Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

Seriously, think for a moment before you judge, alright?

SO I had some salsa and I figured, someone’s gotta try it, right?

I mean, salsa is good in SO many dishes, right?  Peanut Butter is good in SO many dishes, right?  So the combination should be SUPER FUCKING AWESOME, RIGHT?!

RIGHT!

The only way to describe the Maranatha with the salsa is…fun.  When people have said before that a dish was, “fun,” I always imagined them bringing the food to the front yard and running through the wacky water weasel with the food.  I now know what they mean.  I just started giggling as I ate this.  The hot salsa with the sweet thick dark chocolate Peanut Butter was just…fun!  It was as if I was playing kickball with a midget or something, it was THAT fun!

Tasted fucked up and like shit at times, but FUN!

This one was not as fun, but it was a perfect combination of dark chocolate Peanut Butter and hot salsa.  And when I say combination, I mean you can distinctly tell each one apart.  So you get your fix of salsa and your fix of dark chocolate Peanut Butter.  Kind of like a midget playing kickball.

Both were great…fun FUCK I can’t describe it any better.  I wouldn’t make an entire meal out of this, but I would invite Beatrice and Florence over for our mid-Saturday get together and introduce them to this combination as we laugh in our summer dresses and giggle about times past as we look longingly into the salsa and reminisce about how life is so beautiful and fun.  Then Beatrice will tell us both that she’s finally found another love in her life and we’ll all start crying because we’re so happy for her.  Florence will go to make coffee in celebration as I take the Peanut Butter and just start rubbing it all over my balls.  Beatrice will freak out and call me sick as I start to sing opera music and tap my foot on the coffee table.  Florence will return with the coffee and immediately drop it as she see’s what’s happening.

“FLORENCE YOU STUPID BITCH YOU RUINED MY CARPET!”
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR GENITALIA!?!?”
“I’M PURIFYING BEATRICE’S NEW LOVE!!! IT HAS TO BE DONE!”
“OH MY GOD LOOK!

And we’ll both turn to see Beatrice floating in the air, lightning shooting out of her vagina!

“I AM BEATRICE!  COMMANDER OF THE STORM!  YOUR PEANUT BUTTER BALLS HAVE RELEASED ME FROM MY COCOON!  I MUST RETURN BACK TO PLANET GLARBULA FOR WE MAKE PREPARATION FOR THE WAR THAT WILL BRING PEACE TO THE COSMOS!”
“OK BYE BYE BEATRICE WRITE TO US, OK!?”

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha all natural dark chocolate  Peanut Butter gets…

An elbow drop.

Peanut Butter and Co. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A horse driving a horse that’s riding on top of the car.

With an overall score of…

A wizard playing some pinball.

Thank you.

Fuck it who cares.

IT’S PEANUT BUTTER CHICKEN TIME!  PEANUT BUTTER CHICKEN TIME!  PEANUT BUTTER CHICKEN!  PEANUT BUTTER CHICKEN!  PEANUT BUTTER CHICKEN AND A…fork.

I honestly think I did pair chicken with this shit before…I’d go back and look, but, that would require me to stop flexing my muscles for a few minutes.  And some things, cannot wait.

Oh yeah!  What was in the chicken?  I have no idea.  I really don’t.  I think there was…I don’t know.  Terriaki sauce?  Maybe pepper and salt?  I forget.  I put a bunch of shit into the bag and froze it almost two months ago.  I could have put fairy dust and horse farts in there, would probably taste the same.

I don’t know how to properly explain this, but the Maranatha with the chicken tastes like…chinese food…if that makes sense.  A lot of ‘Mericanized chinese food tastes almost exactly the same.  Very subtle differences because…who knows, they (and by they I mean the chinese) are probably trying to infiltrate our society through food and slowly take it over.  “DEY TOOK AR JEOBS!” no.  They don’t want our jobs!  They’re infiltrating our country in order to erect a gigantic space telescope so they can spy on the naked big boobied ladies of Jupitor!  WE HAVE TO STOP THE ASIANS!

