Lumberjack Express

So rounding my apartment complex…er…4 plex? 6 plex? The place I live, you come upon a giant bird feeder. It’s not so giant, but about 10 birds fly suddenly away when you walk down the pathway. I kept wondering who the fuck keeps feeding the birds. I mean, these aren’t inside birds. You can’t call to your parakeet and have it fly to you. These are wild things. You come within 10 feet and they fly the fuck away. So why even have a bird feeder? So you can stare at the birds from far away? That’s why they have the internet!

Anywho, I kept wondering who lived there, till I came home one day and saw a somewhat mean looking old dude with a scraggly beard enter the apartment. Either he was breaking in with his own set of keys, or he lived there. Either way, the guy looked scary. Like the shovel dude from home alone, but with darker hair, and in Huntington Beach. The guy kinda scared me, but I think I can make friends with him.

Next door is slammy mc slammerstein. This chick only knows one way to shut a door: by slamming the FUCK out of it. I’ve never heard her come home and close the door. The thing is, all the doors in this place close with the gentlest of ease. There’s NO resistence in any of the doors. And yet, this chick has made it her life goal to completely obliterate the door.

Below is an accurate portrayal as to how this chick comes home every day:

Hippie aging neighbors, bird man, and slammy mc slammerstein.  That’s 3 of em.  The other dude is fine…for now…

I want to be a rap star. Those guys are freaking cool. A lot of their songs start with them shouting their own name. I try doing that and I look like a moron who’s full of himself. But a rapper shouts their name to a beat, and they get a million dollar contract.

That’s where the similarities end. When I say similarities, I mean, nothing similar what so ever. Let’s break it down.

Successful rapper: Gets chicks left and right.
John: Doesn’t get hit on at a gay bar.

Successful rapper: Drives a tricked out hummer.
John: Drives a hyundai sonata where he paid extra to get alloy wheels.

Successful rapper: Lives in a mansion in beverly hills.
John: Lives in a tiny apartment in Huntington Beach with some ghosts.

Successful rapper: Eats at fine restaurants with the choicest drink.
John: Eats a plate of refried beans with grilled onions on top SO GOOD!

Successful rapper: Probably has a 6 pack and super cool muscles.
John: Get’s winded singing the 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-tweeleeellllve song from Sesasme Street.

Successful rapper: Meets celebrities at the nicest clubs in LA.
John: Forgot where burger king was, so cries to himself in a Pic-n-save parking lot.

Successful rapper: Lives on the moon in a gold space ship with hands that shoots lasers.
John: Kept spelling it “raper” and then forgot what an actual “rapper” is.

Or…wait…what is the month of March?

COME ON COME ON WHATS IN THE BOX THE BOX!  WHAT IS THE MONTH OF MARCH!!!!!

Also, my sister drew Easter eggs on the March paper…not sure why?

WHATS IN THE FUCKING BOX!?!?!?!

MARCH IS THE MONTH OF DARK CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER!!! WHUUUUUUT!!!

Man, March is gonna be full of chocolate and me not pooping.  Peanut Butter makes me not poop.  Chocolate too for some reason.  The combination should pretty much shut down my bowels for a good 3 months.

So enjoy the first posts for March!

“John, it’s March 1st today, how did you have 5 different posts about dark chocolate Peanut Butter already?”

Uhm…

*breathes in real deep*

*holds breath*

FUCK YOU!

STRAWBERRY YOGURT RULES ALL!!!!!!

IT SITS ON THE FACE OF THE COMPETITION!

Or…that’s more like the jar’s thigh…same shit.  Shit I have dishes to do.

So you must be thinking, “John, fuck, what’s next, blueberry yogurt like last month?”

NO!

…I used up all the blueberry yogurt

I love everything with strawberry yogurt.  Don’t believe me?  Fine fuck you don’t believe me!  It goes with EVERYTHING!  Maybe not fried rice…

Mmmm…looks yummy doesn’t it?

YOU’RE WRONG!

It was AWESOME!  SO FUCKING GOOD!  NO JOKE!  I don’t know what it was, but the two flavors mixed PERFECTLY.  It tasted so refreshing, so decadent, so good!  A great mix of chocolate and strawberry mmmmm so good.

