Lumberjack Express

Well, there IS one silver lining?

Oh hellllll yeah.  Who eats reeces peanut butter cups for breakfast?  I DO!  And you know what they say about the dark chocolate?   Once you go DARK you never go AFRICAN AMERICAN!

Look at it all pretty there and-

Ah you sneaky mother fuckers where’d you come from!!! LEAVE MY REECES DARK PEANUT BUTTER CUPS ALONE!!!!

FYI: It didn’t taste like dark chocolate.  Just not really milk chocolate, so…that’s a good thing?

Onto the taste test, shall we?

First off, it’s not really peanut butter in a reece’s cup, it’s more like chalk.  Slightly peanut butter chalk.  But it’s delicious chalk.

Second off, this peanut butter…wasn’t….bad?  It was actually quite good.  This is the no salt one.  Meaning it’s just peanuts and I don’t know what else.  I’ll try and remember next time.  The point is, it tasted like…good.  Just SLIGHTLY sweet, though really goey.  I don’t know why the all natural creamy peanut butters are so gooey.  You can pretty much take a stick, put it in there, and spread stuff while dripping it using the stick, like those honey thingies?  Like that.  So it’s kind of messy.  I wouldn’t use it for lube, unless you want to make love to a wet nap.

Next up we have the creamy unsweetened probably tastes like ass butter:

The unsweetened one?  HOLY SHIT!  HOLY SHIT it was GOOD!  First off, when you refridgerate it, it turns into…a chocolate consistency.  If you’ve ever had thick chocolate that still can somewhat be cut easily by a knife, this is it.  It’s kind of hard to spread, but it tastes JUST like reeces pieces!  Ok, not WITH the cup, I mean I was eating the peanut butter plain and it tasted JUST like reeces’s pieces!  It was so good!  There’s palm oil in there, so if you’re allergic to palm oil, stop jacking off.

THE VERDICTS!

No Salt 365 Organic peanut butter gets:

A picture of Michael Jackson grabbing his crotch with a weird sort of world war 2 racist Japenese teeth thing going on there sort of look B.

And the creamy 365 organic unsweetened peanut butter gets:

A picture of Jesus Christ and Michael Jackson grabbing their crotches and moonwalking A!

WOW!  An A this quick, huh?  That unsweetened bullshit is actually REALLY good!

With a final score of:

Neutrogena fast absorbing hand cream.

Thank you.

FUCK YOU.

Today begins our sordid journey with ORGANIC ALL NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER!  That’s bad.  BAD, ok?

Some dudes say “I like a girl, who’s all natural” No you don’t dude.  No you don’t.  Every girl who you THOUGHT was natural, was not natural.  She just had a TINY bit of makeup and a little perfume.  She basically wore the male equivalent of deodorant, and MAYBE axe body spray.  The “natural” chicks you like look like this:

Ok, I was going to insert a picture of a natural chick, so I went to google to  look.  I typed in, “natural chick” into the image search, and all I got was pictures of unshaven women getting dicks shoved into them.  Not something you want to look at.  Ok it’s EXACTLY what I want to look at, but there might be old people watching, and they went through hippies and reaganomics, so lets give them some peace?

What was I saying?  Oh yeah…

BIG HAIRY BUSH!  JUST MOUNDS OF IT!  THAT’S ALL THE IMAGES WERE!  HOLY CRAP LADIES IT AIN’T 1872 ANYMORE, OK?  THE CIVIL WAR IS LONG OVER, YOU CAN TRIM THE HEDGES!

ONTO THE PEANUT BUTTER!

That’s right my friends.  We start the month off with bananas.  You might ask yourself, “Why does John eat so many bananas?”

BECAUSE THEY’RE CHEAP AT RALPHS YOU IDIOT!

Lets make this short and sweet.  I couldn’t taste any peanut butter.  At all.  NOTHING.  Because the bananas were so HORRIBLE.  Really, not ripe at all.  Why do I do this?  Why can’t I just eat them when they’re ripe?  Fuck you.

ONTO THE SCORING!

Creamy no salt gets you:

A Superman slamming into a brick wall C-.

Creamy non sweetened organic peanut butter from whole foods gets:

A Wonder Woman kicking a dog C.

With an overall score of:

A picture of my hand resting on my desk.

Thank you.

They say February is the month of love.  I say, February is the month of PEANUT BUTTER!

