Man, that actually works!

So it’s August.  And before long, it will be Halloween.  And shortly after, Christmas.  And then a long time happens, and then it’s Halloween.  But before that, it’s Arbor Day.  And somewhere in there, is my birthday!!!

I love cake so much I headbutt it!!!!

Anywho, we’re not talking about my birthday here, we’re talking about…PEANUT BUTTER!

It’s a new unveiling!  What will it be this month?  Last month’s was pretty good.  I didn’t think smart balance would be too good.  Healthy crap usually isn’t.  But it was really good!  Well, pretty good, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, you’re high with CAKE!

So what will it be?  LET US BEGIN!!!

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!

OH F’ING SWEET!  I haven’t eaten Peter Pan Peanut Butter in a LONG time!  I didn’t even know it existed anymore!!!  I thought that when perfect strangers went off the air, they took all the Peanut Butter off the shelves?  Or was it E-Coli?  Remember this commercial!?!?!

Embedding is turned off on it, but this was a staple in my childhood commercial jingle life:

HERE’S ANOTHER PEANUT BUTTER COMMERCIAL I REMEMBER CLICK BABY CLICK BABY 1-2!!!

No one else remembers this Peanut Butter?  Well, F YOU TOO!  I love this crap.  Love it

I’m pretty sure I haven’t had a normal poop since January 1st

Everytime I see “5th” I think of Dave Chappele going “AH PLEED THE FIFF!” and then hitting the table  in front of him.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?

This is what I’m talking about.

^Click^Click^Click^Click^Click^Click^Click^Click^

Yeah…you don’t know what I’m talking about…

So what was Moses talking about though?

Hervatski: Let us talk about the bible now!
Hervatski: Are you there?
Hervatski: Your new phone angers me. I shall call a pestilence upon it and hearden it’s heart. I shall then crash it’s operating systems so that the children of israel shall know my name
Hervatski: So says the Lord your John
Hervatski: Raise the drawbridge and sound the calig horn! Let her be called from the farthest reaches of goshen!!!!
Hervatski: *toot* *toot*
Ca’ah’laig: soorry. i washnt paying attention to m
Ca’ah’laig: to my phone
Ca’ah’laig: ive got such bad reflux right now
Ca’ah’laig: i’d suck a cows teat dry
Hervatski: Interesting.
Hervatski: So let’s talk about Moses until he gets outta Egypt
Hervatski: It’s another example of God being a douche
Hervatski: I bet the pharoah was sitting around going “you know what? Them Jews are alllllright. I’m gonna give them their freedom because fuck, thanks for the pyramids, guys”
Hervatski: And then God kept hardening his heart so he wouldn’t let them go
Hervatski: His magicians and advisors were all like “dude Ramses you said you let them go” and he was like “no I know, right? I keep wanting to but all of a sudden it’s like I get so ANGRY!” and his advisors are all like
Hervatski: “dude, chill bro”
Hervatski: Pay attention to your phone!
Hervatski: *toot* *toot*
Ca’ah’laig: i was confused but then i think i got it
Hervatski: Got what
Ca’ah’laig: i think if the pharoah let them go the first time
Ca’ah’laig: later he’d be like aww shit i need sojmeone to mow my lawn
Ca’ah’laig: get back here ya jews!
Hervatski: But he let them go over a period of a couple weeks.
Ca’ah’laig: so god made him harden his heart
Hervatski: He kept wanting to let them go but God was being a mega douche
Ca’ah’laig: so that by the end he’d be like if i ever see a ujew again ill killb mhself
Ca’ah’laig: i hate this keyboard
Ca’ah’laig: it sahys it s9omewhere in there tht god wanhtedc the 0har9oah to realoly
Hervatski: “ay ujew?” “yeah ijew”
Ca’ah’laig: oh fuck this
Hervatski: Type slower!
Ca’ah’laig: no
Hervatski: See? You’re doing great
Ca’ah’laig: so god wanted the pharoaah to chuck them out
Hervatski: I think the movie left out the part where God kept forcing the pharoh to be a dick
Ca’ah’laig: not just let them go
Ca’ah’laig: what i dont get is why god killed the 3egyptians
Ca’ah’laig: the jews are free now so whats the point?
Ca’ah’laig: peradventure the egyptians changed their minds again?
Hervatski: Wait I got to the point where the Jews are leaving
Hervatski: Like the first born were killed and pharohs all like seriously fucking Jews man, you guys can go already
Ca’ah’laig: yeah but you know about the red sea
Ca’ah’laig: thats not a spoiler
Hervatski: Oh yeah. Well if thy didn’t close the sea over them they’d keep chasin the Jews
Hervatski: Like a wacky Benny hill bit
Hervatski: The Benny hill theme is the ringtone on my phone I use for my alarm in the morning
Hervatski: Every morning is zany!
Ca’ah’laig: ha! i love it with my oheart
Hervatski: So moses’s's’s's brother hasn’t done jack yet has he
Ca’ah’laig: im not sure what he does
Ca’ah’laig: moses kept trying to get out of being the leader
Ca’ah’laig: he was like oh they wont believe me
Ca’ah’laig: and god was like here have a stick that turns into a snake
Ca’ah’laig: and mo was all yeah but im not much of a public speaker
Ca’ah’laig: so i think aaron was the talker?
Ca’ah’laig: maybe?
Hervatski: Hmmm
Ca’ah’laig: google that shit
Hervatski: How did the egyptians staffs become snakes?
Ca’ah’laig: they were jmagicians
Hervatski: That makes no sense
Hervatski: In the bible there’s no magicians!

