Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

IS GYOZA!!!!!!!!!!

God I love gyoza.  Fried on the outside, flavorful on the inside, and perfect in between!  These are the ling ling (racist) ones.  There’s a little panda on the cover, making it 10X’s more racist than anything this world has ever SEEN!  Other than that time that I saw a package of bacon that had a picture of a pig playing tennis…so wrong…

Grape Goober tasted like…I don’t know…it was alright.  The gyoza kind of took away the flavor of the Peanut Butter in the goober, thank GOD, but the sweetness stayed a bit.  So it was like a sweet gyoza that bakes you a cake when you’re sad.  Awwww gyoza you’re so sweet.

The strawberry one wasn’t that much better.  For some reason I tasted the weird taste here.  I don’t like the weird taste I DO NOT LIKE THE WEIRD TASTE!  But then I tasted the gyoza so I felt ok.  Like a warm summer’s rain on my vagina, I felt ok.

Oooooo PRETTY!  This is the bottom of the grape goobers.  I love how it looks.  I want to see the little machines that make this stuff, and then touch them.  Touch them and lick my lips and touch them again.  Then get led out of the factory.  Led out of the factory as I walk and touch my lips and lick them.  Get questioned by the police.  Questioned and lick my ah you get the point.

Let’s get on with the judging!!!

Goobers grape Peanut Butter gets…

Batman taking a shower.

Goobers strawberry Peanut Butter gets…

A gigantic bowl of soup.

With an overall score of…

Blue ink.

Thank you.

THE PEEEAAAANUUUT BUTTERRRRR….

Fuck yeah!  It’s the maiden voyage of the starship GOOBER bitches!

God I used to love goobers.  I mean, it has my two favorite things in the world, TOGETHER.  Peanut Butter?  GOOD.  Jelly?  GOOD!  Not as good as jam though.  Jam’s the middle one between jelly and preserves, right?  Fuck, all preserves is is smashed fruit and some sugar and Pope tears.  Jam is the middle ground, like Obama.  But not black.  Because I don’t like black licorice.  I’m NOT RACIST!

So I’ve decided that with each new Peanut Butter, I’m just going to taste it.  Not put it on anything at first, just taste it, tug my penis 18 times, and spit in a bucket.

It’s…beautiful.  Supple, like a breast.  But filled with stripes of jelly, like a breast.  This is the grape one, and the prettiest one.  Look how awesome it looks!

Look how GROSS this shit is!  What the fuck is this bullshit?  Goddamn this tasted like ASS!  Fucking hell!  It separated like playdoh or some shit.  See how it’s kind of sandy, and dry?  The fuck?  It’s not dry though.  I mean, it’s not old or nothing.  It was kept in a pretty cool dry place and shit.  Ew.  Did I eat this shit all the time as a kid and didn’t know the difference?

Again, deceptive.  This LOOKED like a pretty pretty angel pooping sugar, but infact it was…

ASSHOOOOOLLLLEEEE!!!!!

Man, this shit is weird.  It has a weird…something taste.  I can’t quite put my finger on it honestly.  But it tastes like dung.  What the fuck.  The packaging is super pretty, the insides are super pretty, and the THEORY is super DUPER pretty, yet it’s poop.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Goober grape Peanut Butter gets…

Mr. Peanut doing the limbo.

Goober strawberry Peanut Butter gets…

A turtle floating away with a balloon.

With an overall score of…

A pepperoni pizza.

Thank you.

This just about sums it up:

Smoked ham frying in butter.  Even JESUS couldn’t put it more succinctly, and he has a masters degree!!!

Happy Easter everyone!

I forgot to do this at the end of March.  I blame Jesus.  Jesus is the reason, for the season.  He’s also the reason why I forgot to do this shit.

So in no particular order, though #1 IS #1 and #5 is the worst of the bunch, so, I guess numbers 2-4 are in no order, though 4 is a little bitch, you little bitch, here’s the top 5 posts for March!

CHURCH!

It’s simple math, people.

It’s more delicious than an egg in jello!

Life is just one disappointment after another, until you give up and slide into the future!

This is where I learn how to draw.

I pray you all enjoyed this recap of March posts on this glorious Easter day.  I for one am going to go load up on so much lamb I’m going to poop out sheet.  And then shave that poop sheep and make a poop sweater and sell it at the farmers market.  Those hippies will eat it up!  THEY’LL EAT UP MY POOP SWEATER!!!

Here’s a picture of sunshine on a carpet.

WHICH!

ONE!

HAPPENED!!!!

*CLAP**CLAP**CLAP**CLAP*WE LOVE YOU JOHN!!!*CLAP**CLAP**CLAP**CLAP*

Which one happened is a game where I present two scenarios, and you try and guess which scenario really did happen tonight!  CONTENDER READY!  GLADIATOR READY!!!

