Well hello out der in TV land! How are YOU doing today? Welcome back for July Peanut Butter Super Post of POWERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Part 2. Today we explore the female reproductive system, and why you need to start sticking stuff up your cha-cha so as to not offend other church goers.
Let’s begin.

Oh sweet baby Jesus on crack YES! I LOVE Peanut Butter cups. Who doesn’t? Nazi’s probably. No, I bet they do too, they can’t be THAT evil, can they? EVERYONE loves Peanut Butter cups! And if they SAY they don’t, they’re just lying. They want to be unique and special butterflies by shitting all over Peanut Butter cups but they are NOT!

Speaking of which, both Reeces Peanut Butter cups look like they were shit on. And you STILL want to eat them!

Anyways, how were they? AWESOME, that’s how! It’s hard to fuck up a Peanut Butter cup, it really is. It’s chocolate and Peanut Butter. It’s like bacon and eggs. Even bad bacon and eggs is still delicious. “But my eggs were runny and watery!” Well, they weren’t bacon and eggs now were they? Stupid.

The crunchy Peanut Butter didn’t add much to the equation. It just tasted like a Reece’s that had some crunch to it. The smooth Peanut Butter was much the same as the chunky, as it only added a thicker consistency. I know you might think I’m crazy for adding more Peanut Butter to…oh…you don’t think I’m crazy? Oh…ok….

On a side note, whenever I see a reeces I think of Kyle reese from terminator. Then I think if Brian Austin green because he was kyle’s brother on terminator the Sarah Conner chronicles. Then i think of steve from beverly hills 90210 and then I think of the peach pit and I get ANGRY because there’s no WAY that place could be so busy all the time! That is BULLSHIT man!!!!

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Smart Balance smooth Peanut Butter gets…

A chef running away from a glue stick.

Smart Balance chunky Peanut Butter gets…

A shocked pair of boxers.

With an overall score of…

My checkbook.

Thank you.

But wait, THERE’S MORE!

Today’s lunch was a bag of Snyder’s garlic bread pretzel bites. I got the garlic bread version because I thought, hey, I’ve eaten the buttermilk ranch version plenty of times before, I should try another kind.

WRONG ASSHOLE! Never, EVER try anything new. You’ll only be disappointed! The garlic bread version isn’t too tasty, it doesn’t have that awesome kick like the buttermilk ranch version does. Also, it doesn’t taste like garlic bread. ALSO, a short italian dude isn’t yelling “MAMA MIA!” when you open the bag, as I THOUGHT he would.

So how do you spruce up some crappy pretzel bits? By adding Peanut Butter, SILLY! How was it though? Meh. It tasted like pretzel, plus Peanut Butter, plus some spices. Not garlic bread, but just…spices. I guess like dried basil? I dunno. I was not impressed. That. That there, is what she said.

What about the smooth? Just tasted like a thick tasting pretzel. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I’m a very busy man, I have many other things to do, I can’t stand around here and just bullshit about pretzels while you fucking-

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Smart Balance creamy Peanut Butter gets…

W

Smart Balance chunky Peanut Butter gets…

T

With an overall score of…

F

Thank you.

I have a twitter!  Well, John and Unicorn do.  See, twitter is a magical place where all your dreams can come true.  Are you a social outcast?  Do you want to give a giant 140 character F-U to the entire world?  Are you a dork who thinks he’s funny and draws stick figure drawings, when in fact he’s better suited and built to pull a plow on a farm in an eastern European country for little money, but all the cabbage he can eat?  God I love cabbage.  What’s the point of all of this again?  Life I mean, not this paragraph. I know the point of this paragraph: Nothing.  But life?  Life has to mean something?  You can be a winner at the game of LIFE!  Spin the wheel I’m on my way!  Move my piece collect my pay!  You can be a winner at the game of life!  Shit man, I’m losing it.  Ok, time to go sleep.  Night night.

Crap!  Also, click the picture below to go to the John and Unicorn twitter!  I promise you it’s funny.  If you don’t think it’s funny, I PROMISE YOU NOTHING!

Hoooooo….

It’s Comic Con 2010 this week, but if you’re not attending the con, I’m bringing the con to YOU!  That’s right, two John and Unicorn comics is essentially the same experience as going to a convention center filled with 120,000 people.  Literally, the same thing.

