Hervatski.com – A little bit of everything. And Unicorn.

FUCK!

YOU!

Natural peanut butter sucks balls.  I also forgot to say, the stuff I’ve been eating this month wasn’t organic.  It was just peanuts that some guy paid some other dude 3 bucks an hour to pick in a lot behind his house before his neighbor got home and started screaming “Where mah peanuts gon naw!?”

Whole foods is gangsta like that.

So what do we have today?

BEEGEELS!!!!!

Toasted BEEGEELS!!!  Oh man how I love bagels.  It’s not due to the…taste.  I mean, I think a lot of italian breads are MUCH better tasting than bagels.  And those bagels you buy in the store, in the bag?   Thomas’s bagels or Lenders?  GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  Am I right?

Anywho, the thing with bagels is, they’re the german tank of the bread world.  I’ve yet to put shit on a bagel and it not scream back, “FUCK YOU!” as I watch the substance NOT tear a hole in it.  Millbrook buttermilk bread is essentially the little princess of bread.  If you so much as look at it, it tears in half.  Not bagels though, fuck you not bagels what so ever.  I’ve yet to try it, but I think you can shoot a gun at it, and it’ll limp away and write a successful rap album about working out in a gym or some shit.

So what goes on the bagels today?  The peanut butter, right?

Oh you thought it was just peanut butter didn’t you?  Hell no it wasn’t!  Peanut butter and cream cheese!  And not just any cream cheese, strawberry too!  The BEST kind of cream cheese!  Mostly because you’re not sure if it’s a dessert, or if you should spread it on salad.

The answer to both is indeed, yes.

BUT WAIT!  THERE’S MORE!

OMGOMGOMG sesame seeds…so good…I love sesame seeds.  They are probably one of my top two favorite things in the world.  I’m not going to tell you what my favorite thing in the world is ok it’s disneyland.  I honestly love sesame seeds more than the majority of my family.  I know my family reads this, but the truth had to come out some day.

Here’s an image of the bagel with cream cheese in a weird…black and white type dealy picture thingy.  It looks like a sad foreign film that takes Canes by storm, but then is forgotten because Michael Bay has decided to blow shit up.  And he blows them up GOOD.

I don’t know what the FUCK this is, but if you were high while reading this, YOU’RE WELCOME!

This was a tricky judging.  I mean, its a bagel.   Bagels are delicious, they really are.  That is until you toast them and put some sandwich fixin’s in the middle and you just about destroy the roof of your mouth as you curse a God who’s long since forgotten your name.  It’s JOHN, but the way, JESUS!  And I’m coming for you!!!

Again, this was delicious, but this peanut butter is not sweet.  It does not go with much.  I guess if you like nuts (heh heh) and want to put them in your mouth (heh heh heh) this is the peanut butter for you.  IIIIII on the other hand like to eat peanut butter that gives me the sugar rush courage to run down the street naked while screaming the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme song.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

Crunchy gets…

A picture of Snookie from Jersey Shore.

And creamy gets…

A picture of Snookie from Jersey Shore getting punched in the face.

With an overall score of…

A pissed off triple h action figure trapped under some papers photo.

Thank you.