Very…meh.  PB&C with the chicken tasted like…nothing much.  It’s almost like they negated each other in their eternal struggle to please my mouth.  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

Well, is it?

The lesson here kids, is don’t put dark chocolate Peanut Butter on cooked chicken.  You’re just wasting the Peanut Butter, which could be better used as lubricant in cock fights.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha all natural dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

Optimus Prime pooping tiny trucks.

Peanut Butter and Co. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A dude holding grapes.

With an overall score of…

An iphone usb cord wall charger adapter and a picture I drew of it.

Thank you.

Mine was tacos.  Still is tacos.  Well, there’s a recording of me somewhere with me yelling, “I WANT A BUWEETO!!!” to my Mom as she asks me what I want to eat for dinner.  Then she says we don’t have a burrito, and I think i quietly go, “I want a buweeto….”

I’ve wanted a buweeto ever since!

But I’ve landed on tacos.  Which are equally delicious, though, not as large and require more work to upkeep.  It’s like the difference between a lawn and a pool.  We all love pools, they’re not hard to maintain other than calling out a pool man, and they’re great to have, like a buweeto.  But a yard is just better for families, friends, get togethers, but it requires more personal upkeep, like a taco.  Furthermore, I am now hungry.

What did you love as a child?  Was it…

This is some blurry fucking shit.  It’s also potatoes cooking so they can be mashed.

“John!  What the fuck are you doing with that dark chocolate Peanut Butter and those mashed potatoes?!”
“I’m taking the S.A.T’s you fucking moron WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M GOING TO DO!!!!”

Here are my normal mashed potato ingredients, other than the dark chocolate Peanut Butter that is.  If you get the stuff JUST right you’ve got some awesome mashed potatoes on your hands!  If you take your pants off JUST right, you’ve got a pee pee!

Here’s a spoiler for…why’s my thumb look like that?  Here’s a spoiler for you assholes:

THIS SHIT SUCKED!

Dark chocolate Peanut Butter in mashed potatoes is pretty bad.  It’s…bland, and then some.  It’s like bland, and then you add bland.  Very strange.  I keep imagining a cadbery cream egg.  That’s kind of how it tasted.  Man now I want candy, and tacos   I’m not even going to go into the differences between the two.  Suffice to say, they both sucked.  Also the chicken sucked, if you were wondering.  Too much fucking oregano.  I DON’T LIKE OREGANO!!! Oh now look whatcha did!  You got me all worked up and stuff!  DAMNIT!!!

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha all natural dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A shirt, a tie, and a pogo stick.

Peanut Butter and Co. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A…what the fuck is that?  I think…it’s a knuckle sandwich?

With an overall score of…

My pinky stuck in a water bottle.

Thank you.

I really do.   I’m not a fan of crunchy stuff.  I’m a big fan of mushy stuff.  Maybe it’s because my tummy is mushy, and not crunchy?  I’m not sure.  Cookies?  I like em soft.  Cereal?  Mushy.  Porcupines?  OH SUCH A CUTE PORCUPINE!!!

But I also like my veggies mushy.  I hate crispy veggies, unless they’re deep fried.  Green beans?  MUSHY!  Onions?  Uhm…if I’m eating cold KFC chicken I need cold crisp yellow onions.  I’ll take a bite of cold chicken, then a bite of onion, then I’ll…you’ve turned away haven’t you?

LOOKIT THIS!

This is my super concoction!  It’s grilled onions made with soy sauce, then french green beans (meaning they smell and love the NATO), with melted cheese in it.  It’s SO good.  And SO easy to make!  And it’s ALL MUSHY!!!! What better to put on it then dark chocolate Peanut Butter?

Probably gold diamonds, BITCH!

