Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

Is upon us my friends.  Who knew at the beginning of this month that I would eat so much freaking peanut butter? Let us pause for a moment, and reflect upon our peanut buttery sins…

Fuck it, let’s look at more peanut butter!!!

Wait, before we begin.  I was resizing photos, because wordpress caca’s it’s pants if you try and upload a large file.  So I’m doing that, but I was also listening to Lady Gaga’s, “Bad Romance” for the 800th time.  I STOPPED the song so I could fully concentrate on this post.  Let that sink in for a moment, ok?

Also, one last time I’d like to remind everyone about something.  These peanuts butts were NOT organic.  They were just all natural.  All natural peanut butter.  No additives, fillers, preservatives, or illegal immigrant spit.  Hey you’d spit if you made it across hundreds of miles of desert to end up in a place where you gotta put shitty peanut butter in a can for some ugly white dude to talk about on a crappy website.

So what’s on the menu today?

OH.  FUCK.  YEAH.

Who bought mcdoanlds?  JOHN BOUGHT MCDONALDS!!!  But what did John buy?

You got a boner too, huh?  Let me let you in on a little secret, ok?

Sausage biscuit: 1 dollar
Sausage McMuffin: 1 dollar
Hash browns: 1 dol-what the FUCK!?

Listen here, assholes.  There’s a BISCUIT ANNNND sausage in the sausage biscuit.  You had to slaughter a cow AND the tip of a worker’s finger to make that thing.  Not only all that, but you had to squeeze a cow to get cheese to make the McMuffin.  BOTH are 1 dollar.  For the potato, you had to punch an irishman!  THAT’S IT!

You didn’t know if you punched an irishman he pooped fried potatoes?  There’s not a lot you know, is there?

Fuck it, breakfast was about 3 bucks.  Quite a steal.  Quite a steal indeed…

Peanut butter!  Where did you come from!?  Oh, a chocolate cow?  I think that joke is messed up…in the most literal of senses.

First we start with a dollop of chunky peanut butter on the hash browns.  The verdict?

AWESOME.  How awesome?  Unicorn awesome.  But you ask,

“Why though?  Why so awesome?”

Because it’s FRIED potatoes.  Honestly, no hash browns have ever, EVER, been as awesome in ANY restaurant, as the ones found at McDonalds.  They’re crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside.  What’s not to like?  Oh, the DEVIL?  Ok.

Creamy was even better.  Mostly because you’re not focusing on eating pieces of peanuts the whole time.  It’s like masturbating in the woods.  You’re 1/2 enjoying it, but 1/2 looking out for bears.

Before I did anything, I had to kill the Sausage McMuffin, or else it would start infecting others.  As a side note, I could have atleast gotten rid of the wrapper in the background.

I find it amazing that cornmeal only appears on the sausage mcmuffin.  Mcdonalds is the king of taking what they got, and just swishing it around, and WHALLA, the mac wrap or whatever the hell they’re calling that thing.  Anywho, essentially what you’re looking at is some chunky peanut butter inside a sausage mcmuffin.  Not sure why they put cheese in this thing, perhaps its a binding spell to hold back the horrors contained within, I don’t know.  This didn’t taste good, but it wasn’t the peanut butter’s fault.  You could throw truffle oil and the Lord’s prayer onto this thing and it would suck ass.

What’s wrong with the above picture?  If you answered: “Everything” you win a prize.  I always wondered if they actually cooked the sausage, or if a really fat dude just kind of brushed up against it.  We should harness fat man’s body heat to power the sun.

This again, did not taste good.  Remember when as a kid you fell onto the middle beam of the bike, and crushed your nuts with the force of a 2 ton jack hammer?  That’s more pleasant than the above picture.

This is what it’s like, when dove’s cry:

As an aside:

This thing was 370 calories.  I’m a big man, I can take that.  But they called the serving size, “1 container.”  Container of what?  It’s paper!  That’s just me being picky, and drawing your attention away from the word “Grasa” which is my new nickname for my butt.

I’m not sure if it’s the camera, or what, but the peanut butter looks light.  It don’t matter, because this shit was DE-LIC-IOUS!

Sausage Biscuits at mcdonalds is the ONE joy God has given us in this life.  He was sitting there one day down in Newport Beach kind bummed that he fucked us over with all the bad things in this world (PBS, global warming, sausage mcmuffins) that he reached his hands to the sky, and out dropped sausage biscuits onto the heads of little mexican kids all over bosla chica state beach.

What I’m basically saying is you CANNOT fuck up a sausage biscuit.  Whether it be with chunky or…

Smooth.

Look at that golden brown color.  That flakey goodness.  You want to sit on it, don’t you?

To help visualize how awesome a sausage biscuit is, heres:

A picture of Jesus shooting lightning bolts out of his hands.

(not sure why I drew him bald).

I was celebrating in the awesomeness of this biscuit, when I took another bite and:

Yup, I bit into one of those hard bone pieces in sausage.  That’s not it there on the paper, that’s biscuit crumbs.  No, I swallowed that shit while Jesus puked and dead angels plummeted to the ground.

I have no idea what this entire thing was about.  I tend to go overboard, then center myself.  So expect less pictures in subsequent postings.

In summary: putting peanut butter on mcdonalds can do you NO wrong.  NONE.  I could piss on a sausage biscuit and it would taste good, though sort of…not.  Ok pissing on it is an extreme.  I guess adding jam to it OMG why have I never added jam to a sausage biscuit?

ONTO THE RESULTS!

Creamy peanut butter on the hash browns gets a:

Christmas tree A-.

Chunky peanut butter on the hash browns gets a:

Kid setting fire to the christmas tree and running off A-!

Crunchy peanut butter with Sausage McMuffin gets a:

Dukes of Hazzard car B.  I don’t know what the guy is doing in the car, looks like he’s sucking on a giant straw or something.

Anywho, creamy peanut butter on the sausage McMuffin gets a:

General Lee jumping over the pope B+!  Now, I forgot what the pope hat looks like, so I just drew a chef hat on top of him.

Crunchy peanut butter with sausage biscuit gets a:

Taj Mahall A-!!!

Creamy peanut butter on sausage biscuit gets a…

Picture of the Earth with a gigantic Mac Tonight dude A!!! HOLY SHIT AN A!!!!  THIS IS UNHEARD OF!!!

Well, it’s mostly because of the biscuit.  Not even the hard biscuit part kept it down.

Final Score?

A picture of a dog trapped up a pole.

January has been very educational in blog posting.  Let us pray that February’s peanut butter doesn’t suck so much ass like January’s did.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna eat the shit, but I’ll do it with a mean face.

Thank you.