No one?  Fuck you too.

From this point onward, Mondays will be Peanut Butter day.  See that capitalization, bitches?  Hells yeah, that’s RIGHT!  RESPECT YO BUTTA!

Every Monday brings a new post about Peanut Butter.  Might be one post?  Might be two.  Who knows, maybe Mr. Owl?

“Hey MISTER owl, what day is Peanut Butter day?”
“Go fuck yourself, kid.”

Let us unveil the pretty pretty box of mystery!

Holy CRAP look at how professional that is!  Doesn’t even look like my living room table or nothing!  All them shadows and shit, I should get paid for this stuff!

Awww, and look at the little hearts on February, such a nice touch!

Ok gay time is over, CHUMPS!  What do we have under the box?  Almond butter?  Sesame butter?  Do they make that?  If they did, I’m not going to lie here, I’d probably sit in it, and try and lay an egg in it.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!

drumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrumdrum

AH FUCK YOU WHOLE FOODS!!!! Another month of this bullshit!?!?  You and your bullshit 365 SHIT!

Oh how pleasant, I kept thinking that last month the reason why all the peanut butter tasted like ass was because it was organic, little did I know, it was not organic, just all natural!  Now this is all natural AND organic?!!?! FUCKING HELL!!!

God must hate me to do this to me.  Or Zachariah told Jesus how we totally trashed God’s house when he was away for the weekend.  I swear, NEVER trust Zachariah.  Mainly cause I don’t know who that is, and I just keep picturing Slater :/

Is upon us my friends.  Who knew at the beginning of this month that I would eat so much freaking peanut butter? Let us pause for a moment, and reflect upon our peanut buttery sins…

Fuck it, let’s look at more peanut butter!!!

Wait, before we begin.  I was resizing photos, because wordpress caca’s it’s pants if you try and upload a large file.  So I’m doing that, but I was also listening to Lady Gaga’s, “Bad Romance” for the 800th time.  I STOPPED the song so I could fully concentrate on this post.  Let that sink in for a moment, ok?

Also, one last time I’d like to remind everyone about something.  These peanuts butts were NOT organic.  They were just all natural.  All natural peanut butter.  No additives, fillers, preservatives, or illegal immigrant spit.  Hey you’d spit if you made it across hundreds of miles of desert to end up in a place where you gotta put shitty peanut butter in a can for some ugly white dude to talk about on a crappy website.

So what’s on the menu today?

OH.  FUCK.  YEAH.

Who bought mcdoanlds?  JOHN BOUGHT MCDONALDS!!!  But what did John buy?

You got a boner too, huh?  Let me let you in on a little secret, ok?

Sausage biscuit: 1 dollar
Sausage McMuffin: 1 dollar
Hash browns: 1 dol-what the FUCK!?

Listen here, assholes.  There’s a BISCUIT ANNNND sausage in the sausage biscuit.  You had to slaughter a cow AND the tip of a worker’s finger to make that thing.  Not only all that, but you had to squeeze a cow to get cheese to make the McMuffin.  BOTH are 1 dollar.  For the potato, you had to punch an irishman!  THAT’S IT!

You didn’t know if you punched an irishman he pooped fried potatoes?  There’s not a lot you know, is there?

Fuck it, breakfast was about 3 bucks.  Quite a steal.  Quite a steal indeed…

Peanut butter!  Where did you come from!?  Oh, a chocolate cow?  I think that joke is messed up…in the most literal of senses.

First we start with a dollop of chunky peanut butter on the hash browns.  The verdict?

AWESOME.  How awesome?  Unicorn awesome.  But you ask,

“Why though?  Why so awesome?”

Because it’s FRIED potatoes.  Honestly, no hash browns have ever, EVER, been as awesome in ANY restaurant, as the ones found at McDonalds.  They’re crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside.  What’s not to like?  Oh, the DEVIL?  Ok.

Creamy was even better.  Mostly because you’re not focusing on eating pieces of peanuts the whole time.  It’s like masturbating in the woods.  You’re 1/2 enjoying it, but 1/2 looking out for bears.

Before I did anything, I had to kill the Sausage McMuffin, or else it would start infecting others.  As a side note, I could have atleast gotten rid of the wrapper in the background.