Basically, the onion/green bean thing is a little salty what with the soy sauce and garlic salt.  But it’s savory.  Adding maranatha dark chocolate Peanut Butter gives it a bit of a sweet taste.  You can taste the green bean onion stuff just fine, but now there’s a sweeter flavor.  I’ve figured that’s what Maranatha does.  It adds a specific texture and sweetness to everything, like nutella, but not as good.  Maranatha has a weird texture, grainy, I’ve mentioned this before but were you listening?  NO! YOU WERE NOT!!!

It LOOKS like I have fancy forks, but I think they were from Macys?  Or maybe Target?  I bought a butt load of junk from Target when I moved into my last place.  Anywho, this one tasted like salt, soy sauce, and chocolate Peanut Butter.  I did not stick any into my rectum, but I damn near killed ‘em!  LALALALALALOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No really you could really taste the PB&C here.  As if nothing else was included.  Weird.  What’s even MORE weird is a banana that talks!

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Maranatha all natural dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

A green onion and a U2 CD.

Peanut Butter & Co. dark chocolate Peanut Butter gets…

The Sun and a giant stack of pancakes playing Paddycake.

With an overall score of…

The letter J.

Thank you.

I always hated the fucking thing.  I enjoyed school well enough, specifically the portions devoted to eating, and then playing after you ate.  But when it came to academics, I was out of my element, donnie.

I understand things well enough, I’m not an idiot.  Infact, some have called me, “Look at this asshole…is he the smartest man ever or something?  Get the fuck out of my way, dipshit!”

And as the smartest man ever or something, I think it’s my duty to state my opinion on the honor roll…

Fuck you honor roll.

Is that an opinion?  Or FACT.  I hated the pressure, which was funny, because you didn’t have to try much to get second honors or whatever.  Getting a 3.0 wasn’t too hard.  a 3.6 a stretch, and a 4.0 only exists in the minds of children.

I hated that stupid certificate, though I do remember taping each one to the wall of my room once I started getting them in about the 4th grade.  Up until the 4th grade they pinpointed why I was doing so badly in school due to the fact that I didn’t know how to operate a book, and that paper won’t attack me if I turned my gaze elsewhere.

One day if I have kids I’m going to purposefully teach them incorrectly so they never get one of those stupid awards.

“Dad, what’s the capital of Kansas?”
“Russia.”

“Dad, what’s a prism?”
“It’s where you send bad people.”

“Dad, can we go over the multiplication table?”
“That’s a sin.”

“Dad, I got on the honor roll!”
“Russia.”

Not the loveable one, either, but the bad one, who turns milk chocolate white when it gets old, and doesn’t give you a tootsie pop that has an indian shooting a star on the wrapper.

I ate a whole bag of these things and my mouth tasted like blood?  And the banana mush got stuck between and behind EVERY FUCKING TOOTH in my mouth!  Man, I shiver just thinking of how hard it was to remove all that banana mush.  Fuck that man.  Never again.  Fuck you trader joes, you son a ma bich.

So I went to trader joes and bought the normal banana chips, which are delicious, and don’t cause me to start punching the wall out of frustration.

This is a boring post.

Why I celebrate birthdays.
By: Me

It is my Mom’s birthday today. So I’m at home after dinner just sitting here as my sister makes an ice cream sundae station. In the bathroom. Don’t ask.

But I don’t celebrate birthdays for the people. I don’t celebrate it to remember the past. I don’t even celebrate it for the good of others to make them feel better about themselves. No, I do it for something more pure. More simple. More beautiful. I do it….

FOR FUCKING CAKE!!!!!

It’s about the cake damnit!!!! And here I am waiting for an ICE CREAM station?! What the fuck is going on here!?!? I wanna cake!!! I wannnnnaaaaaa caaaaaaaakeeeee!!!!

If I could divorce a sibling I would. God help me I would divorce a sibling.

Amen.

A child’s laughter? No…

The smile of an elderly person as they enjoy the wanning days of life? No.

A good lunch with a good friend? No.

Laser eyes. This day is beautiful, but only the sweet warmth of laser eyes could possibly create an atmosphere even more welcoming than a Mother’s embrace for a wayward child. Can a mother melt lead from 300 feet away? I think not. Can a mother’s embrace stop bank robbers dead in their tracks by melting the tires on their get away car? No sir. Can a mother’s embrace even warm up a pot of cold water? Well..maybe if your mother were really big and snuggled that pot for awhile maybe, but generally…no.

