “What does being a good samaritan have to do with killing zombies?”

Idiot.

When you’re walking down the street, and see a dude hobbling towards you as if he looks like he got hit by a car, what’s your first reaction? “Oh my God! I must help him!”. So you rush over to help the “crash victim” ie: zombie and the son a ma bitch bites you! And now you’re a zombie.

Idiot.

If you were normal, ie: an asshole, you would have instinctively said “holy shit! That zombie got hit by a car!” and run away. Why do you think all the main characters in a zombie movie are asshole losers with no friends? These are the douche bags who help NO ONE and are now raiding your weapon and canned good stash as your stupid ass stumbles down the street.

Winner.

So the next time you feed the homeless or help a car accident victim, your first thought should ALWAYS be, “are they a zombie? And should I kill them?”

Not AT Christmas, per se. That would mean Christmas is a place. Christmas is not a place…YET.

No, there are lines for EVERYTHING DURING CHRISTMAS!!! If a place sells a good or service, there’s a gigantic line.

For example, I’m driving to my parents house thinking of Christmas, so I think “Oh, SANDWICH!” Those are two seperate thoughts, by the way. I was thinking of Christmas, and, then I thought of food. Two seperate thought processes.

So I stop at Ralphs to get some cheese for some bread my Mom made, and thought, “OH! SANDWICH!” because I figured I could use her bread to make a sandwich. No, the sandwich thought in the car was not related. I just thought of a sandwich in the car, but had no intention of having one.

Sometimes sandwich thoughts sooth my nerves.

What did I find in the store? A 30min line to check out. 5 lanes open too! That’s 3-4 more than usual at this Ralphs! Thankfully since I bought sliced meats, the person at the counter let me buy my stuff there, instead of waiting for Moses on one side of the Red Sea for it to part.

So anywho, I got my sandwich material, bent over and spread my ass cheeks really wide while I ran down the line and farted while yelling “SMELL MY CHRISTMAS CHEER, BITCHES!!!!”

The mortadella was delicious.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

That’s what some of our greatest musical minds pondered some 853 years ago. Newsflash dipshits, it is! You think Santa doesn’t visit Africa? This aint china! He aint afraid of no ghost!

Santa clause will fuck you up! The only reasonably accurate portrayal of the fatass was in futurama where he was a robotic killing machine! Even THEN they didn’t capture his true roboticness nor killingness machinerness!

In anycase, Santa is not a cook at a mesican restaurant. That’s Santo. He drives an impalla, so I can see how you could get confused.

Go together. They BELONG together. Like fat people and steaks, skinny people and hamburgers, or Chinese people and grilled cheese, IT-JUST-MAKES-SENSE!

No, shut up! Fat people and tiny dogs are normal. You used to go, “oh, how funny! A fat person and a tiny dog!”. But now you just go, “Oh, hey Greg.” BECAUSE ITS NORMAL!

If a fat dude was walking around with a saint bernard you’d wonder what’s wrong with him, and if he ate his steak today.

Well he didn’t!

Your prying eyes shamed him! Poor Greg poor Greg got no steak

Goddamn its cold out tonight.