*POOF!*

Copyright me, damnit.

Another Wednesday is upon us.  Let us reflect on what has happened in the world since then:

I added garlic to some soup I ate.
I saw inception
I slept a bunch
I cut one toe nail too short and now it hurts

At’s about it.  What happened with you in the past week?  ANNNYYYWAYS, here’s 3 more John and Unicorn comics!  I know we all patiently wait for this day to come around, I know I do.  I also patiently wait for the ice cream man…but he never comes…he never comes…might have something to do with me running into the side of the van screaming CHOCO TACO CHOCO TACO POR FAVOR SENIOR CHOCO TACO!!!….he never comes…

Enjoy the comics!  Click the image below to go to the first of the newest three!

Have you missed me?  I’ve missed you.  Bible’s missed you too.  Shall we talk about the Bible?  Lettuce talk about the Bible…

Hervatski: Lettuce talk about the genesis of the bible?
Ca’ah’laig: I’m going to lunch soon
Hervatski: Lettuce talk quick!
Ca’ah’laig: what would you like to discuss?
Hervatski: I dunno. Hrm.
Hervatski: It kind of ended on a happy note
Ca’ah’laig: you begin since I’m passed it and focused on Leviticus
Hervatski: Also ancient times really loved their slaves man
Hervatski: Everyone was happy as shit to give away people as slaves
Hervatski: Joseph didn’t object to his brothers selling him to slavery?
Ca’ah’laig: ooh the technicolor dream coat!
Hervatski: How the hell does that work?
Ca’ah’laig: let’s talk about that!
Hervatski: Val Kilmer!!!
Hervatski: Val Kilmers so fat now a days
Hervatski: Batman can’t stop eating
Ca’ah’laig: what if batman wore a technicolor dream cape?
Hervatski: John put a picture of fat Val kilmer here

