I’ve not had a proper chance to look back on the previous year. I know it’s February. I also know it’s my website, and no one, NO ONE can tell me what I cannot talk about on here…unless it’s against the law…which, OK I’ll refrain from posting erotic photos of candy bars in compromising positions.
You’ll never look at a milky way the same again…
Going into 2009 I was sort of…lost. Online I was not lost, my online personality was right as rain. It’s strange, I’m two different people in real life and on the internet. Sometimes I’m the same person, other times, I’m not. I guess that’s why all those poets and writers that hippies jack off to were always depressed in real life, but they brought so much enjoyment to others in their works. They were able to disconnect themselves between their literary mind, and their social mind. This often proved fatal for some of them, so there’s always that.
In anycase, in real life I wasn’t really myself. I was sort of disconnected…from myself. A third personality emerged. I acted one way in real life, and another on the internet. And then, in my quiet moments, I was left with me. The third person. Troubled souls in the past, (I’m not a troubled soul, I’m quite blessed and realize this, so I’m not saying woe is me) will have the voice in their head as their only true companion when the sounds of the outside world fall silent. It’s at these moments that crisis emerges. It’s at these moments that people start to question their value, and look upon their life in a light that might not really illuminate any beneficial path.
That was 2009 for me. Atleast, that’s how it started. I had my online persona, I had my social persona, and then I had me. In the past, I had 2 parts. I had my online persona, and then me. The me, was what you got in social settings. How I acted then, is how I felt later. If I was happy and joking, I was probably joking with myself when I was alone. If I was sad or melancholy, that’s how I was in private. The person you saw in real life WAS me.
But as I entered 2009, a third figure emerged. I didn’t feel like the person that I was in real life. I might have seemed happy and joyful, but I was very sad and pretty disconnected. I essentially didn’t know how to be myself. That’s essentially it…I didn’t know how to be me. This made me insane at times. How could I not know how to be me? I could feel myself inside of me, but I couldn’t connect with it.
I didn’t feel funny or social. I didn’t feel confident or charasmatic. I didn’t feel very…happy. That’s the thing. Whenever you see me, I’m always internally happy. I’m a happy person. I feel happy to be alive, and happy to see very minute things. Some people strive their whole lives to see the pyramids of Giza, or the great wall of China. I enjoy seeing a new Toyota Camry sitting in a Ralphs parking lot. I get happy when there’s tissues in the rear window or if they have alloy wheels instead of steel wheels with hub caps. Those types of things make me happy. I am a recorder of the mundane, this information will live on after I pass.
In 2009 I felt none of this, I didn’t know how to be myself.
But I met a very special person who seemed to attach themselves to me, as I without realizing it, to them. Slowly I started to grow close to them and was allowed to be myself. I met someone who, not just allowed me to be who I was, but somehow pulled the old John out of me. I think I neglected this person, at first, and didn’t realize the treasure I had in front of me. Slowly but surely I started to realize what I had, though I’m not entirely sure if I appreciated it until almost the very end. 2009 was filled with events and emotions that clouded all of my judgements. These events and emotions blocked my path to seeing what specifically was guiding me through it. It wasn’t until 2009 was coming to a close, and those emotions and events parted from my view, that my path became illuminated by the person that kept me grounded during all of it.
Some people said that in 2009 I wasn’t myself. That I wasn’t the same outgoing and loud John that I used to be. That’s true, I wasn’t. For a good long period of 2009 I was more quiet and subdued. I didn’t get drunk as often, go out as often, etc. I stayed in more, got dinner and came back home, did smaller things. This wasn’t due to a change in me, this was actually me fixing myself. While I might have seemed different on the outside, it was because I was repairing myself on the inside.
A good part of 2008 centered around me being very loud and happy on the outside, but very quiet and sad on the inside. In 2009 it seemed like I was quiet and sad on the outside, but I was actually very happy and full of light on the inside. I had to repair my foundation, before I could show the world my exterior. I needed a base, a constant, and I found one in 2009, which I’ll always thank God for. I’ll always be thankful for getting that slight nudge to gravitate towards that constant, and be thankful for that constant helping me remember who I was.
2010 opens up a new, and I honestly believe the person I am on the inside, is the person I always was, and always will want to be. The person who finds joy between the moments and misses the big picture, because he’s too busy looking at the edges. That’s me, that’s who I want to be. Whether that’s a successful path, I don’t know. All I know is that’s the path that fills me with the most happiness, and the path that I’m always striving to take.
So thank you. Thank you for being my constant and helping me remember who I was. This lesson will never leave me, and I’ll strive to never leave it.
We return to peanut butter tomorrow.