So have a gander at the new comics, I promise I’ll catch up on the comic front.  Just be shocked when one day there’s 20 new comics online.  Ok I won’t do 20 at one time as you’ll get sick of it, but maybe…7?  I say 7…

Ah fuck you stay stay stay!!! PHEW!!!

So click the link below for the two new comics!  Remember you can click on the comic to go to the next one!  Have fun at space camp everybody!!!

And here are your top stories:

Ca’ah’laig: It smells like old pizza in my cubicle
Hervatski: I read
Hervatski: Let us begin.
Hervatski: Jacob’s kind of a douche, no?
Hervatski: He took esau’s birthright
Hervatski: Where exactly did they all live that Esau was close to death from hunger yet his dad had a shit ton of land and seed everywhere
Hervatski: Also God promised like 5 people that their descendant would number all the stars in the sky
Hervatski: That’s like 5 skys of stars!
Hervatski: Listen up heyah! Come buck naw!
Hervatski: Conversation time where are you!
Ca’ah’laig: I here
Ca’ah’laig: Esau didn’t care about being the first born and the responsibility of it
Ca’ah’laig: He wasn’t dying of hunger he just thought so little of his birthright that he was like fuck, I’d rather have some red, red stew
Hervatski: Wtf
Hervatski: Serious?
Hervatski: The radio edit of dmx “up in here” is the sweetest thing ever
Hervatski: He cussed every 3rd word and they edit each one out with a different sound effect
Hervatski: In some parts it’s just a cavalcade of sound effects
Hervatski: Dude notice a pattern in the bible?
Hervatski: At th beginning of a diludes story it’s about him having one wife and doing crap
Hervatski: Then it devolved to just all these chicks he’s having sex with
Hervatski: Issac had this epic story and then just him having sex with 80 handmaiden
Hervatski: How do boogers solidify so fast from snot?

How?

Everything’s sort of been put on hold for the last month or two while I get ready for San Diego Comic Con.  What is San Diego Comic Con you ask?  Well, the below link should help you out in that regard:

Comic Con

But that’s neither here nor there, nor is it under the couch, next to 2 skittles and 4 cheetos.  I love cheetos.

To make up for my lack of Peanut Butter posting, I figure I’d post a bigger Peanut Butter post today.  It won’t be as elaborate or creative as previous ones, nor will it be funny, also as always it will NOT be informative or make any sort of sense unless you’re tripping balls on paint thinner.  Not the cheap paint thinner from home depot either, I’m talking the dunn edwards brand name shit, SON!

Don’t do drugs.

Today’s format will have 4 pictures total for each Peanut Butter.  The establishing shot, the grades, then the nut shot.  So let’s begin!

First up we got…

CHEESE!  Medium cheddar cheese that is.  I love cheese, everyone knows this.  And if they don’t, they know it now.  Cheese is just a perfect food.  It’s salty, creamy, and delicious.  That’s what she said.  It goes with anything, and just makes EVERYTHING better.  That’s the thing, it makes OTHER things better.   You can’t add things TO cheese, and make the cheese better.  That’s like adding laser eyes to Santa Claus.  It’s no longer santa, it’s now the thing in my dreams that chases me through JCPenny.

Overall, it was GOOD, but it was good in it’s components.  Together they didn’t really help one another out.  Each one helps out the food they’re on, but in this case, their powers combined and they became worthless, like captain planet.  The smart balance Peanut Butter is actually pretty good, though.  I’m pleasantly surprised that something that’s supposed to take a typically fattening food and make it not so fattening, is pretty good.  Would I buy this over Jiff?  Possibly.  Depends if I’m on a healthy food kick but still want to slather Peanut Butter on my bacon.  And the cheese?  Well, I don’t want to BRAG, but it’s TILLAMUCK!  Tillamuk?  Tillamook.

Onto the judging!

Smart Balance smooth Peanut Butter gets…

Superman riding a bicycle.

Smart Balance chunky Peanut Butter gets…

A tree farting.

With an overall score of…

Your mom.

Thank you.

Well hello again!  Onto Peanut Butter numero dos, eh?

What do we have up now?

Mmm…I like nothing more after a long day of work than some tomatoes and Peanut Butter, right ladies?