Ca’ah’laig: he’d get laughed out of Hollywood
Hervatski: Sorry that’s a note for when I post this stuff
Hervatski: John go number two before your jog tonight
Ca’ah’laig: sometimes I forget about Gotham city and think batman lives behind the Hollywood sign
Hervatski: That note is all calig
Hervatski: Why would he live there?
Ca’ah’laig: I don’t know. he’s lonely and likes to spy on tourists?
Ca’ah’laig: let’s get back to Joseph and his prison visions
Hervatski: I imagine the prison to look like the prison innnn
Ca’ah’laig: I like when the starving kine eat the fat kine
Hervatski: What movie am I thinking of damnit
Ca’ah’laig: man in the iron mask?
Hervatski: Princess bride I think
Hervatski: Anywho how did they sell Joseph whithout him saying shit?
Hervatski: “Joseph go with these guys, they’re nice”
Ca’ah’laig: how’s he gonna say anything?
Hervatski: “duuuhhhh ok boss I go wit dees guys duuuuhhhh”
Ca’ah’laig: he had a shitload of brothers. was he supposed to karate chop them all?
Ca’ah’laig: oh shit, man! the window washer is coming!
Ca’ah’laig: I can hear his squeegee!
Hervatski: He can atleast say “I object to this. Ah say ah say ah ubject suh!”
Ca’ah’laig: he’ll be right next to me soon!
Ca’ah’laig: “I vish to vipe and vash your vindows!”
Hervatski: What floor are you on? 12? 17?
Ca’ah’laig: 3
Hervatski: Damn your eyes
Ca’ah’laig: this is California, not the moon!
Hervatski: The moon doesn’t have windows to wash stupid!
Hervatski: It’s all underground!
Ca’ah’laig: um what else about genesis
Hervatski: Joseph is all too happy to set up a situation where he sells his entire race to the Egyptians
Ca’ah’laig: I guess it was kinda boring after the flood
Hervatski: No listen
Ca’ah’laig: it was just repopulating and slave trading
Hervatski: He’s pissed that his shitty brothers sold him to slavery
Ca’ah’laig: no, no he brought his people into Egypt bc of the famine he forsaw
Hervatski: So he goes to the pharoh and is all “check it bleed, we gotta stock up on food son! So when these broke ass bitches start dying you can straight up BUY them!”
Ca’ah’laig: if he didn’t bring them UNTO Egypt they’d have died
Hervatski: And pharohs like “ah hell naw! That’s tight!!!”
Hervatski: Why didn’t he take his ass TO his people and say “hey plant more there’s a famine a comin”
Ca’ah’laig: plus he stuck them out of the way in goshen, which I’m pretty sure is in new jersey
Ca’ah’laig: bc they didn’t live by a fucking river, asshole!
Hervatski: I think goshen is a character from dragonball z
Hervatski: John insert picture of a cosplayer

Ca’ah’laig: everytime they found a measly well they got so excited they named it Bathsheeba or some shot
Ca’ah’laig: shit
Hervatski: Well how the fuck did they grow food before the famine!
Ca’ah’laig: manna!
Ca’ah’laig: well they couldn’t grow a surplus that’s for sure
Hervatski: Really, were they literally living in the desert?
Hervatski: Does Egypt have grass?
Ca’ah’laig: I dunno. but fuck it, they came willingly
Hervatski: And trees and stuff?
Ca’ah’laig: let’s look online
Hervatski: The point is this: Joseph holds a huuuuuge grudge
Ca’ah’laig: oh yeah they got that fertile Nile valley
Hervatski: It’s like someone cutting infront of you in line at Jack in the box, so you shit in his 99cent tacos
Ca’ah’laig: they fucking threw him in a pit, stole his super coat and then sold him!
Ca’ah’laig: I’d be pissed too!
Ca’ah’laig: but you’re still wrong. he did it to help them not enslave them
Hervatski: Yeah well shit in your brothers tacos. Don’t shit in EVERYONES tacos!
Hervatski: He should have helped them fight the Egyptians. Jews vs. Egyptians an epic battle of coats!
Ca’ah’laig: it was only after the pharoh died that the new one was like ffuck YOU!
Hervatski: Spoilers!!!!
Hervatski: I haven’t read past genesis!
Ca’ah’laig: oh yea
Hervatski: Phil Collins is so cool. He was born balding yet still probably gets those sexy middle aged chicks who like slightly kinky shit and they drink seagrams wine coolers
Ca’ah’laig: I was just about to start a rant about Moses too
Ca’ah’laig: fuck no!
Ca’ah’laig: Phil Collins make me vomit in my mouth
Hervatski: I can see it calllling in the air at night. Oh noooooo
Ca’ah’laig: like he’s an ok singer and shit, but when he sings about anything remotely connected to sex I get sick
Hervatski: Remotely? Susudeo was about rampant butt sex!!!!
Ca’ah’laig: ok I’m going to lunch.
Ca’ah’laig: fuck you and fuck Phil Collins!
Hervatski: Nooooo!!!!!
Hervatski: The Miami vice theme song was one long blow job
Hervatski: Wait!
Hervatski:
Ca’ah’laig: so true.