PBC wasn’t as good as the Maranatha version.  It didn’t mix too well, like an old racist at a WalMart or something.  I’m so tired right now I can’t put this shit together, ok?  Anywho, it was still…good…just not pants dropping great.

So there you go.  That’s the basics filled.  Yogurt, nutrigrain bars.  What will this next week hold?  If you said banana’s, you’re correct :/

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A hot fudge sundae.

Peanut Butter & Co. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

Hot Sundae singing their hit song.

With an overall score of…

Cupid flying by some clouds.

Thank you.

EATING PEACH YOGURT!

“Yogurt you are drunk AGAIN!”
“Please John, lemme just rest a second”
“OMG A TALKING YOGURT!!!”

I wasn’t going to put more Peanut Butter in yogurt, but it’s fucking chocolate Peanut Butter!  You gotta!  Let’s begin, shall we?

“NO WE SHALL NOT!”
“How come?”
“We have unfinished business!”
“WHO IS THIS!?”
“IT’S YOUR CONSCIOUS JOHN!  REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID THIS MORNING!?”
“Take two shits?”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“Good…”
“Gooooood…”
“Ah relief.”
“LETS GET SOME TACOS JOHN!”
“I LOVE YOU CONSCIOUS!!!!”

Here’s Maranatha in peach yogurt.  I like how the chocolate is all folded over like a comb over on a pudgy bald guy awwww he so pudgy…

This tasted mostly like yogurt.  You couldn’t taste the chocolate Peanut Butter at all.  Don’t know why.  Ah well, maybe I didn’t have the right mixture?

YES it looks like a tiny person took a tiny dump into the yogurt, but you know what else?

RECESS PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!  That’s what Peanut Butter & Co. tastes like!  It tastes exactly like Recess Peanut Butter cups!!!!  DAMNIT that took awhile to figure out!!!

Anywho, this tasted delicious once I figured out what it tasted like.  I got a jar full of Recess Peanut Butter cups!

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

David Blaine making a cheeseburger disappear.

Peanut Butter & Co. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A camel about to be sat on by Hurley from Lost.

With an overall score of…

The Moon and the Sun sitting around bullshitting.

Thank you.

Never knew what that meant.

O…k…still don’t know what that means…

PEEK A BOO!!!!

OHHH hehehe!  I GET IT NOW EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AY GET OFF OF HIM!  What’s the matter with you he’s your brother!!!!

Ah, the triple crown of the nutrigrain bars, apple.  I really like apple.  I really like apple pie.  I REALLY like bacon.  This does not have bacon.  I wish it did.  Bacon is awesome, it’s salty, it’s greasy, it’s delicious.  You can add it to anything, and it’s great.  Not this bacon wrapped hot dog or bacon wrapped steak shit.  Listen, bacon wrapped around shit doesn’t make it great.  Only fully fried bacon PLACED on top of shit makes stuff delicious!  OMG I just noticed I don’t eat a lot at restaurants anymore, SCORE JOHN!

I love the way Maranatha spreads.  You can probably add this shit to some crepes and it’d be good.  Though, if you’re doing that just use nutella.  Maranatha doesn’t have a big Peanut Butter taste.  I think it uses an all natural Peanut Butter hence the lack of flavor.  Imagine if JIF had a chocolate brand?  OMG I WOULD DIE!  Or eat it.  I’d eat it, or die.  That’s really the only two options you have at any moment.  “I’m either going to take a shit, or die.” “I’m either going to shake this person’s hand, or die.” Really, you only have two options in life.  3 if bacon is involved.

Though the Maranatha usually doesn’t have much flavor, it was DELICIOUS with the apple nutrigrain bar.  I think so far all the all natural Peanut Butters were great with the apple nutrigrain bars.  Which asks the question, “Does my butt look big in this dress?”  Anywho, the spice from the apple goes great with Maranatha.

PBC and apple nutrigrain bar tasted like golden grams.  Each individual taste looses itself when paired with the other too.  Maranatha was better, as the scoring will indicate.  I love golden grams though, I like it like my women: soggy.

Maranatha dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A turtle at a disco

Peanut Butter and CO. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

An opera singer tripping a little kid.

With an overall score of…

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