Was my night…

So I get home and I get a call from a friend, there’s a birthday going on.  I shower quick, get ready and head it.  It’s in downtown LA and the place is packed.  I normally don’t drink and then drive, but people are buying me shots and I’m having a great time.  I black out for a little bit, come back to and realize it’s only 9pm!  We head down the road to a little taco stand and start just going nuts on tacos.  This homeless dude comes by and I buy him half a dozen tacos and he starts telling us the craziest stories!  I sober up and drive home and napped and now woke up and here I am.  Fuck, I think I drunk dialed 3 people!

Or was it…

I get home and take a dump.  I then change out of my work clothes and walk to trader joes.  I buy banana chips and pita chips and walk home.  I watch a doctor who episode, eat my banana and pita chips and watch the show.  I then do some blog entries that’ll appear in the future (I dated them for a week from now), I edit one of my scripts, I take a shower, my tummy hurts, and now I’m here and I’m freaking exhausted.

If you can guess the right answer you get the awesome prize of IT WAS TWO OK!  It was number 2!  Trying to save money and get writing done sucks balls.  Also it’s Good Friday so you can’t really go out and go nuts because Jesus died and stuff.  Even if it wasn’t Good Friday I’d be doing the same thing.

And now I sit here in my boxers after taking a shower writing this post because I’ve made it a goal to do SOMETHING each day on this site.  My first inclination was to draw boobies using MS Paint and post that, but then I realized why draw boobies when I can look down and see my own boobies!  LOOKIT THE BOOBIES!  LOOKIT THE BOOBIES!

Time to watch more Doctor Who and go bed.

FOR PEANUT BUTTER!!!

Based upon the suggestions of my Manager, I decided to go with a twice weekly post of Peanut Butter.  Peanut Butter will no longer be contained ONLY on Mondays.  Instead it will be broken out to two days.  Mondays and Fridays.  This is to allow myself to NOT go insane trying to fit all this bullshit into one week.

Also, I’m not going to post SO MANY of them.  There were weeks where I would do 6 in one day!  Fuck that man, I’m not a MACHINE!  I’m a human being!  So I’m going to slow down on the posts, to ensure quality….

heh…remember when David Lee Roth put out that record with only like, 4 songs on there?  His explanation was that most albums only had 3-4 good songs on there, and a bunch of filler.  So he was giving people the 4 good songs, and leaving out the filler!  And I think one of them was a cover? hahaha whatever happened to that guy, did he make it to the moon or what?

Anywho, today we usher in April with…

A black man.

No, today we usher in a new Peanut Butter…

It’s the April Peanut Butter!  What’s in it!?!!?  DRUM ROLL PLEEEEASE!

Wait, no, stop stop stop!

This is gonna be more bullshit, isn’t it?  Some organic crap?  Maybe low fat horse shit?  Fuck that.  I’m sick and tired of this fake Peanut Butter GARBAGE!  PEANUT BUTTER SHOULD TASTE LIKE CANDY AND MAKE ME WANT TO-

PEE PEE!  PEE PEE!  PEE PEE MY PANTS!!!!  FINALLY SOME HONEST TO GOD REAL PEANUT BUTTER!  THANK YOU! THANK YOU JESUS I KNEW YOU WERE THERE!  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG GOM GOM GOM GOM GOM!!!!!

This stuff is out of control.  It’s like a jungle rainforest was fed some sort of radioactive fertilizer and subjected to HGH or some shit.  At times I think my chest hair is talking to me!  But then I realize it’s only my tummy, and it’s Burger King time.

I mean, sometimes I look down at a hair on my table and go “Is…that a pube, or a chest hair?”

When you can’t discern between a pube and a chest hair, then it’s time to trim that shit.

FYI: it was a chest hair because I shave my balls.

Never understood that.  I enjoy WATCHING people eat, I really do.  If I could give a restaurant 10 bucks to just sit there, break out my sack lunch, and stare at people eating all day, I would.  I would, and I could, if not for SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS!  Thank you sociology 101!

But I don’t get HUNGRY watching them eat.  I don’t think, “Goddamn, that mesh of big mac in that person’s mouth is making my tongue horny for some chicken mcnuggets.” NO!  NO!  Because my mouth is ALWAYS horny for chicken mcnuggets!

And yet all you see on tv is people enjoying the food.  They should showcase food like amateur porn.  I mean, everyone SAYS they like to watch professional porn, but you know all they really want to see is two overweight people sloppily going at it and then passing out in exhaustion.  That’s what I want.  I want a 1/2 eaten big mac sitting on a paper plate with some REM music in the background or some shit.  I’d drive to McDonalds so fast!

This post makes little sense.  I’m just trying to buy some time before I go wash the dishes

I hate washing dishes.  I don’t HATE it, I just don’t like it.  There’s no return for washing dishes.  If you make food, you are rewarded with…food!  If you wash dishes, you are rewarded with…a sink without shit in it.  Fuck that.  I wish they made something that washed them for you