SO true.

July was a hectic month.  From going to Comic Con to sleeping in, all the way to sleeping in again, there was just too much shit to do in one month.  That’s why the Peanut Butter posts slowed to a crawl.  I would say I’m sorry for this, but my consisten bowel movements are frightened by the prospect of constantly updated Peanut Butter posts.

So let’s begin huh?  Let’s send the smart balance Peanut Butter home (my tummy) with a bang (a large and in charge caca)

Alright!  We got our participants in line.  What are we going to test tonight?  Squash?  Maybe we’re going to see if Smart Balance Peanut Butter goes well on Cuban food?  How about we keep it simple and just add it to some bread, and see where that goes?  I haven’t had a simple testing of the Peanut Butter in awhile.  Wheat bread would-

You don’t get it, do you?  I do…

YEYYYY!  Let’s see how each Peanut Butter tastes on the other Peanut Butter!

First up we have chunky Smart Balance Peanut Butter on smooth Smart Balance Peanut Butter.   Smart Balance is a good Peanut Butter, but the inclusion of chunky to the smooth made the whole thing chunky.  I didn’t enjoy the inclusion of peanuts in the whole thing.  The texture of the meal drastically changed and it became hard to eat.  It was pretty delicious, but the whole experience was just lacking.

Once again, the combination was all off.  The smooth Peanut Butter just took away the texture of the chunky.  The amount of peanuts was now lacking and the taste was just all off.  I did enjoy it, but would I try this mixture again?  Probably not.  I’m sure this mixture would be good in soups, but I don’t think it would go as well as chunky on smooth on some burgers.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Chunky Smart Balance Peanut Butter on top of Creamy Smart Balance Peanut Butter gets…

The moon pooping saturn.

Creamy Smart Balance Peanut Butter on top of Chunky Smart Balance Peanut Butter gets…

A guy juggling pancakes.

With an overall score of…

Stinky socks.

Thank you.

Am I the only person on planet Earth that says “Wed-nes-day?”  I can’t say “Wednesday” in my head.  It’s always “Wed-nes-day.”  And it takes FOREVER to say in my noggin!

Anywho, this week there’s 3 comics.  They’re not good, because I was drawing them as I tried to stare at the cool costumes at Comic Con.  I personally like the ones where it looks like someone procrastinated and just rolled around in their hamper and stuck a cape on it and drew a bat symbol over their chest.

So again, only 3 crappy comics this week.  I pray you enjoy them, because honestly, I didn’t.

CLICK THE PICTURE DAMNIT!

John and Unicorn have a twitter.  For the love of GOD don’t forget they have a twitter damnit!

Click the picture below, and you can SEE the twitter!

I can see which posts on my site receive more hits, and for some reason, the Lady Gaga Manifesto has been climbing steadily.

“Wat is that post, Jhon?”
“GET BACK IN THE CAGE!”

It’s this post:

http://hervatski.com/2010/03/04/lady-gaga-manifesto-part-3/

I liked it too, but not sure where the hits are coming from.  Spam?  Potatoes?  Perhaps, ice cream?  I’m hungry now

But not a verse to read.

Ok, so this week’s is old.  How old?  Just read it and you can put a date to it.  We’re catching up but never fear.

Today we discuss…discuss…We’re still on Genesis, so Phil Collins is running around somewhere with a leaf tied to his junk.  I’m not sure what we even discussed in this installment, but next week’s should be good.  Or far worse.  It’s either one.

Also, grammar is for losers.