I find it amazing that cornmeal only appears on the sausage mcmuffin.  Mcdonalds is the king of taking what they got, and just swishing it around, and WHALLA, the mac wrap or whatever the hell they’re calling that thing.  Anywho, essentially what you’re looking at is some chunky peanut butter inside a sausage mcmuffin.  Not sure why they put cheese in this thing, perhaps its a binding spell to hold back the horrors contained within, I don’t know.  This didn’t taste good, but it wasn’t the peanut butter’s fault.  You could throw truffle oil and the Lord’s prayer onto this thing and it would suck ass.

What’s wrong with the above picture?  If you answered: “Everything” you win a prize.  I always wondered if they actually cooked the sausage, or if a really fat dude just kind of brushed up against it.  We should harness fat man’s body heat to power the sun.

This again, did not taste good.  Remember when as a kid you fell onto the middle beam of the bike, and crushed your nuts with the force of a 2 ton jack hammer?  That’s more pleasant than the above picture.

This is what it’s like, when dove’s cry:

As an aside:

This thing was 370 calories.  I’m a big man, I can take that.  But they called the serving size, “1 container.”  Container of what?  It’s paper!  That’s just me being picky, and drawing your attention away from the word “Grasa” which is my new nickname for my butt.

I’m not sure if it’s the camera, or what, but the peanut butter looks light.  It don’t matter, because this shit was DE-LIC-IOUS!

Sausage Biscuits at mcdonalds is the ONE joy God has given us in this life.  He was sitting there one day down in Newport Beach kind bummed that he fucked us over with all the bad things in this world (PBS, global warming, sausage mcmuffins) that he reached his hands to the sky, and out dropped sausage biscuits onto the heads of little mexican kids all over bosla chica state beach.

What I’m basically saying is you CANNOT fuck up a sausage biscuit.  Whether it be with chunky or…

Smooth.

Look at that golden brown color.  That flakey goodness.  You want to sit on it, don’t you?

To help visualize how awesome a sausage biscuit is, heres:

A picture of Jesus shooting lightning bolts out of his hands.

(not sure why I drew him bald).

I was celebrating in the awesomeness of this biscuit, when I took another bite and:

Yup, I bit into one of those hard bone pieces in sausage.  That’s not it there on the paper, that’s biscuit crumbs.  No, I swallowed that shit while Jesus puked and dead angels plummeted to the ground.

I have no idea what this entire thing was about.  I tend to go overboard, then center myself.  So expect less pictures in subsequent postings.

In summary: putting peanut butter on mcdonalds can do you NO wrong.  NONE.  I could piss on a sausage biscuit and it would taste good, though sort of…not.  Ok pissing on it is an extreme.  I guess adding jam to it OMG why have I never added jam to a sausage biscuit?

ONTO THE RESULTS!

Creamy peanut butter on the hash browns gets a:

Christmas tree A-.

Chunky peanut butter on the hash browns gets a:

Kid setting fire to the christmas tree and running off A-!

Crunchy peanut butter with Sausage McMuffin gets a:

Dukes of Hazzard car B.  I don’t know what the guy is doing in the car, looks like he’s sucking on a giant straw or something.

Anywho, creamy peanut butter on the sausage McMuffin gets a:

General Lee jumping over the pope B+!  Now, I forgot what the pope hat looks like, so I just drew a chef hat on top of him.

Crunchy peanut butter with sausage biscuit gets a:

Taj Mahall A-!!!

Creamy peanut butter on sausage biscuit gets a…

Picture of the Earth with a gigantic Mac Tonight dude A!!! HOLY SHIT AN A!!!!  THIS IS UNHEARD OF!!!

Well, it’s mostly because of the biscuit.  Not even the hard biscuit part kept it down.

Final Score?

A picture of a dog trapped up a pole.

January has been very educational in blog posting.  Let us pray that February’s peanut butter doesn’t suck so much ass like January’s did.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna eat the shit, but I’ll do it with a mean face.

Thank you.

↓ Read the rest of this entry…

And I know I have to get the last peanut butter blog post out before January is over.  A long, memorable, sad, happy, January.  I know no one really reads this website other than Sonia and Nancy, which they SHOULDN’T at work, but whatever.  Anywho, I know they only read it but one day in the future, perhaps 8 people will read it.   Regardless of the amount of people that read it, I’ve made a decision to dedicate a part of my life to building this horrifying place, and damnit, that’s what I’m gonna do.

