Peanut Butter to drink.

BLAMO BITCHES!

Pavitica, if I’m spelling it right, are basically walnut rolls.  Walnut rolls are delicious.  Though I don’t like the tops too much.  Do not like them THAT MUCH NO!

These historically have gone great with peanut bu-

Peanut Butter!  Are you drunk!  Look at you!  You’re adults, what is WRONG with you!  Pick yourself up this minute!

What was I saying?

My fingers are pretty fat.  What’s the deal?  I don’t THINK they’re fat, but there they are :(

Anywho, pavitica with peanut butter is usually very dense.  That’s the beautiful part about it.  You eat this with some coffee and you’re all better.  It gets all garbled up in your mouth and you need something hot to move it along it’s way.  Hell I’m getting hungry now!  No salt wasn’t bad on this, though I don’t think I tasted too much peanut butter.  The pavitica kind of overpowered everything, like Stalin through Poland, or a fat kid at gym class.

AGAIN with the fat fingers ! I swear I don’t have fat fingers! *huffs and sweeps hair out of eyes*

The peanut butter here was more noticeable, but not a lot.  Stupid Croatian roll thingies, always ruining my fun!

I’m just waiting till the end of the month so I can eat the whole fucking thing by itself.  Unsweetened really is good, and if it didn’t turn into a goddamn rock in the fridge, I’d eat more of it.

Onto the judging!

No salt gets:

A quarterback throwing a pass.

Unsweetened peanut butter gets:

A quarterback throwing a pass.

Overall:

A picture of a bald guy getting shit on by a duck.

Thank you.


“John, why do you think you’re constipated?”
“Well Dr. McDreamy, I’ve been eating an inordinate amount of peanut butter for the past two months.  What can I do, doctor?”
“You can go fuck yourself.”

Awesome.

Really, my poo schedule is all fucked up.  I wish I could come to you all with good news, but my butt is in dire straights.  What I do for science…

WHAT’S ON THE MENU LUNCH LADY!?

Honestly I had just cut the stupid pear, how’s it getting brown already?

I’m not sure why I bought pears from Ralphs.  I like the taste of pear, but the feeling they leave in your mouth is weird.  Like a weird sandy wax sort of consistency.  But they’re so delicious…I’m distracted cause now the black eyed peas are on.  Pop music is SO FUN!  I like to sometimes…

Teeny Little Super Guy!  Where’d you come from!?  How you been man?  Goddamn that character scared the SHIT out of me on sesame street.  What sort of balls tripping hippie WEIRDO thought to put a little cartoon guy on a cup that MELTS into the ground to go between places?!  They were ALL on LSD!  They didn’t IMAGINE the cup melting, they SAW the fucking thing melt in front of them!  Also you like how the peanut butter is just kind of throw on the pears there in no order?  Fuck that cup scared me…

Pears with Peanut Butter was the same as apples with Peanut Butter, but less juicy.  The pear flavor COMPLETELY eclipsed the PB.  You could barely taste it, so much so, that even the saltiness of the peanuts did not shine through.  I’m writing a letter to my congressman.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

No salt organic Peanut Butter gets:

A picture of the moon spitting on the sun.

Unsweetened organic Peanut Butter gets:

A picture of Oscar the Grouch.

With a final score of:

A picture of the jars of Peanut Butter making out.

Thank you.


Peanut Butter.

Didn’t I already write a review about peanut butter with bananas?  Do I honestly give a fuck?  No.  Peanut Butter with bananas is delicious.  You and me can write a bad romannnnce…

WHY’D YOU POO ROMANCE!?!?!?!

More like poo’d a peanut butter.

Notice how no salt kind of spreads?  Notice how unsweetened ra ra ah ah ah roma rom-ma-ma kind of just plops down?  The shit is hard as a rock.

LAV LAV LAV I WANT YOUR LAV

I forgot how this all tasted like.  Suffice to say, not good.  I didn’t like it too much.  No peanut butter so far went great with banana.  Only JIFF goes with I want your horror, I want your design bananas perfectly.  I’m not sure what you know that I want you, cause I’m a free bitch baby…

I might be listening to Lady Gaga on loop through this whole thing.  If I don’t end this review quick I might kill myself.

ONTO THE JUDGING!

No salt gets:

A picture of me holding a baby.

Unsweetened gets:

A picture of me giving birth.

With an overall score of:

SANCHO!  SANCHO NO!!!!!!!

Thank you.


“fuck you peanut butter, get outta mah gawddamn MOUF!”

And then the civil war started.

IT’S PEANUT BUTTER MONDAY BITCHES! WEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What’s on the menu today?

Apples?  Does peanut butter go with apples?  Does a black rapper like to act?

Not sure what type of apples these are.  If I remember my buying decisions, it’s probably whatever was the cheapest at Ralphs.  They look like fuji apples, but I’m not sure.  I’m not Canadian either.

So how does it taste?  I don’t fucking know!  Like an apple and peanut butter maybe?

DUH!

Above we have an apple, that in the span of 18 seconds, already became brown.  Fuck you nature.  On top is the no salt, ie: NO FUN peanut butter.  it doesn’t spread nicely, mainly because it says to refridgerate the stupid peanut butter…and then it becomes rock hard.  If I bring a jar of JIFF into the future 80 years I bet you 15 future dollars (glumgorts) that I can STILL eat the shit, AND it’ll spread nicely!  FUCK YOU ORGANIC BITCHES!

Unsweetened really has surprised me so far this month.  WTF I have a cut on my thumb?  In anycase, unsweetened organic PB from whole foods tastes very sweet.  Is it the palm oil?  I don’t know.  In anycase, it’s pretty delicious.  The peanut butter was left out for awhile, hence why it spread, and didn’t just tear the apple an asshole as I crammed the stupid thing on top of it.