I love tomatoes, I really do.  Ever since I was a kid, they’ve fascinated me and educated me on the importance of color in many beautiful salads.  Also, they taste good with salt.  So I sat here thinking “Hey, I’m having a bowl of tomatoes for dinner, why not add some Peanut Butter to it?”  Yes.  A bowl of tomatoes was my dinner.  I came home late, and all I had were tomatoes.  So what?  Who are YOU to judge!  I see you picking your nose in your car, DIRTY!

FYI: I pick my nose CONSTANTLY in the car.  It’s as if the windows are only one way, and yet…they are not.

So how were they?  Not good.  The tomatoes weren’t good at all.  You can’t have tomatoes and Peanut Butter without good tomatoes.  These had tough skins and were a bit sour, just a little bit.  Together they were OK, but I’m not paying 2 bucks for tomatoes for JUST ok.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Grape tomatoes with Smart Balance smooth Peanut Butter gets…

A glass of orange juice.

Grape Tomatoes with Smart Balance chunky Peanut Butter gets…

A flower growing out of a shoe.

With an overall score of…

A turtle surfing.

Thank you.

Bible study was supposed to go on a somewhat constant basis.  IE: we study bible, I post it here.  But things don’t work out the way you want it.  One time I tried to make a Doritos casserole by smashing some Doritos in a bowl and adding milk, but I just ended up making cheese cereal

Let us begin!

Calig:  did u read today?
Hervatski: Not yet did you?
Hervatski: yea
Hervatski: Lemme read
Hervatski: Me done reading
Hervatski: You there?
Calig: ya
Hervatski: Let us discuss
Calig: gimme some minutes
Hervatski: So Abraham was supposed to find 10 good people in soddom and gamorah?
Hervatski: Spake unto me!
Calig: I don’t think Abraham had to
Calig: I think he just was asking god not to kill everyone bc lot was three
Calig: there
Hervatski: Hmmm
Hervatski: And did Sarah have a kid with someone else?
Hervatski: Also Abraham had concumbines?
Calig: Abraham had a kid with sarah’s servant bc Sarah was barren
Calig: but then god blessed her and she had a kid
Calig: but basically, the servant got all bitchy towards Sarah bc she had Ishmael. and Sarah jacked her up so the servant, Hagar, ran away
Calig: then the comic Hagar the horrible was made. and god saw that it was crappy.
Calig: my favorite part was when Lot says, fuck my daughters, but touch not these strange men who say they are gods messengers. rape! rape, I say!
Calig: oh and when Abraham made everyone shave their dicks.
Hervatski: Wait lot gave his daughters up to the angry mobs? So that the angry mobs wouldn’t beat up the angels?
Calig: he offered but they wanted the Angels. then they yanked Lot back inside and nonone got raped.
Calig: I have such bad gas. not smelly but abundant and blushing
Calig: lol. not blushing. bloating
Calig: it’s all vegetable matter!
Hervatski: Wait it’s still bible time
Hervatski: Wait so the angels are like “hey who’s at the door?” and lot stumbles out and without anyone saying anything he goes
Hervatski: “do not rape the angels!!! Rape my daughters!!!” and then the angels grab him three stooges style and pull him in the door in a “whatsamatta with yooouuuuu” sorta way?
Calig: pretty much
Calig: then I *think* Lot and his family are magically transported out of the city
Hervatski: I got that bit
Hervatski: Why did lot think humans could rape the angels?
Calig: then gods like don’t turn around and look at Sodom, imma bout to do some crazy shot
Calig: shit
Calig: and lots wife does it anyway and now she’s a salt lick for the deer
Hervatski: Poor deer
Hervatski: So it was like Indiana jones level shit
Calig: I think they wanted to kill the angels?
Hervatski: But instead of an Asian man melting a Jewish lady turned to salt
Hervatski: How would humans kill teleporting angels!?!?
Calig: um…with syphilis?
Hervatski: Helmet was right. Evil will win, because good is dumb
Hervatski: I like how the bible talks like us
Hervatski: Let me find a passage
Calig: oh. the sodomites did want to bone the angels. my bad
Calig: I just didn’t think a whole city would form a “fresh meat” mob
Calig: I’m gonna use the word “behold” to start almost every sentence from Now on
Hervatski: You should. They just talk like, “and so Abraham went away.” “and so the Lord said ok and he go home now”. “lo Issac found his tent and he went in his tent and he fell asleep in his tent.”
Hervatski: It’s like a 5 year old is telling this story
Hervatski: I love this line “and Abram fell on his face”
Calig: lol. behold, it’s true!
Calig: lololol
Hervatski: WHILE GOD WAS TALKING
Calig: stupid abram
Calig: hahahahha
Hervatski: “my son I’ve come to…” *SLAM!!!*
Calig: “abram! you’re such a ham! hey…!” said god
Calig: behold, Abraham is a prat
Calig: from the living translation: all the men of Sodom, young and old, came from all over the city and surrounded the house. 5They shouted to Lot, “Where are the men who came to spend the night with you? Bring them out to us so we can have sex with them!”
Hervatski: “behold th Lord did rename he Sarah, for he could not pronounce he name”
Calig: “hey John! who’s your friend there? bring him out so we can ass fuck him!”
Hervatski: Hahaha
Calig: Sodom got no game
Ca’ah’laig: you like my new name?
Hervatski: “behold the Lord burned Sodom to the ground for the only way to destroy a city or rapists is with fire”
Hervatski: New name is awesome
Ca’ah’laig: whoever just got on the bus smells like they are made entirely of marijuana
Hervatski: Behold the Lord of pot
Ca’ah’laig: burn him, burn him but good
Hervatski: This bible conversation has ended!!!!
Ca’ah’laig: my buttons hurt
Hervatski: Wat?