So to finish this month in peanut butter off, I gotta get my emo out.  Not like my emu, which wasn’t let out, as much as it escaped and was shot by the huntington beach hillbillies that live nearby.

The point of this whole God forsaken post is, one of my last duties in my weight loss/maintaining odyssey was to get to a point where I could control my portions.  Control them when I didn’t buffer them with other activities.

For example.  If I wake up on saturday, and have some cereal, I’ll have a small sandwich at lunch.  Based upon what I did between lunch and dinner, I might not eat a lot.  Correction.  If it’s good food, I might go nuts, and that’s bad.  That’s “old habits” John.  That’s “expose yourself in front of them puerto ricans” John.  I don’t like those Johns.

BUT, if I wake up, have my cereal, have my small sandwich, then work out?  The sky’s the limit.  I’ve built up enough muscles that I can eat well, if I work out.  Gotta watch it now.  I’m turning 30 and my superpowers are coming shortly.

Now, the trick is, if I know I’m not going to work out, and I might meet up with friends, I’ll snack on something before I go out, and just not eat.  If I know I’m not working out and I’m staying in, that’s easy, I can force myself to make something simple.

The trick is when you make something delicious, and you didn’t work out, but you didn’t eat much that day, and you’re STARVING.  You know what you’re eating is enough calories.  You KNOW it, but you can’t get ENOUGH of it!

Today was that special day.  I ate a banana and peanut butter, walked a little bit, and I made dinner.  I made this:

You’re thinking, “Ewww what is THAT!”

That my friends, is home made spaghetti sauce, with craft mac and cheese.  Along with, melted jalapeno jack cheese.  Quite simply, the ultimate comfort food for a man child.

And you’re thinking, “So what, JOHN, what’s your stupid point?!”

My point is, I ate a bowl of this stuff, loved it, and was still hungry.  But knowing the calories in it, I still went back to the stove, to dump the rest (The stuff you see above) into the bowl and eat it.  I did dump it.  I took one fork of it, then sighed, placed foil on top, and it’s sitting in my fridge now.

So what’s the point?  The point is, there was a very special person who helped me out greatly in my last leg of weight loss.  With her help, I lost about 35-40lbs.  With her help, I changed a lot of my ways, and became more dedicated than ever.  More dedicated to stay “Skinnier John” and “confident John.”  And I’ll continue to carry her help around me for as long as I can, no matter where she is.

It’s because of her that I’m sitting here not full, not hungry, but proud.  Proud that I have it in me to succeed.  Perhaps I’ll spin that around to other aspects of my life, perhaps not.  But no matter what happens, this victory this evening…this night…belongs to her.  As cheesy and as weird as it sounds to be equated to spaghetti mac and cheese.

So in all, I’ll just say…Thank you.  There might be more emo posts in the future, but lets hope they’re devoid of sadness

FUCK!

YOU!

Natural peanut butter sucks balls.  I also forgot to say, the stuff I’ve been eating this month wasn’t organic.  It was just peanuts that some guy paid some other dude 3 bucks an hour to pick in a lot behind his house before his neighbor got home and started screaming “Where mah peanuts gon naw!?”

Whole foods is gangsta like that.

So what do we have today?

BEEGEELS!!!!!

Toasted BEEGEELS!!!  Oh man how I love bagels.  It’s not due to the…taste.  I mean, I think a lot of italian breads are MUCH better tasting than bagels.  And those bagels you buy in the store, in the bag?   Thomas’s bagels or Lenders?  GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  Am I right?

Anywho, the thing with bagels is, they’re the german tank of the bread world.  I’ve yet to put shit on a bagel and it not scream back, “FUCK YOU!” as I watch the substance NOT tear a hole in it.  Millbrook buttermilk bread is essentially the little princess of bread.  If you so much as look at it, it tears in half.  Not bagels though, fuck you not bagels what so ever.  I’ve yet to try it, but I think you can shoot a gun at it, and it’ll limp away and write a successful rap album about working out in a gym or some shit.

So what goes on the bagels today?  The peanut butter, right?

Oh you thought it was just peanut butter didn’t you?  Hell no it wasn’t!  Peanut butter and cream cheese!  And not just any cream cheese, strawberry too!  The BEST kind of cream cheese!  Mostly because you’re not sure if it’s a dessert, or if you should spread it on salad.

