That’s graphic.
So tonight was a fun filled night. By fun filled, I mean I was too bored to jack off. How bored is that, really?
“Sinful pleasure is just a cock away…”
“ehhhhh I’d rather just sit…here…”
“Fuck you John, what wrong have I ever done to you?”
“I’m sorry penis 
“
Then I made a sad face. Then he made a sad face. Then we were all sad faced
Anywho, to cheer myself up I figured I’d make some dinner.
Hark! What light through yonder window breaks! Tis the east! And this soup, is the sun!
That there boys and girls is some re-heated chicken stew my Mom made about 3 weeks ago. It was kept in cold storage until the day humanity faced it’s darkest hour: I was hungry.
But fuck this noise. Just soup? What do I look like, some poor Russian ballerina? Fuck you twinkle toes, let’s man this shit UP!
Corn mother fucker! Corn makes EVERYTHING better!!! Not just normal corn, but…
ROASTED CORN! Little tip. Say you’ve got some friends over, and they’re about to start punching their dicks because your stupid ass is boring as shit. What do you do? Well, any sane person would go light up the grill and roast some white corn, right? WRONG! Dumbass it’s snowing outside! It’s not snowing? Fuck you it’s snowing! How do you start a fire when it’s raining frozen water? You take bagged white corn and throw it on a hot non stick skillet and move it around a lot! WHALLA roasted white corn! BITCHES! But was that enough for my barbarian stomach? WHO YOU CALLIN’ FAT!?
No soup, NO SOUP is complete without peanuts! The ancient Romans knew this, and now I know it. It came to me in a dream. I was dancing with Charleston Heston on the back of a choo choo train and he leaned over and peanuts spilled out of his nose. It was then I knew where my destiny OH SHIT WAIT!
AHHHHAHAHAHAHAH extra large virgin nuts!!!!! He looks so dashing and chipper knowing we can see his virgin nuts! Ah Mr. Peanut you son a ma bitch you.
So the extra large nuts came to the party, and where there’s nuts…there’s…
Creamy peanut butter and cock sauce together at last. Who’d have known that all these years they lived so close together, but so far away? I just felt like writing that. In anycase, I’ve eaten so much of this cock sauce that I no longer have any sort of taste buds in my mouth. I’m going on tour with a circus where my act is gonna be comprised of strangers throwing shit in my mouth, and me taking it. Much like a hooker on prom night, but she’s a hooker and not a student at the school, but she wins the hearts of the students who rally against her because her large boobies are making the puritan cheerleaders all nervous but then the principal makes her dance for everyone and she’s all sweet and we’re all awwww give sandra bullock an oscar!
So I have about 3 month old parmessan cheese sitting in the fridge. Now’s as good a time as any to throw this shit in something. It was either in soup or on my lap in the shower, and we all know what happend then.
Corn? Check.
Parmessan cheese? Check.
Cock sauce? Check.
Peanut butter? Check.
What am I missing again?….
VIRGIN NUTS!
This soup should cause me to not poop for a good 3-4 weeks. At which time I’m going to let go of a shit so devastating, the world will never be the same. Or my toilet will never be the same. SOMETHING won’t be the same, and it sure as hell will be my ass.
So how was it?
As leslie knope’s face shows…bland. You’d think a soup with cheese, hot sauce, peanuts, peanut butter, and roasted white corn would taste like SOMETHING, but you’d be wrong. It tasted like…nothing. Like all these awesome tastes came together and killed each other leaving only the chicken to stay behind and fight it out with the potatoes. Ever see a chicken fight a potato? Ever see a potato call your mother a whore? Worst day of that potato’s life. HEY! The only difference between a good potato and a mashed potato is drugs! Stay clean kids, stay clean.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I was trying to get rid of that fucking organic natural peanut butter so that’s why this soup tastes like shit. That thing has NO sweetness! None! Fuck that shit man. There should be 4 ingredients in peanut butter. The organic shit has:
1: Peanuts
2: Salt
See how shitty that is? REAL peanut butter has:
1: Peanuts…maybe.
2: Sugar
3: Sugar
4: EXTREME!
This dinner sorta blew. I should have just gotten mcdonalds like I wanted to. But on the plus side I saved money. On the minus side I had a bland dinner. On the plus side I didn’t have to argue with the mcdonalds lady that I wanted sweet and sour sauce, not bbq sauce. On the minus side, my chinese bowl is chinese. On the plus side, my chinese bowl japanese indian CHIEF!
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AH YOU BLINKED!