Wat?

I know it’s harsh, but it needs to be said.  I.  ADMIN.  am a turd burglar.  I’ve neglected the Peanut Butter posts.  That’s like neglecting a cute child, or a really fat child, but, he’s so fat he’s cute.   You just don’t do that!!!  Unless the fat kid smells, then, fuck em.

Hell, I had a June Peanut Butter post all ready too.  Well, I had a few pictures, but eh, who cares.  The trader joe’s Peanut Butter sucked anyways.  Seriously, it was pretty dry and bland.  Don’t listen to those hippies, they might know how to make some good frozen food, but they do NOT know how to make good Peanut Butter.  Only Laura Scudders and Jiff know how to make good Peanut Butter so far.  OH MY GOSH imagine if they became boyfriend/girlfriend and started dating!!! oooooOOOOOOoooo!!!!  I bet you they’d have such cute babies!  They’d have cute babies even though they’re only boyfriend and girlfriend because Peanut Butter are WHORES!

So what do we have here this month?

It’s July!  Look at those fireworks!  Aw, and it’s red white and blue!  But the suspense is giving me diarrhea!  What’s inside!?!?!?  I bet you it’s chocolate Jiff!  OOOOO do they make that!?  I bet you it’s something super cool, like, cashew butter!  Or almond butter!  Oh man, almond butter is so good!  No no no!  I bet you it’s just a giant bag of Peanut Butter M&M’s!  I swear if it was I’d diarrhea all over the place!

*DRUM ROLL*

DRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUMDRUM

The FUCK is this horse shit!?!?!  Smart balance!?  33% less sodium!?  The hell man!  What the fuck!  The past few months sucked balls!  Jesus, I promise you JESUS if I ever get to pick my own Peanut Butter, I’m just getting a giant jar of Jiff, and stuffing it full with crispy bacon and cheddar cheese and then I’m going to sit on it!  I’m going to sit on it and hatch new Peanut Butter cheddar bacon babies!  I’M SO MAD I COULD DIARRHEA RIGHT NOW!!!!

So I said every Tuesday was Bible day.  Ok I lied.  It’s probably against the Bible to lie, but who cares.  Have YOU read the bible?  No?  Oh, because I’m reading the Bible…

The Bible is magical. It’s full of awesome stories that if you just READ THE FUCKING THING you’ll understand that a lot of what people base their actions on, is some WEIRD shit.  The Jesus stuff?  Awesome.  Good messages and everything.  Love your fellow human, don’t be a dick, do good things, etc.  Nice messages.  The old testament?  Fuuuuuck…

FUUUUUCK.  No literally, FUCK everyone’s FUCKING in the whole thing!  When they’re not telling you 800 names of people who lived 6000 years ago, they’re telling you that people had sex, whether they wanted it or God told them to want it.  You’ll see more of that in our next discussion though.  Today’s deals mainly with Noah, and all the crazy mixed up shit he went through.   Today’s transcript is kind of short, but that’s ok.  Also, sometimes when I update this stuff, it won’t be consistent.  So don’t get mad if I skip Deuteronomy .