Overall both peanut butters tasted good.  I like eating shit with apples, because that rush of cool juices really mixes well with anything.  That’s why sometimes I get protein style burgers at In’N'Out.  The lettuce juice makes the whole thing more juicy, though when you get to the end it’s like eating an asshole.  Or so I’ve heard. All I know is I was happy eating my apples and peanut butter, right Mr. Apple?

“FUCK yeah John!  I’m high as fuck!  I can see the stars moving through the ether!”
“Oh no Mr. Apple, you don’t look so good!”
“I don’t FEEL so good John!’

AHHH SICK DUDE!

What’s worse is I had to eat Mr. Apple AND his throwup!  AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS!

ONTO THE JUDGING!

No salt bullshit gets:

A picture of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Unsweetened Organic ass shit gets:

A picture of Corey Hart…wtf does he have a comb over?

With an overall score of:

Corey Haim.

Thank you.


I’ve not had a proper chance to look back on the previous year. I know it’s February. I also know it’s my website, and no one, NO ONE can tell me what I cannot talk about on here…unless it’s against the law…which, OK I’ll refrain from posting erotic photos of candy bars in compromising positions.

You’ll never look at a milky way the same again…

Going into 2009 I was sort of…lost. Online I was not lost, my online personality was right as rain. It’s strange, I’m two different people in real life and on the internet. Sometimes I’m the same person, other times, I’m not. I guess that’s why all those poets and writers that hippies jack off to were always depressed in real life, but they brought so much enjoyment to others in their works. They were able to disconnect themselves between their literary mind, and their social mind. This often proved fatal for some of them, so there’s always that.

In anycase, in real life I wasn’t really myself. I was sort of disconnected…from myself. A third personality emerged. I acted one way in real life, and another on the internet. And then, in my quiet moments, I was left with me. The third person. Troubled souls in the past, (I’m not a troubled soul, I’m quite blessed and realize this, so I’m not saying woe is me) will have the voice in their head as their only true companion when the sounds of the outside world fall silent. It’s at these moments that crisis emerges. It’s at these moments that people start to question their value, and look upon their life in a light that might not really illuminate any beneficial path.

That was 2009 for me. Atleast, that’s how it started. I had my online persona, I had my social persona, and then I had me. In the past, I had 2 parts. I had my online persona, and then me. The me, was what you got in social settings. How I acted then, is how I felt later. If I was happy and joking, I was probably joking with myself when I was alone. If I was sad or melancholy, that’s how I was in private.  The person you saw in real life WAS me. 

But as I entered 2009, a third figure emerged.  I didn’t feel like the person that I was in real life.  I might have seemed happy and joyful, but I was very sad and pretty disconnected.  I essentially didn’t know how to be myself.  That’s essentially it…I didn’t know how to be me.  This made me insane at times.  How could I not know how to be me?  I could feel myself inside of me, but I couldn’t connect with it.

I didn’t feel funny or social.  I didn’t feel confident or charasmatic.  I didn’t feel very…happy.  That’s the thing.  Whenever you see me, I’m always internally happy.  I’m a happy person.  I feel happy to be alive, and happy to see very minute things.  Some people strive their whole lives to see the pyramids of Giza, or the great wall of China.  I enjoy seeing a new Toyota Camry sitting in a Ralphs parking lot.  I get happy when there’s tissues in the rear window or if they have alloy wheels instead of steel wheels with hub caps.  Those types of things make me happy.  I am a recorder of the mundane, this information will live on after I pass.

In 2009 I felt none of this, I didn’t know how to be myself. 

But I met a very special person who seemed to attach themselves to me, as I without realizing it, to them.  Slowly I started to grow close to them and was allowed to be myself.  I met someone who, not just allowed me to be who I was, but somehow pulled the old John out of me.  I think I neglected this person, at first, and didn’t realize the treasure I had in front of me.  Slowly but surely I started to realize what I had, though I’m not entirely sure if I appreciated it until almost the very end.  2009 was filled with events and emotions that clouded all of my judgements.  These events and emotions blocked my path to seeing what specifically was guiding me through it.  It wasn’t until 2009 was coming to a close, and those emotions and events parted from my view, that my path became illuminated by the person that kept me grounded during all of it.

Some people said that in 2009 I wasn’t myself.  That I wasn’t the same outgoing and loud John that I used to be.  That’s true, I wasn’t.  For a good long period of 2009 I was more quiet and subdued.  I didn’t get drunk as often, go out as often, etc.  I stayed in more, got dinner and came back home, did smaller things.  This wasn’t due to a change in me, this was actually me fixing myself.  While I might have seemed different on the outside, it was because I was repairing myself on the inside. 

A good part of 2008 centered around me being very loud and happy on the outside, but very quiet and sad on the inside.  In 2009 it seemed like I was quiet and sad on the outside, but I was actually very happy and full of light on the inside.  I had to repair my foundation, before I could show the world my exterior.  I needed a base, a constant, and I found one in 2009, which I’ll always thank God for.  I’ll always be thankful for getting that slight nudge to gravitate towards that constant, and be thankful for that constant helping me remember who I was.

2010 opens up a new, and I honestly believe the person I am on the inside, is the person I always was, and always will want to be.  The person who finds joy between the moments and misses the big picture, because he’s too busy looking at the edges.  That’s me, that’s who I want to be.  Whether that’s a successful path, I don’t know.  All I know is that’s the path that fills me with the most happiness, and the path that I’m always striving to take.

So thank you.  Thank you for being my constant and helping me remember who I was.  This lesson will never leave me, and I’ll strive to never leave it.

We return to peanut butter tomorrow.