The answer to both is indeed, yes.

BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE!

OMGOMGOMG sesame seeds…so good…I love sesame seeds.  They are probably one of my top two favorite things in the world.  I’m not going to tell you what my favorite thing in the world is ok it’s disneyland.  I honestly love sesame seeds more than the majority of my family.  I know my family reads this, but the truth had to come out some day.

Here’s an image of the bagel with cream cheese in a weird…black and white type dealy picture thingy.  It looks like a sad foreign film that takes Canes by storm, but then is forgotten because Michael Bay has decided to blow shit up.  And he blows them up GOOD.

I don’t know what the FUCK this is, but if you were high while reading this, YOU’RE WELCOME!

This was a tricky judging.  I mean, its a bagel.   Bagels are delicious, they really are.  That is until you toast them and put some sandwich fixin’s in the middle and you just about destroy the roof of your mouth as you curse a God who’s long since forgotten your name.  It’s JOHN, but the way, JESUS!  And I’m coming for you!!!

Again, this was delicious, but this peanut butter is not sweet.  It does not go with much.  I guess if you like nuts (heh heh) and want to put them in your mouth (heh heh heh) this is the peanut butter for you.  IIIIII on the other hand like to eat peanut butter that gives me the sugar rush courage to run down the street naked while screaming the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme song.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Crunchy gets…

A picture of Snookie from Jersey Shore.

And creamy gets…

A picture of Snookie from Jersey Shore getting punched in the face.

With an overall score of…

A pissed off triple h action figure trapped under some papers photo.

Thank you.

That’s graphic.

So tonight was a fun filled night.  By fun filled, I mean I was too bored to jack off.  How bored is that, really?

“Sinful pleasure is just a cock away…”
“ehhhhh I’d rather just sit…here…”
“Fuck you John, what wrong have I ever done to  you?”
“I’m sorry penis “

Then I made a sad face.  Then he made a sad face.  Then we were all sad faced

Anywho, to cheer myself up I figured I’d make some dinner.

Hark!  What light through yonder window breaks!  Tis the east!  And this soup, is the sun!

That there boys and girls is some re-heated chicken stew my Mom made about 3 weeks ago.  It was kept in cold storage until the day humanity faced it’s darkest hour: I was hungry.

But fuck this noise.  Just soup?  What do I look like, some poor Russian ballerina?  Fuck you twinkle toes, let’s man this shit UP!

Corn mother fucker!  Corn makes EVERYTHING better!!!  Not just normal corn, but…

ROASTED CORN!  Little tip.  Say you’ve got some friends over, and they’re about to start punching their dicks because your stupid ass is boring as shit.  What do you do?  Well, any sane person would go light up the grill and roast some white corn, right?  WRONG!  Dumbass it’s snowing outside!  It’s not snowing?  Fuck you it’s snowing!  How do you start a fire when it’s raining frozen water?  You take bagged white corn and throw it on a hot non stick skillet and move it around a lot!  WHALLA roasted white corn!  BITCHES!  But was that enough for my barbarian stomach?  WHO YOU CALLIN’ FAT!?

No soup, NO SOUP is complete without peanuts!  The ancient Romans knew this, and now I know it.  It came to me in a dream.  I was dancing with Charleston Heston on the back of a choo choo train and he leaned over and peanuts spilled out of his nose.  It was then I knew where my destiny OH SHIT WAIT!

AHHHHAHAHAHAHAH extra large virgin nuts!!!!!  He looks so dashing and chipper knowing we can see his virgin nuts!  Ah Mr. Peanut you son a ma bitch you.

So the extra large nuts came to the party, and where there’s nuts…there’s…

Creamy peanut butter and cock sauce together at last.  Who’d have known that all these years they lived so close together, but so far away?  I just felt like writing that.  In anycase, I’ve eaten so much of this cock sauce that I no longer have any sort of taste buds in my mouth.  I’m going on tour with a circus where my act is gonna be comprised of strangers throwing shit in my mouth, and me taking it.  Much like a hooker on prom night, but she’s a hooker and not a student at the school, but she wins the hearts of the students who rally against her because her large boobies are making the puritan cheerleaders all nervous but then the principal makes her dance for everyone and she’s all sweet and we’re all awwww give sandra bullock an oscar!