Laser eyes are the things that seperate the humans from the über humans. The type of humans that fly into the sun just because they can. They type of humans that visit strange new worlds! And subjegate the alien populace so that they can mine the speekle rock of the great vashrand wastelands! The type of humans that laugh in the face of a God who’s long since abandoned them to frolic in the wind swept star dust of the Achilese nebula!!!!!

I’ve written a poem. For laser eyes.

Laser eyes laser eyes where have you gone?
I’ve wanted you all my life. I’ve wanted you for so long.

One reason! One season! One lesson to be made!
That if any punk bitch steps to me, I’ll melt them till they fade.

I am alone with my vision Laser eyes why are you not hear?
With laser eyes, with ruby red laser eyes they will fear.

One time I thought I had the vision of the laser…
Only to realize it was a cop hitting me with a taser.

But a laser is not a laser oh no it is not.
If laser eyes were sold at walmart it would have been laser I’d have bought.

So come to me laser eyes. Sweep me in a dream.
For when I wake up with my laser eyes, humanity will scream.

Bravisimo!!!

There probably won’t be a part 2, mainly because I’ll probably forget I wrote part 1, and am too lazy to do part 2.  That’s just the way LOOOOOVE goes, that’s the way love goes.

Take it away Janet Jackson!!!

What the fuck, N’SYNC! Get outta here! GO MOVE IT!

So I’m sitting here and I’m thirsty, and I sorta gotta pee.  But…I don’t want to get up.  Checking facebook is infinitely more enjoyable than getting a cool glass of water from the fridge.  YES I said fridge!  Not the tap.  This isn’t 1930 anymore, ok?  Did they have tap water in 1930?  Whatever the case may be, I filter that shit through brita.  Yes I know that we spend millions of dollars to purify our drinking water and that it’s really safe and shit, but YOU don’t know that, do you?

Who’s to say mole men aren’t digging into our water lines and pee pee’ing inside of them and when I take a sip of water I’m all like EWWWWW mole man pee pee grody!

So I’m getting a headache and kinda dizzy cause I’m dehydrated.  But I keep wanting to type online.

Literally the fridge is about 12 feet away.  I think I’m having a nose bleed.  Ok, it’s time to get some water.

fuck my butt.

hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

It’s another installment of the game that’s sweeping Eurasia…

WHAT!
ARE!
PEOPLE!
SEARCHING!
FOR!
*clap**clap**clap**clap**clap*YEYYY JOHN WE LOVE YOU!!!*clap**clap**clap**clap**clap*

I love this game.  I decided to do it again today because 1: I have nothing else to talk about and 2: Because some of these are pretty good.  Keisha strikes again it seems!

Some highlights:

1: I have no idea what porno turkai is, or how they were led to my site using that search term.
2: Someone ACTUALLY thought that bad romance has a mathmatical equation and spent some time looking for it! hahaha
3: Still people with light brown poop.  IT’S THE FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER!!!
4: Violence is never the answer, that’s right!  But someone had to google that to figure it out?
5: TIK TOK FUCK MY BUTT! hahahahahahahahaha what the fuck are people looking for on the internet?!

“Honey, are you done on the computer?”
“Just a second sweety!  Just gotta send out some work emails…*whispers*tik…tok…fuck my….butt…EUREKA!”

Seriously, I know there’s some weird shit on the internet but even I, who honestly I think of some stupid shit sometimes, am confused as to why someone would search for that.

Did I stumble upon some alien code?  The last one was “tik tok look at my butt.”  Now that people are looking at it, the dude wants them to fuck it?

“excuse me, sir?”
“Yes?”
“TIK TOK LOOK AT MY BUTT!”
“Oh, your butt, I see it.”
“TIK TOK FUCK MY BUTT!”

I love the internet.