Calig: I read today’s reading
Hervatski: Battery is going low let’s talk a bit
Hervatski: Why did God hate caanan?
Calig: where’s it say that?
Calig: oh right
Calig: no Noah cursed him
Calig: because canaan’s dad Ham saw Noah naked
Calig: I’m not sure why that was Ham’s fault tho
Hervatski: But ham went an got a cloak for him?
Calig: no. the other brothers did
Calig: Shem and Japheth
Hervatski: I think Noah was senile
Calig: some sites are saying that ham basically laughed at Noah being naked thus dishonoring him
Calig: instead of covering him he went and told his brothers
Hervatski: Noahs got a stick up his naked butt
Hervatski: Ohhhh
Calig: but WTF. Noah got drunk. his fault!
Hervatski: Man what a tattletales
Calig: what about the blood eating part
Hervatski: I don’t like how they just name people constantly
Calig: I had to google that too
Hervatski: People constantly
Calig: oh yeah. I hate the begatting
Hervatski: What blood part?
Calig: and Nan begat g’r'ep’na’0
Calig: 9:4
Hervatski: God keeps spaking on people
Calig: “but flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat”
Hervatski: I guess don’t eat blood?
Calig: basically, don’t be a fucking caveman and go around snapping necks and eating raw animals and drinking blood
Calig: bc you’ll not have respect for life
Hervatski: That’s strange because blood has lots of iron and stuff that’s good for you
Hervatski: So he said to cook stuff well done. I knew t!
Hervatski: I knew it too! I know of t as well
Calig: it’s interpreted more as don’t be cruel
Calig: blood is a sacrifice not a meal
Hervatski: That’s some deep shit man
Calig: cause if you’re mean and hate animals then you’re more likely to harm man
Calig: like kids who kill cats
Calig: that’s deep. yeah. I should post that shit on facebook.
Hervatski: I’m done for today.
Calig: done what?
Hervatski: The discussion
Calig: is that how you end all conversations?
Calig: “I’m done”
Hervatski: Sometimes

SOMETIMES!!!

Sorry for the long delay.  The last comic I updated was on June 8th.  It’s June 29th!  I owe you guys about 15 more comics!  I’ve been inundated with stuff for comic-con, so I haven’t been able to update the site as much.  Don’t cry for me, Argentina.  But you Brazil…you better fucking get a TISSUE!!!!

So click the below image to get to the start of the two new beautiful comics!  And remember kids: only you can prevent crotch fires.

No now click THIS one!

Also don’t forget to follow John and Unicorn on twitter!!!  “How do I do that, John?” “I HAVE NO CLUE MAN!  I’d start with clicking the image below.”

TA DAAA!!!!

Yesterday began internet bible study. It’s where I read the bible with Calig and then we discuss the stories we read. This time we read about how God created life, told them not to eat some food, they ate the food, and now God got mad. But God kept hanging around with them, it was strange. And then Cain killed his brother and God was mad again. And then there were some sort of giants, but they went away. I think they were dinosaurs, but whatever. And then God made Noah who was just this really nice guy and then…that’s the end of the assignment so far. Tune in next week to find out what happens to Noah! Below is a snippet of our online conversation regarding Genesis Chapter 1:1 through chapter 6:8.

Hervatski: I read today’s selection
Calig: I am going to as soon as IT guy foes away and quits bothering me
Calig: then we can discuss
Calig: ok. done.
Calig: what are the waters above the firmament,
Calig: ?
Hervatski: Clouds probably
Hervatski: What’s a firmament?
Calig: heavn
Hervatski: So clouds above heaven?
Calig: I think that water was sent out into the universe
Hervatski: Wat?
Calig: meaning life on other planets is possible.
Calig: there are no clouds ABOVE heaven
Hervatski: Go said make the firmament. And divided the waters above and below it?
Calig: yeah.
Hervatski: Maybe the aurora borealis?
Calig: it’s space water
Calig: also, I’d like to hear more about these giants
Hervatski: Space jam!
Hervatski: I think the giants were dinosaurs
Calig: And on the second day, god created space jam
Calig: and then there were giants
Calig: and then Noah
Calig: the end

THE END!