So I have about 3 month old parmessan cheese sitting in the fridge.  Now’s as good a time as any to throw this shit in something.  It was either in soup or on my lap in the shower, and we all know what happend then.

Corn?  Check.

Parmessan cheese?  Check.

Cock sauce?  Check.

Peanut butter?  Check.

What am I missing again?….

VIRGIN NUTS!

This soup should cause me to not poop for a good 3-4 weeks.  At which time I’m going to let go of a shit so devastating, the world will never be the same.  Or my toilet will never be the same.  SOMETHING won’t be the same, and it sure as hell will be my ass.

So how was it?

As leslie knope’s face shows…bland.  You’d think a soup with cheese, hot sauce, peanuts, peanut butter, and roasted white corn would taste like SOMETHING, but you’d be wrong.  It tasted like…nothing.  Like all these awesome tastes came together and killed each other leaving only the chicken to stay behind and fight it out with the potatoes.  Ever see a chicken fight a potato?  Ever see a potato call your mother a whore?  Worst day of that potato’s life.  HEY!  The only difference between a good potato and a mashed potato is drugs!  Stay clean kids, stay clean.

Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah, I was trying to get rid of that fucking organic natural peanut butter so that’s why this soup tastes like shit.  That thing has NO sweetness!  None!  Fuck that shit man.  There should be 4 ingredients in peanut butter.  The organic shit has:

1: Peanuts
2: Salt

See how shitty that is?  REAL peanut butter has:

1: Peanuts…maybe.
2: Sugar
3: Sugar
4: EXTREME!

This dinner sorta blew.  I should have just gotten mcdonalds like I wanted to.  But on the plus side I saved money.  On the minus side I had a bland dinner.  On the plus side I didn’t have to argue with the mcdonalds lady that I wanted sweet and sour sauce, not bbq sauce.  On the minus side, my chinese bowl is chinese.  On the plus side, my chinese bowl japanese indian CHIEF!

…

…..

….

…

AH YOU BLINKED!

The ultimate respect one can give another is to capitalize their name, no matter the scenario.  That’s why I scream the names of people I respect.  Such as “JUDGE” or “POPE!” or “BEST BUY EMPLOYEE!”

The Black Eyed Peas are an excellent musical group.  I’ve never heard one of their songs and thought, “Oh, shit son, this is the Black Eyed Peas!”  Do you know why?

Because the Black Eyed Peas never sound alike!!!  I can’t remember any of their songs, first off, but that’s besides the point.  The point is this:

That is the greatest song EVER. We all know this. Whatchu gonna do with all that junk? Hear how that first guy sounds like some sort of weird pedophile on the corner of main and 7th? And then the chick sounds like some sort of lady who had her balls squeezed?

Now listen to this shit:

Notice how everyone in this video sound like angels who just touched the lips of Moses after he had a big steak dinner? Excellent…excellent music.

Ok, I blame my dinner for this post. My point is this: I didn’t even know this was the Black Eyed Peas as I sat on the corner of main and 7th the other week. Much to me and the gentleman in front of my path’s surprise, it was indeed the Black Eyed Peas. And then I punched him. That’s why they deserve my respect. I punch! Because they do not sound like Pearl Jam.

I need a nap. Also I think he said “L-l-l-lets fuck a ridge, to the other side.” Not sure what that means, but I’m too frightened to hit rewind.

What else can I say? In all seriousness, I love this song. It’s just too perfect. It has weird sounds, it has a lady who sounds like some sort of prostitute over in a shanty town on the border of el paso, and then it goes “oh oh OHHH oHHHHHH” and then it goes “oh oh OHHH oHHHHH” again and I’m all “eeee!!!!”

Oh mylanta!

I keep wondering why.

Oh fucking damnit…

NO!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

NO FUCKING NO!!!!

Enough of this organic shit and bananas! FUCK YOU!!!  Seriously!  There’s little flavor in this HORSE SHIT!  Know why?  Take a handful of salted peanuts in your mouth, chew them up real fine, and spit them out.  THIS is that shit!  Fuck you, just…onto the ratings…

Crunchy gets a drawing of a dog catching a frisbee.

Creamy gets a drawing of a cat chasing a mummy.

Overall score?

A picture of my flash tshirt as I wear the tshirt.

Thank you.  And may GOD have mercy on your peanut butter soul.

John!  Why are you so handsome?

Shut UP, MOM!!!