Hervatski: Let us start talking slowly
Hervatski: For dost I eth still readem bibleth
Ca’ah’laig: I’m on lunch
Ca’ah’laig: WAIT
Hervatski: I’m on lunch too!
Ca’ah’laig: too many people here for me to discuss
Hervatski: Can we talk about wrestling yet?
Ca’ah’laig: soon. I’m watching world cup
Hervatski: I’m on the 5ths reading take your time
Ca’ah’laig: I didn’t finish yet
Hervatski: Me neither
Ca’ah’laig: I’m up to chapter 36
Ca’ah’laig: it’s getting crazy!
Hervatski: What the f you didn’t read either?
Hervatski: I’m on halter 42
Ca’ah’laig: no
Ca’ah’laig: but I’ll get caught up today
Hervatski: Behold! This bible study day hath been torn asunder!
Ca’ah’laig: let us wrestle it until it touches the hollow of our thighs!
Hervatski: Spake unto you
Ca’ah’laig: peradventure we might catch up
Ca’ah’laig: I shall build us an house

PERADVENTURE!

Comic con is many things, to each person, every year.  One year it could be a drunken escapade for you and your friends, and the very next it’s a business trip.  The most boring 5 days of your life could then become the best week you can remember, 365 days later.

5 days…I keep forgetting I go to this thing for 5 days…people go to Paris for 5 days…

Regardless of your view on the con, your experience, the way you take it all in, whatever it is, one thing is inescapable.  One thing so unique, that if any other industry truly realized what Comic Con had over them, they would be kicking themselves for missing it…

The fans.

The fans are what make Comic Con so special.  It sounds generic, trite, stupid, I know.  But it’s true.  No other industry, no other art, has fans like Comics.  Let’s not kid ourselves here either.  The fans at Comic Con are Comic fans.  They might show up for a movie panel, or a toy, but to their core, they’re Comics through and through.

Make a Comic fan, and you’ve got a devotee for life.  You have to do some very insane things to get a Comic fan to dislike you.  Show me just a LITTLE bit of attention, and I’ll follow you to the creative ends of the Earth.  You don’t see this in movies, you don’t see this on television, music, video games, whatever it is.  Comic fans are truly unique.

And it’s Comic Con that allows them the opportunity to show their devotion.  The person who draws your favorite super hero is sitting just mere yards away!  Walk up, say hi!  Start a conversation, tell them good day and…wait…is that your favorite writer sitting behind a table across the aisle?  You’ve got time, let them know you like their work and that you look forward to their next book!

Where else can you do that?  Is there a movie convention where in row 10 Angelina Jolie is sitting behind a table with sharpie in hand, waiting for you to approach her so she can sign your poster?  Is George Clooney speaking in a room with 40 people, describing his career and the lengths he took to get to where he is?  Of course not!

And yet they, we, get shit on from time to time by people in the industry.  Not often, but it happens.  And why?  These guys and girls traveled thousands of miles, from homes that honestly, some rarely vacate, through crowded airports, in stuffy planes, drove through unknown areas so they could eventually have the brief opportunity to tell you, to your face, that what you’re doing brings them happiness and joy.  That your creativity helps them get through some tough times, and imagine a better tomorrow.  And the only thing on your mind is when are they going to stop talking, when can you get up and leave for the day, when will they shut up and buy something from you?  Musicians would kill for such a vast population of rabid fans like this.  Fans that will continue to give them money long after they’ve overstayed their welcome in the medium.  Fans with genuine concern for the professionals they adore.  And you, ostracized earlier in your life, now return that same feeling to someone who just wants to show you their appreciation?

I for one love, and am, a Comic fan.  That’s why I love Comic Con.  Not for the actors, or the video games, or the movies, or the theatrics.  I love Comic Con because for 5 days out of the year, I’m able to be around people who share my appreciation for creativity and hard work.  Sure a few might not have the most up to date social skills possible, but the lack of skill is more than made up for by their pure love of the medium.  They’re not shy in their connection to the product they adore, though outside the convention they might never say a word.  That dual persona from the Comic fan keeps me coming back year after year…